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Our hands clasped and his lips touched my skin. “We both have work to do, Sunnie Mae. You gotta heal yourself, heal your heart because that ugliness will block so many blessings.” His hands started to shake and his eyes overcast with a heaviness that weighed our hands down. “What do I have to do, Sunnie? Please help me.” The desperation in his eyes and voice squeezed my heart. “We can go to Israel, and I can baptize myself in the Jordan River. You think that’ll work?” Why was this fool trying to be funny in a serious moment?
Uncontrollably giggling, I appreciated his effort to make the moment lighthearted. “No, stupid. Although that might not be a bad idea and a good start. First,” I reached for his other hand. With both hands in mine, we locked gazes. This exchange wasn’t a filthy soul tie. Yeah, I had my mess. An ugly mess, but it wasn’t an intentional mess to add more to him. “We go to God together and ask Him for forgiveness. Ask Him to break any covenants we made unknowingly. And the hardest part… we have to change. Ask God to change our hearts and renew our minds. Ask Him what our purpose is because what if we aren’t walking in it? What if this isn’t the life He created us to have?”
Flashes of Aleyah popped into my head. Seeing her face, remembering the words I spoke, and my treatment towards her. I began wailing as if I was the victim. “I can’t do this on my own, Zeek. I can’t fight these demons alone.” He was all I had.
“Neither can I, Sunnie Mae. We’re gonna be good, mama. I promise you that.” His smile sealed his promise.
“Whew. Can we talk about something light, please?”
“Yeah. Uh, there is something else I want to talk to you about. A few things, actually.” He tightened the hold he had on my hands and the nervousness in his eyes strangled me. “Remember the other night when we were talking about our nightmares, and we had things to fix with certain people? I’m… I’m going to be a father. Crystal Rose, she’s another adult entertainer, and she’s pregnant. The paternity was between me and three other men. I got the results the same day I spiraled and wanted to kill myself. Hearing that I was about to be a father while also having the cops called on me by my dad, I didn’t feel worthy enough to live for my child. Part of me still doesn’t, but I know God didn’t bless me with this kid for no reason.”
A baby.
My Zeek was about to be a father.
A whole baby.
By another woman.
Static drummed loud in my ears and my heart slowed its race to forever. I wasn’t prepared for this. I never imagined this. In his line of work, yes, the possibility was always there, but who had time to think rationally when you’re in love with a man you forbid yourself from having? Neither of us had kids. There was a season when I was at the clinic far too often when birth control and condoms were cheaper.
But this…
This hurt.
“Talk to me, Sunnie. Say something.” His wayward eyes bore into mine. Wanting to know my inner thoughts, wanting words that I couldn’t put together.
Each time I tried to release his hold on my hands, he gripped me tighter. When I said let’s shift gears and talk about a lighter topic, I meant exactly that. Not something that broke my heart.
Was this my karma?
Was this God punishing me for how I treated my sister?
“My heart hurts, Zeek.” My voice quivered in an emotional hoarseness. “Us, the way we are with each other, the way I love you.” My limbs became limp, but he used our hands to keep my head up. He wanted to see my eyes. See my heartache. See the pain. “I always envisioned me being the mother of your children. Me being the woman you gave that blessing to. It just hurts that my dreams forever live in that dimension and will remain that… just a dream.”
His jaw clenched, and his hands slightly slacked. “How are we still not us, Sunnie Mae?” His thumb soothed the tremble in my bottom lip. “This baby doesn’t change anything between us. It will change me as a man for the better, which I’m pretty sure you’ll appreciate, however, that may look. But nothing between us changes. I’m not going to be with Crystal. We unintentionally created a child and I’ll take care of my responsibilities, but that’s it. I give you my word that you and I are safe. I promise you that.”
I heard Zeek.
I listened to his words, which were the balm my heart needed to soothe the pain, but doubt lingered because the what-if of his situation was still prevalent. Crystal might end up being the baby mama from hell. She may not want me around their child. She may want to try being in a relationship. There are a million and one different scenarios that can happen and as much as I wanted to fully put my trust in his promise, I couldn’t.
The unknown was way too unpredictable.
Changing the subject before he addressed my other concerns regarding us, I shook off my fears and tried to smile. “What’s the other thing you wanted to tell me?”
His lips curved into a smile but then it dropped just as fast. “We’re in this fight together. Remember that.” He kissed my hand, making my heart start to race again. “I wanted to surprise you and bring a little color and peace into your world as you’ve done for me for the last couple of days.” Soft knocks at his door ruined our moment. “I invited Aleyah here. She reached out to me when she heard about my mom and offered to do what she does best; make the heaviness light. She’s writing my mom’s obituary and singing a few songs at the funeral. If you can’t find it in your heart to speak to her nicely, then don’t. She and I will go out on my balcony and go over the program.”
Dear God, how much heartbreak were you going to allow me to suffer in one day?
This was too much.
I needed space.
“Let me go, Ezekiel.” I gritted.
“No.” He leaned in closer until our lips were a breath away. “Am I protecting her from you? Yes, I am. She’s a dear friend of mine, Sunnie. A very good friend of mine that I invited to my home and before your stubborn ass tries to say that you’ll leave, don’t try me. These doors lock with keys that I possess, and I don’t think you’ll jump thirty-four floors down trying to run from facing your problems head on. I won’t allow you to disrespect her in my presence because of your internal shit. Your my main priority, and as the keeper of your sanity, trust me that I’m still keeping your feelings at high regard.” He stood and walked to my side of the table and finally gave my soul the contact it needed. The minute his arms wrapped around my body, I became a limp emotional mess.
“Zeek…”
