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I’ve missed nine months. Nine months of watching Collette grow. Nine months of feeling my baby girl kick.
My baby girl.
The baby girl Collette and I made.
Fuck.
I stare up at the sky and drag in a harsh breath, fighting back a tear. I’m having a baby.
My little cat and I are having a baby girl.
Visions of diapers, bottles, late night feedings, little pink blankets, and my girl curled up on the couch with our bundle, singing her songs.
I’m not sure I knew I wanted this so badly.
Backup can’t come fast enough. I need my Collette in my arms. I need her against my skin. I need her all over me. I need to tell her that everything will be okay, and reassure her that we’ll figure this out. I need to make sure she’s taken care of, that she’s healthy, that she’s loved, that she doesn’t want for anything.
Most of all, she needs to know she’s mine. Mine to love. Mine to take care of. Mine to cherish.
It’s after one a.m. I shouldn’t show up tonight. I should rest, take a shower, and do this right. She needs to see that I’m not all soaked in aggression and violence. That I’m capable of acting with others in mind, and not reacting like I have in the past. I glance toward the asshole who’s currently gone limp in the dirt.
Trouble is, I’m not sure I’ve got that in me.
Chapter Five
Collette
I toss and turn all night long in a flurry of fantasies and nightmares. One sleep cycle I’m back in Max’s arms, breathing in the scent of the forest. The next, I’m running from a pack of wolves trying not to trip.
I figure that’s what happens when you’re a big, fat, giant liar. But at this point, I’m so far in I’m not sure what else to do. I can’t call him up and say ‘hey, you know that baby I’m pretending doesn’t exist, yeah… that’s yours.’
Well, I could but what good would that do? The truth is still the same. Max’s life is complicated and with this new MC thing and all the weird bounty shit going on, I don’t want a baby wrapped up in that. I want an oblivious little life on the west end of the mountain where bounties don’t come through and the neighbors are nice and friendly.
I roll up from the mattress and hold my back as I waddle into the bathroom to pee. This is my life now, peeing eighteen times a night and snacking between hormone fluctuations. At least I had an orgasm earlier. There’s at least that silver lining.
It’s still dark but you can see the sun starting to peek over the horizon. I could go back to sleep, but I have to be at work in an hour anyway, so I decide to shower and dress instead. The less weird wolf chasing dreams the better. That, and I should call my mom. She’s usually up this time of morning and I bet she could use some company. She says the early mornings and late nights are the worst for her depression. I could see that. It’s been devastating to lose my father. We were close. I mean really close. He’s the one that gave me my love of math and science and he always made an effort to involve my sisters and I in everything, but my mom, by far, has it the worst.
They shared a life together of sixty plus years. They were best friends, and now, he’s just gone.
The phone rings once and she answers right away. “Hey, sweetheart! You’re up early.” She sounds so happy to hear from me. I should make an effort to call more in the morning.
“Yeah,” I sigh, “weird dreams. How are you? Anything fun happening today?”
“Not much, just watching the news and getting my steps in. I think I might pop by the grocery store later and grab some new tongs. The old ones are looking pretty rough.”
“Tongs?”
“Yeah, like the salad things. You know, to scoop the salad with.”
“Oh no. I know what tongs are. I’m just surprised you’re making a special trip out for some.”
She laughs. “Not much else to do, and it gets me out. I’ll run into folks at the store, then maybe stop by the bakery. I haven’t seen it since the boys finished with the remodel after that bear did all that damage. Have you heard anything on that?”
“Just that they relocated her up in Canada. I think they have tags on her now. You can watch updates on the website for the town.”
“Oh, I didn’t know that. That’s neat. You’ll have to show me how that works. Anyway, how are you feeling?”
I straighten. “What? Good. Why wouldn’t I be feeling good?” God, I couldn’t sound more guilty.
