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"I know," I whisper, my own voice thick and clogged with tears. "I'm sorry, Thane. I'm so sorry. I never meant to worry you. I just...I couldn't..."
I trail off, unable to put into words the tangled knot of emotions that kept me chained to Grok's side, to the dark, seductive dream he represented. The dream of passion and power, of a connection that transcended duty and destiny, birthrights and blood-debts.
The dream...of being seen. Cherished. Not just as a weapon, a blade to be wielded in the endless dance of war…but as a woman, with needs and desires and a heart that beats, breaks, just like any other.
Fool, I chastise myself, even as I cling tighter to my brother's lean, familiar frame. Silly, romantic little fool, to let yourself be swept away by a few fevered touches, a few whispered words of lust.
He didn't want you. He wanted a prize, a trophy, to dangle in front of his warriors and take to his bed, secure in the knowledge that he'd seduced the enemy's champion, the human horde's most potent weapon.
And you let him. You gave yourself over to the lie, the illusion, because you were weak. Lonely. So starved for a connection, for the heady rush of being desired...that you let yourself forget, let yourself pretend...
"Lily?" Thane's voice, thick with concern, drags me back to the present, to the chill reality of the forest and the war and the yawning, aching emptiness inside me. "Sister...what happened to you out there? What did those monsters do to you, to put that look in your eyes?"
I pull back, shaking my head jerkily, swiping at my tears with the back of one shaking hand. "Nothing," I rasp, the lie bitter as bile on my tongue. "They did nothing, Thane. I'm fine. I'm fine. I just...I need to get back to the village. There's so much I need to tell you, so much you need to know about the ogres, about their plans and their schemes and their weaknesses..."
But even as the words leave my lips, that dark, traitorous voice in the back of my mind screams in protest, in denial. Because it's a lie, all of it. A desperate, flailing attempt to convince myself, to convince him...
That I'm still the Lily he knows. The Lily he trusts, to put the good of Thornhall, of humanity, above all else. Above anything else, even the wild, wanton clamoring of my own battered heart.
But I'm not that Lily anymore...and the knowledge is a blade in my gut, a noose around my neck, tightening with every step I take deeper into the forest, into the past.
Into a life that I no longer know how to inhabit, how to reconcile, with the woman I've become. The woman he made me, with his touch and his tongue and the dark, devastating bliss of his body on mine, in mine, around mine.
Grok. His name is a whisper, a whimper, in the haunted halls of my mind. Grok, what have you done to me? What have you made me, with your fierce, fevered passion, your wild, unquenchable want?
What am I now, now that I've known the taste of you, the truth of you...and found myself savaged and sated in equal measure, ruined for any other touch, any other claim?
"Lily," Thane says again, his hands gripping my shoulders, his eyes searching my face with a wild, desperate intensity. "Talk to me. Tell me. Whatever it is, whatever happened...we can fix it. We can face it, together. Like we always have. Like we always will."
The words are a balm, a benediction...but also an accusation, a condemnation. Because he's wrong. He's wrong, and the knowledge is a knot of anguish and anger in my throat, my chest.
We can't face this together. We can't fix this...because there's nothing to fix. Nothing to mend but the ragged, rending tear in my own stupid, sentimental heart.
The heart that dared to dream, to hope...that a monster could be a man. That a brute could love, truly and deeply and with a fierce, unflinching devotion...
That shattered the moment he chose his vengeance over the chance to build something new, something real, with me by his side. The moment he betrayed me, with a kiss and a promise and a knife to the back, to the soul.
"I can't," I whisper, my voice cracking, my eyes burning with the sting of fresh, bitter tears. "I can't, Thane. Not now. Not...not yet. Please, just...just take me home. Take me back to the village so I can be the Red Blade again. That's all I need right now, all I can handle."
Liar, that hateful voice hisses. Coward. Traitor. You know what you need, what you crave, with every beat of your battered heart, every breath in your burning lungs.
You need him. Grok. His arms around you, his scent in your nose, his voice in your ear, rumbling with fierce, feral praise, guttural, grainy pleasure. You need him like you need air, like you need life...and every moment away from him is an agony, an amputation, that tears and twists and wrenches at your very soul.
Thane sighs, a heavy sound of resignation and understanding. "All right," he murmurs, his grip on my shoulders easing, his eyes shadowed with sympathy. "All right, Lily. We'll go home. We'll do what needs doing...and leave the rest for another day."
I nod jerkily, swallowing hard against the lump in my throat. "Thank you," I rasp, my voice little more than a thready whisper. "Thank you for understanding. For...for not prying. I promise, I'll tell you everything. Just...just not now. Not yet."
Not ever, that sly, insidious voice purrs. Not ever, little liar. Because you know, deep down in the tattered ruins of your heart, the shattered shards of your soul...
That there are no words, no explanations, for what you've done. What you've become, in the arms of the enemy, the monster who set your blood to boiling and your spirit to soaring in ways you never knew, never dreamed...
You're his now...whether you want to be or not. Whether you'll admit it or not. Bound by blood and bone and the dark, devastating bliss of his body on yours, in yours, around yours...
Forever. Irrevocably. A mate, a monster's mate...no matter how far you run, how hard you fight it.
I shudder, a full-body flinch of fear and longing, dread and desire. No, I deny again, desperately. No, I'm not his. I'll never be his, no matter what my reckless heart might whisper, my wanton flesh might want.
I am Lily Thornwood, the Red Blade, sworn shield of Thornhall and scion of the great House Thornwood. My place is here, among my people...and nothing, no one, can change that, not even a warlord, a king...
