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Elise dances while singing and getting her serving. Maggie gets food on her plate then turns to look sheepishly at Nanna before turning to add more before cutting her pie and finding the ice cream in the freezer.
Nanna chuckles while watching them. I begin to laugh when I see Matt and Wilson hovering outside the kitchen not sure where to go. Meanwhile, Elise has found a tray for drinks as Maggie balances plates to follow her.
It dawns on me that I’ve never brought my little family home to experience this place of love. Nanna has always come to us. As I look at her now, I can see that’s not going to be able to continue much longer.
Nor should it. I’m being selfish making my family come to me for the holidays. In the beginning, I was so happy to be able to afford to do so that I didn’t much think about the inconvenience it’s been.
Now as I think of the people here who love my family, I can’t see asking them to continue to make those trips. I should be the one to come home. Elise may run from her family, but Maggie has folks here she wants to see more often and some years my tours don’t allow her enough time.
“Am I a terrible person?” I blurt out.
“What makes you ask that?” Nanna says turning her gaze toward me.
“I have my reasons for not wanting to be in Texas, but I shouldn’t be punishing everyone else for those.”
She reaches to cover my hand with her warm one and gives it a gentle pat. I drop my gaze into my lap. Shame and guilt consume me.
“Stop being so hard on yourself. I believe you’ve done what you felt would protect you. Trust me, I wouldn’t have gone along with it if not for that belief,” she says.
“Yeah, but I’m starting to feel like I took the coward’s way out. Even Daddy has taken to Trevor and his family. Maybe I shouldn’t have thrown everything out with the bath water.”
“We’ve taken to Trev’s children, not his family. Although Collen is a sweet boy and I feel terrible for him.”
“Collen? Who’s that?”
“Trevor’s brother-in-law. He’s only two years older than Jess. Poor thing just wants to be loved, but that witch uses that to manipulate him like she does everyone else,” Nanna says.
Her anger is rising with each word. I’m starting not to like this woman and I’ve never met her. Good thing I don’t ever plan on meeting her.
“Anyway, that’s not what I called you here for. I think your father is going about this the wrong way. You need access to those books.
“If he waits on you to forgive Trevor, that ranch will be lost to us all.” She reaches into her apron. “Here, you take this. The safe is in his office. You might not like what you find.”
“Nanna, is the ranch in trouble?”
“Nothing that can’t be fixed with a fresh pair of eyes. Moses has been trying to do everything on his own for so long, I don’t think he sees what can be done.
“To be honest, I think he’s trying to let it go because there’s no one to leave it to. I won’t have it. Our family has fought for every acre of that land. It belongs to our family.”
My heart aches. We always thought Pook would step in. This guilt is only growing by the minute.
“Don’t you go blaming yourself for this. You’ve been doing what we’ve all wanted for you. That ranch will survive us all. I know in my spirit you’ll find the right solutions.”
“I’ll do my best. Thank you, Nanna.”
“You’re welcome. Now, about my young friend Trevor. I know you don’t want to know about him, but you need to know that’s a good man.
“Nanna,” I drag out.
She sighs. “Lynn, I know you’re a grown woman now. You have a right to do what you want. However, I know this ain’t what you want.
“Something has happened while you’ve been away. You don’t have to tell me what, but I know something other than Trevor has turned you off men and love.
“You think I don’t see? I know Trevor hurt you, but something closed that door not long after. My God, you haven’t dated anyone in years. You’re a gorgeous woman.
“You can’t tell me not one man has been drawn into that light that spills from you. No matter how much you love Trevor or how handsome those Monroe men are, if you didn’t close yourself off, you would have others to entertain,” she says while searching my face.
My chin wobbles as her words hit their mark. After Walter, I shut down completely. I don’t feel safe with men. Not in an intimate way. Matthew is my closest male relationship.
Even Wilson gets most of his directives through Matthew, as that’s who I’m most comfortable with. I will forever be grateful to Cody for seeing how much I needed a male person in my life I could trust.
