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I nodded. “Okay.”
He sat down on the futon, shifting in his spot, his fierce, green gaze stuck on me as I took my place to his right. “Last night you told me you wanted something back, and I just…” A pause. “Well, I know it has something to do with Justin, so—”
I cut him off quickly, lifting a hand. “I get it. We don’t need to have this conversation. I was just in a weird headspace last night.” I suddenly wanted to jump out of my seat, though I wasn’t entirely sure of my trajectory anymore. Either him or the door. Just because I was having inappropriate thoughts about fucking my best friend, it did not mean we needed to dig through all that shit. That was a much, much longer conversation that I was not in the mood to explore. I turned myself to face the desk instead of him and gripped the futon tightly.
“Kai, come on.”
I adjusted myself, crossing my legs on the bed and resting my fingers over my ankles as I kept my gaze firmly ahead. I refused to answer. I didn’t even want to think about what he was poking at.
“Is this particular thing harder to talk about?” he asked.
As I ignored him, I noticed anger building inside of me, much to my surprise. I really hadn’t expected it but was quickly losing control of it. Every second that I felt his stare on me was like an hour under a microscope. My gawking at his naked abdomen was not an invitation to open up this box of shit about Justin, about my sexuality, and his prodding was the last thing I needed. “I just don’t even know what you want to hear, Jonah. You already know everything.”
“Obviously, I don’t, Kai, or I wouldn’t be asking. Can we just be honest for a minute?” It seemed he was on edge as well because those sentences left his mouth a bit sharper than he’d probably intended.
I paused for a long while, flipping through escape options in my head, observing the room for anything that might help me in my getaway. Perhaps I could toss a sheet over his head and run during the distraction, or maybe I could open the window by his bed and jump right out of it. Fuck. Nothing. Begrudgingly, I accepted my fate. “It’s not a big deal. Justin had been looking at me weirdly for a while, and I should’ve been on higher alert when we visited the studio. That’s all.”
“You didn’t need to be on higher alert. He needed to not be an asshole. None of that is your fault, Kai.”
That statement was such bullshit, and I couldn’t help but snap. “None of it’s my fault yet somehow I’m left to deal with the consequences!” Jonah’s eyes widened into one of those stupid, gaping looks. “Don’t tell me I don’t need to be on high alert, Jonah, when you’ve never been alone and vulnerable with someone twice your size. Everyone seems to think they have a right. I don’t give a shit whose fault it is. It happens.”
I made to launch off the bed and leave the room, but Jonah caught my hand lightly, tugging me back. “No. Please.” His voice was so small and delicate. I practically fell back down next to him as I watched his eyes shatter like glass. “Have there been many…instances like Justin?”
I returned to my previous position, crossing my legs tightly and facing away from him. Jonah’s hand fell to my knee, and I swiped it away crossly as I fired my next sentence. “What do you want? A fucking highlight reel of my college experience?”
“Is that what this is all about?”
“Is that what this is all about?” I mocked. I glared at him and pointed to my head. “Jonah, I am so fucked that I haven’t thought about Justin once since yesterday. It has not crossed my mind all day. I guarantee you are worrying about it much more than I am.” It was true, whether it was healthy or not.
“I just think this is something you should talk through. This is something that I want you to talk to me about.”
“Why would I do that, Jonah?” I flung my hand out to question the air. “It’s incredibly personal.”
“We are incredibly personal, Kai. We’ve grown up together, we’ve slept together, we’ve showered together for fuck’s sake. Have you processed anything during these last couple of years since Javi, or have you just swallowed it and let it build up inside of you until you’re so full that even the slightest touch sets you off?” His quick blinking was the only sign of his nerves as spoke to me more sternly than he probably ever had.
My head reared back with offense. How dare he judge me for the way I worked on my shit? He wasn’t one to fucking talk. He was the fucking king of bottling it up. “Fuck you.”
“Just let it out already, Kai. Stop avoiding it.”
“I want to avoid it!” My arms clamped over me in a twisted position. “Why is that so hard for you to understand? It shouldn’t matter to you how the hell I feel about my life, my experiences. It’s in the past; we are in the present.”
He shook his head, huffing a breath and pulling at his own fingers. “Why do you avoid it?”
“Why do you care?”
“Because I’m trying to understand what you’re comfortable with!” He shot out of his seat and paced in a circle, letting his forehead fall to his fingers as his chest rose and fell a number of times. “You’re asking something of me, Kai. In return, I ask for context.”
“I’m not asking you for anyth—”
“You asked me to show you!” He paused, allowing a visible swallow to pass through his thin neck as he brought the volume down a notch. “Even last night. I thought it… I thought it was a joke. I—”
I stood to meet him. If context was truly important to him, context I’d give him. “I always wanted to enjoy being with someone without needing to fuck them, and it was never possible. It’s all anyone ever thought about, Jonah. I felt like the only person on the planet who didn’t feel the need to do it and I hated it. I didn’t just hate it. I wanted everyone else to hate it too. I wanted the whole world to stop fucking for fuck’s sake. But that’s what people did in my crowd. I was bound to crack under pressure at least one time out of ten, and my god, the pressure never stopped. So, I did it. I forced myself, and in doing so, I lost it.” I held my arms out to the side. “I was just curious to see if I could find it again.”
He was quiet for a long while before he asked, “Is that what you want back? Sex?”
I wiped the heel of my hand under my eye to smear a tear. “I’m not talking about this with you. My sex life has nothing to do with you.”
“Do not insult me just because you—”
