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Not only that. A baby changes so much.
Not just with my parents and what my child would inherit, but with Kristof too. My life started behind gilded bars, a pawn for those in charge to move around at will to gain the best advantage. Then, I swapped gold for iron bars and a basement room where Kristof made me feel more wanted than I’ve ever experienced in my life. Now, I’m surrounded by granite walls, beautiful thick trees, and people at my beck and call, ready to drop anything for me at my request. I never would, but the power is there and it exists because of Kristof.
He’s given me more of a life than I ever had back with my parents. He unlocked things inside me that had been smothered for years and bred a confidence that I never imagined having. It’s not just the sex. Even glancing in the mirror, I can see that I carry myself differently now.
In some lights, I remind myself of Mara.
The people here see me. They joke with me, laugh, and share tales. I can go shopping or walking without having to navigate ten thousand rules to do so. Here, I’m a real person. Respected. Not just a daughter to be sold off to whomever my father decides is a savvy business decision.
Laying all that out for myself makes things here seem incredible.
But none of it has ever included talk of children. In fact, I haven’t seen a child or heard talk of any children involved in families outside of this house. It’s the one subject that’s never been approached, and now it dangles over me like the hangman’s noose.
How much would a baby change things? Would Kristof lose interest?
My heart flutters at the thought.
What if he dumps me here and never comes back? What if a child scares him away and I become nothing but another Mafia wife, barely spoken about and capable of only raising the children? How would I fend for myself in this country if Kristof realized he’d made a mistake?
My chest tightens, and my next few breaths are tighter than I’d like. My footsteps stumble slightly, and I make my way over to a carved stone bench under a weeping willow. The chill of the stone seeps through my skirt, and I grip my knees tightly, panting through the tightness. Sweat breaks out across my temple, and nausea churns in my gut.
Fuck.
I can’t lose him. I can’t. I won’t cope. He jokes about being obsessed with me, but he has no idea, no fucking idea how much I…
“Alena?”
My head snaps up to Nastja who stands before me, looking gorgeous as ever in leather pants and a tight red tank top.
“Nastja…”
“Darling, what’s wrong?”
She settles next to me on the bench and drapes an arm across my shoulders.
“I…” Words fail me, especially with Chek lingering so close and looking incredibly concerned. Nastja seems to catch my apprehension, and she sends Chek away with a tilt of her head. She rubs my back with one hand, and the other lifts my head to tuck some hair behind my ear.
“Talk to me,” she says softly but firmly. “What is wrong?”
“I think I might be pregnant.” It spills out of me in a hot rush, and then I slap a hand over my mouth.
Nastja’s face widens with a bright smile. “Are you sure? Darling, that’s amazing!”
“Is it?” I splutter behind my fingers. “I haven’t taken a test yet, but what am I going to do if it’s right? What am I going to do with a baby? What is Kristof going to do?”
Nastja scowls softly. “As dear as he is, forget my brother right now,” she says. “Forget him and everyone else. Tell me, how do you feel?”
“Sick.”
“Is that all?”
“Uh… scared. Like my intestines are going to crawl right up my throat and escape me. It’s not something my moth—Mara ever talked to me about. I’m scared, Nastja.”
“Your mother, she did not help you? What a foolish woman,” Nastja scoffs. “Forgive me, but even I was aware that a child for you was expected at some point. You'd think she would have prepared you somewhat.” Nastja shakes her head and sighs. “Darling, listen to me. Everyone who has ever been in your position is scared. Even people desperately trying.”
“Really?” I lower my hand and warmth prickles behind my eyes.
“Yes. But the most important thing is that you are in charge here, yes? You should take a test and ensure you are not worrying about nothing. But if it is positive, then you take time to think. Are you ready to be a mother? Do you even want to be? All of these things are important.”
