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Even though I am closer I still maintain my distance from him. He seems even more stressed today than he was yesterday. Eventually, I’m going to have to ask him if everything is okay and if I should maybe think about finding somewhere else to stay. What if I’m cramping his style? Keeping him from having someone over? Or getting on his nerves with the constant cooking and cleaning I do when I am hugely stressed?
When my phone rings it jerks me out of my thoughts about Spade. I don’t think I’ve paid attention to any of the movie since it started. I answer and feel my body change - it’s automatic now when I hear her voice. My shoulders slump, my brow creases, and I can’t seem to sit still - my body’s way of trying to outrun whatever bad news she is about to drop on me today.
“Hey, Mom. How are you?” I look over at Spade and tell him not to pause the movie for me. Why stop the bloodshed when there will only be more when my mother is done?
I make my way to the bedroom I am borrowing and softly close the door.
“Where is Roman?”
“What?” What does she do…low jack his suitcases?
“Where is Roman? Is he there with you?”
“No. He was called away on business. Do you need him?” There are a hundred things I want to say to her but instead, I breathe through the hurt, anger, and uncertainty and just say the minimum.
“I worried about your father saying something to him. Even though we have an agreement. The fucking man can’t keep his word for the life of him.”
“I don’t think Dad told him, Mom. I talked to him earlier today and he seemed fine.”
“Well let’s hope he stays that way. If he finds out and cuts you off you can kiss college goodbye and then who knows what will become of you. Probably doing some menial job and running your life into the ground. Why couldn’t you have been a prettier child? We could have already had you married off and I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this.”
“Sorry, mom.” Sorry, I am apparently a dog and not even one of the cute little ones. I’m just the overgrown, clumsy ones that take up too much space.
“Just hope and pray that man keeps his mouth shut long enough for us to get Roman to pay for your tuition.”
By the time I hang up, I don’t even want to go back to school. Fuck school. Is it really worth lying to someone you love? And what happens after he finds out? Won’t he feel used? I stay in the room for a long time but realize it’s kind of rude just to not come back out like that. I at least need to tell Spade I’m not feeling up to anyone being around me anymore.
“Hey, um, I’m a little tired. I think I’m just going to head on to bed.”
He looks up at me and then back to the television before doing a double take. Shit, I don’t think I sounded as convincing as perhaps I should’ve been, “What’s wrong? Who called?”
“It…I…my mother. I think…I’m just going to go to bed.”
He’s up with my hands in his before I can turn. He pulls me to the couch and sits so close to me that our legs are brushing. I focus on that, so I don’t break down and do something stupid like cry. The last thing I want to do is get my mess all over someone who doesn’t deserve it.
“What happened? Did she upset you?”
I shake my head. Mom stopped upsetting me a long time ago. No, this is more like self-induced misery. One day I’ll just stop answering my phone like Roman does and then I won’t have to worry about what a disappointment I am to her and everyone she knows.
“What is it? I can tell you’re upset.” Our knees knock together and before I realize what he is about to do he has me in his lap. “I really don’t like when you don’t look happy, beautiful.”
I hear the shakiness in my indrawn breath as I refuse to meet his eyes. All I can do is shake my head. It’s the only thing I am sure I can get out right now. How can he give me a nickname like beautiful when my own mother thinks I’m nothing but a fuck-up? “I…”
I roll my lips around my teeth so I don’t say something I shouldn’t. Like the truth. “No matter what you say, I won’t judge you, sweetheart.”
“I have a secret…,” I rush to continue, “actually, it’s my mom’s secret but it, uh, affects everybody and…she doesn’t want me to tell… Roman.”
His brows shoot up and I look down so I can play with my fingers where they are clutched in my lap, and I don’t have to see his reaction. It’s the closest I will come to actually telling someone this thing that is weighing me down like a stone around my neck.
Silence is the only thing that I get from him at first but then I feel his hand rubbing my back and when he speaks it’s soft and smooth, “Does it have anything to do with your dad not wanting to pay for your tuition?”
I gasp, my eyes fly up to meet his as I try to figure out how he knows. Roman must have said something about it before he left. “How…?”
I give up and finally nod. Will he be able to guess the secret from the little clues I have given him? A part of me wants him to and another part doesn’t. Will it make him think differently about me? Will he tell Roman? Am I putting my trust in the wrong person?
“What if I guess what it is? Can I guess?”
I bite down on both my lips as they curl around my teeth again and then I give him a shoulder shrug without really answering him.
