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I wish you were my dad.
There are any number of ways he could’ve said that sentence, but the word you was emphasized—as in, I wish you were my dad instead of the dipstick who actually is.
My chest tightened when he said it.
Looking back in time…what I wouldn’t give to have had the chance to be the one who was really his father.
Instead, I was forced from his mother against my will, against her will, and now we’re fighting to get it all back, but the more time marches on, the more unsure I am that we will ever be able to get it back.
There’s just so damn much in our way. But his words keep racing through my mind, and her kiss goodbye after the boys went to school is fresh on my lips, and the thought that life just isn’t fair keeps pulsing with every beat of my heart.
It isn’t fair, but complaining about it never did anybody any good. It doesn’t solve anything.
For the first time, though, I wish I was his dad, too.
And the realization is somewhat terrifying.
I try to brush it out of my mind as I head into the office, but it won’t go away.
It appears it’s going to just hang over me like a cloud the entire day, but I have a lot on my plate today. I don’t have time to be stuck in a little boy’s words from this morning.
Yet I am.
Jack shows up to my meeting with my offensive coaches—the OC along with the position coaches. He has some input for the quarterbacks coach, and everyone agrees with my decision to put Miles Hudson in as our QB1…except our QB2, Brandon Fletcher. He’s not at this meeting, though, and it’s not my job to make him feel better about losing out on the position. He played his ass off at camp, but he just doesn’t have the speed to rush or the mobility in the pocket Miles has. Miles is confident and collected on the field in a way that reminds me of Jack, and that’s what we need going into this season.
Asher’s offense looms heavy on my mind along with Jonah’s words, and I find myself distracted in my first meeting of the day.
I learned early on that we don’t celebrate a single win and we don’t mourn a single loss. It’s an entire season stacked up, and we learn from our mistakes every week, because win or lose, we made them. There is no such thing as a perfect game, and while I was gentle with my players after the loss, I’m not going easy on my coaches.
Yet…it feels misleading to snap at Bruce, the tight end coach, and Ben, who’s only here to offer help with the tight ends, when I know my brother was gambling on the game. I debate telling Bruce the truth, but I’m not sure what good it’ll do to have even one more person in on the loop. I don’t even like that my dad knows. I’m worried he’s going to use that information to his advantage, whether it means putting more pressure on me or what.
Fuck. Did he pull this shit back in Indy, too? Likely not since he rode the bench, and maybe that’s why he rode it. They were all too eager to strike a deal, and looking back, I can’t help but think I didn’t snag him. Instead, I got the raw end of the deal.
“We need to work on penalties,” I say. “Three holding calls, two false starts, and one each illegal use of hands and pass interference…they’re unacceptable.”
“Coach, I hate to be the one to say this,” Mike begins, and I turn to him with a glare. “But if you want us playing aggressively and taking risks, you’re going to see more flags being thrown against us.”
I flatten my lips as I stare him down. “Build into your practice plans now how to avoid these types of violations while continuing to be aggressive. Jeff, I’d like to talk to you about the wide receivers. The rest of you can go.”
Mike glances at me as if to ask whether he can stay, and I ignore him. Of course he can stay. He’s my offensive coordinator. But it doesn’t mean I have to like him. In fact…I don’t, and it’s already causing additional issues before the season even gets under way.
Before the rest of the coaches walk out the door, I add to the quarterback coach, “John, I’ve got Miles and Brandon scheduled to swing by in an hour. I’ll need you back here then.” He nods and heads out the door, and I’m left with my wide receiver coaches—specifically Jeff and Luke, along with Mike and Jack, who’s sticking around to get the pulse of what I’m doing with my team.
“Starting WRs will be Tristan Higgins and Travis Woods. For our three-man formations, we’ll add in Cory Marshall, and I’m going with rookie Gabe Kessler for our four WR formations. We’ll keep Cason Swanson and Noah Hawkins as our back-ups. We’ve got some serious talent in that position and I’d like to see you working on route running at practice.”
Jeff nods and jots down some notes. Mike interjects that they need to work on blocking, too, and I’m about to argue that they need to get the routes down first, but I also realize he’s here for a reason. I can’t discount everything he says or I won’t seem like I’m confident in my staff.
But maybe I’m not. At least not in Mike.
We chat a little more about what sorts of things Josh Nolan, who retired, and Damon Green, who was traded, could do that we might be lacking now, but with the pairing of Tristan and Travis, I have a hell of a lot of confidence in our receivers.
The wide receiver coaches head out, and John comes back for the quarterback meeting. Miles and Brandon arrive shortly after that, and I can feel the tension between them as I glance at Jack and Mike, who are still here with me.
A rookie just out of college with a hell of a lot of talent versus a career back-up QB.
I get that Brandon is disappointed and frustrated by our choice, and I get that he may feel as though he’s being held back. But I have to start the stronger player, and Miles is young and moldable while Brandon is pushing his mid-thirties. He’s been around for a long time, and he’s a talented guy, but he’s not quite right for the starting position when what we’re looking for are aggressive, exciting plays.
“Thank you for being here today. I want to start by saying that you both are incredibly talented men, and either one of you is capable of leading this team to victory. With that said, I wanted to let you know after seeing Miles’s performance in the first two pre-season games, he’s going to be our starter.”
