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My journey with my vessel had certainly been a long one. I was sick a lot as a kid. I had trouble with portion control, feelings of fullness, and knowing my limits. By the time I went to college, my weight had moved to more…appreciated places. I didn’t feel nauseous all the time, and I didn’t mind the way clothes fit me anymore. Neither did other people, and the way they looked at me, touched me, intruded on me, eventually brought me right back to hating again, but in a different way. It wasn’t so much discomfort within anymore, but discomfort on the outside. No touching. No closeness.
Then I found the gym. Hate was replaced with rage and it fueled me in becoming a fountain of power. I grew my shield. Anyone daring to get too close to my flesh was repelled by the metal aegis lying underneath. Or at least I liked to think that way. My mind wasn’t as strong as my body was, and it wasn’t pleased with what it saw in the mirror today.
Muscle begins to atrophy after a few weeks, not one. It’s fine. You’re fine.
But I felt sluggish. Uncomfortable. A girl pulling her shirt over her backside. A woman with unwanted red marks strung across her hips after a night in too-tight lingerie. I wanted to get back in the gym. To move. To run. To do anything. The lines of my abdomen were perfectly visible, though not as sharp as they were last week. I had to fix that. I have to fix that.
No.
You’re fine.
Shut up.
I pushed through the bathroom door and moved across the hall to the bedroom, painful surges of emotion already stinging behind my face.
Truly, I had a good relationship with my body. Finally. But my body wasn’t the issue, my head was. As long as I stuck to my routine, I wouldn’t break down. But I hadn’t stuck to my routine. I’d gotten lost in the move, and my brain begged me to simply get back on track. It had a habit of derailing when I strayed too far from my activities.
Jonah sat in his computer chair, clicking around on his programs and music platforms. I pushed the corners of my mouth down as he looked at me to let him know I was feeling sad. He immediately snatched his headphones off and launched from his seat, wrapping me in a bony hug.
My breath bounced back at me as I mumbled into his T-shirt, his hand rubbing between my shoulder blades. “Will you take me to a gym?”
He sighed and held me tighter. “Are you sure that’s where you need to go?”
He probably wanted to ask, Wouldn’t you prefer a therapist’s office? And the answer was no. Not for this particular problem. I’d spoken to many helpful professionals over the years and I was quite aware of the way my brain started to schlep when I was robbed of my routine. My habits were not a prison. They were my joyful freedom, my regulation, and my choice.
“I just want to get back to my hobbies. And I need more content for work. I’m running out of drafts.”
He backed up and shoved his hands in his pockets, straightening his elbows fully as he nodded. “I already looked into it for you before you came.” My insecurity cowered away from the forefront of my mind, Jonah’s efforts having replaced it with a smile. “There’s a gym that’s big and open with lots of light right up the street. It’s content-friendly. Recording is allowed. You can walk there in fifteen minutes. There’s a dance studio too, but you’d need to take a car to get to it. I know you haven’t been going to the studio much, but it’s there and it has the most flexible options for hourly rentals. But if you want to look up your own places…” He shrugged.
“Were you that excited about me coming?”
“Yes,” he answered immediately, the last syllable of my question hardly having left my lips.
I paused for a moment to take him in, wondering how I ever got so lucky to have this beautiful man on my side. On my team. “It’s hot when you get all analytical,” I teased.
His face fell as he grabbed his phone and wallet from his desk, likely getting ready to accompany me to this supposedly spacious gym. His eyes didn’t leave mine as he placed the items in his pockets and walked toward the door. “Careful, Kai,” he said as he passed me. “If I think you’re interested, I just might take advantage.”
My jaw dropped. A warm, bubbling sensation began forming in my lower abdomen, sending tingles around my insides. For a moment, I just stood there in silence with my mouth agape. This was not the Jonah I’d known all my life. He was just as quiet and reserved as ever, but where the hell had all this teasing come from?
“Too far?” he asked with a grin as he held the door open for me.
I crossed my arms and let him sit with his ridiculous self for a few seconds longer. I was going to have to ramp up my game with this new version of him. He was so oddly intriguing. “If I say no, I’d be consenting, and if I say yes, I’d be lying.”
“Smart girl.” His eyes flicked over me once in a way that had me worried about just how much I was enjoying this interaction. “You win this round.”
I raised my eyebrows, looking him over from head to toe. “I always will, Jo. But I won’t lie, you’re putting up an impressive fight lately. I don’t know what’s gotten into you.”
“Kai, I don’t know if you know this, but I’m kind of a big deal around here.” He put his arm over my shoulder and led me out the door casually. “I’m a rockstar, an influencer. I am raw, real talent.”
“Oh.” I sucked in a pained breath and pulled my cheeks back. “I’m so sorry, but I’m more into quiet nerds.”
He kissed me on the side of the head and snorted. “Then I’m afraid we’ve missed our window.”
Jonah walked me to the gym and stayed while I set up my membership. I told him I’d be two hours, and he promised to come back when I finished, though I assured him he didn’t have to. He was probably worried I’d get distracted and go off exploring or something which, to his credit, was a fair concern.
It was 10:30 a.m. and the gym was starting to fill with late morning lifters. The walls of the main room were charcoal gray with red detailing all around, the machines a mix of red, black and silver. It was clean and spacious and while it was well-equipped, it was set up in a way that didn’t make it so overwhelming to look at. What really made the place beautiful were the floor-to-ceiling windows at the entrance that lit up the entire facility.
After leaving my things in the locker room and doing a quick loop around the main room, I managed to find an empty platform and a rogue barbell. It was enough for a simple workout. First day back, after all. I finished a warm-up and four sets of deadlifts before taking off my T-shirt. The mirror in front of me revealed my physique under the bright gym lighting. I observed the lines that cut over and around my belly button and the curves of my legs through my hazel leggings.
