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“I understand you don’t like it, Kai. It’ll grow back. We’re talking about you right now.”
“I like it,” I said quickly. “I love it. I love it so much I want to rip your face clean off because if I don’t, I will sit on it. Why the fuck did you cut your hair?”
He froze. “Do not speak to me like that.”
“Now you want to enforce rules about how we interact?” I leaned into my hip and crossed my arms, swiveling my head on my neck. “And what if I said, ‘Do not tie me to any furniture and threaten to torture me with a vibrator?’ Would that be along the same lines?”
“Are you really going to give me no choice, Kai?!” He kept his voice low enough that our conversation remained private, but his tone was sharp. I reared my head back at the intensity of his question. “Is every conversation we have for the rest of our lives going to be like this, or do I need to suck it up and fuck you once so you can get it out of your system and leave me alone?”
Did he really just say that to me?
My shoulder twitched. My hand was suddenly hungry to make stinging contact with his fucking face. But I didn’t. I could never. The line between my anger and my heartbreak was so very thin, the thread fraying before my eyes.
So that was all I was to him. His obnoxious friend who wouldn’t leave him alone, who begged him for a fuck he didn’t even want.
“Suck it up and fuck me once?” I parroted. I hoped my eyes were shooting red lasers at his head, though they might’ve just been red with sadness. “Do you not remember who I am?”
“Do you not remember who I am? I’m a dick, Kai. It’s not my fault you’re the last of them to figure it out.” He blew past me and joined the rest of the group without another word.
Fucking. Asshole.
I stood there for a moment breathing deeply, unsure of who the hell I’d just been speaking to, before following in his path and joining the others. Aaron immediately received me with a sigh of happiness and a huge hug. Fake. He was faking it. He turned me around to face the rest of the circle of friends and held me in his embrace from behind. While I couldn’t see him, I had a feeling he was looking Jonah directly in the eye.
“What are you doing?” I whispered.
“Helping,” Aaron murmured.
Not helping. Jonah stared at us very intensely. I couldn’t decide if I cared or not. Maybe he deserved it after what he’d just said. I’d never stoop so low as to use jealousy against him, but he’d made it pretty clear he didn’t give a shit about me, so perhaps this was fitting.
More guests began to flood into the party, occupying the empty space surrounding the chairs and balloons. It was a large group, and despite being in the company of six of my closest friends, I was entirely alone, dropped in the middle of this occasion with no defenses.
Except one.
If Jonah thought I was so fucking pesky, I’d be the peskiest bitch he ever met.
???
Jonah
He was touching her. My beautiful Kai who had hidden from closeness and rejected intimacy was folded between the arms of an obnoxiously attractive mountain of a man. What if she didn’t want to be touched? What if I didn’t want her to be touched? Shit.
“Would you mind getting her away from him? I can’t watch that right now,” I whispered to June, who stood next to me. I couldn’t do it myself without exploding, without worsening this situation between us.
According to their little phone conversation last night, Kai and Aaron knew everything about each other. But not even that notion could scrape away the thoughts from my mind. Javi, Justin, and all the assholes in between. This wasn’t a game to be played. Aaron couldn’t push me with his stupid competitiveness. All he could do was stir up heartbreaking feelings from the past and douse my hatred for him in gasoline.
June turned to Thalia for a bit of small talk and waved Kai over. Kai broke free and approached them, and the three girls walked to a far corner, drinks in hand. My tense shoulders eased only the slightest bit as I watched them put distance between themselves and the rest of us.
A few minutes later, I dropped my bones into a plastic lawn chair beside Oli, hoping I could at least brood in peace without having to force conversation with the other guests. Every single person at the party was fucking gorgeous.
All of them.
There wasn’t a single one who appeared to neglect their physical health, not a single one who took to hiding in their room instead of going to the gym, or who wore the same few shirts instead of rotating through a real wardrobe. I turned to Oli, who’d hardly worked out a day in his life and wore the same red flannel he wore all throughout college. For some reason, it didn’t make me feel any better.
My new haircut had been a promise between us. Between Oli and me. More like a celebration. One day, we said years ago, when I was feeling better, I’d mark the new, happy phase of my life with some physical changes to match the mental ones. I’d cut away all the sadness and start fresh.
And I was feeling better.
I made the appointment the day after we went to the nightclub. Something about finally confiding in Kai about everything that had happened with Caroline made me realize how far I’d come, and I wanted to commemorate it with a surprise for my friends. To show them that I was growing.
