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“A whoopee cushion under the pillow to start, of course…”
Oli held up his finger, silently commanding me to wait, and snuck across the hall to his bedroom. A few moments later, he returned with a pink inflatable cushion and scampered over to Jonah’s bed.
“Make sure the tongue thingy sticks out a little or it won’t work,” I said.
“As if I didn’t know that.” He positioned Jonah’s pillow perfectly on top, lifting it and placing it down lightly over and over again until it was just right. “Last month I signed him up for an email list for some sex toy shop, but it didn’t turn out to be as funny as I thought it would be. So, I bought a huge dildo and had it delivered to him. It was priceless.” He snorted as he finally turned away from the bed to face me.
I lifted my hand to my mouth and wheezed, trying to muffle my laughter. I had to keep quiet. If June and Jonah heard us, they’d interrupt to see what was so funny. “Do you still have it?”
He nodded, disappeared to his room, and returned with it in his hands, snickering as he held it like a precious poison that he was going to use to defeat his enemy. The thing was fucking enormous.
I lifted my palm at him in a stop position. “It hasn’t been used, has it?”
He released a single chuckle. “No, no. I can assure you, June is more than content with…” Our gazes snagged, and he stopped himself, clearing his throat. “Sorry.” There were some lines Oli and I didn’t quite cross together.
“Gross.” I tutted and turned back toward Jonah’s bed.
We proceeded to put the long, floppy dildo about two-thirds of the way down on the mattress, hidden perfectly between the sheets. My head filled up with silly pressure as I refrained from howling aloud, choking on my own giggles. The thought of Jonah startling at the feel of the toy on his toes as his pillow simultaneously ripped a fart was simply too much for me to handle. Just in case it wasn’t enough to tick him off, as he really was a hard one to crack, we also set his computer chair to the lowest setting, just to be annoying.
A suspicious amount of time had passed since Oli and I had been in the room. We made our way back out to find our friends before they caught on, chewing back our laughs to absolutely no avail. They knew what we’d done the second we walked in.
June, who was preparing drinks at the kitchen island, looked up, smiled, and rolled her eyes. Jonah, who was standing next to her and dumping a bag of chips into a bowl, stopped what he was doing immediately. He dropped his wrist down to the counter, the bag of chips crinkling in his fingers, and sighed. It was the first time his smile dropped all night.
“I will ignore it,” he said as if he were the most exhausted person on the planet, “because I know whatever it is will make you laugh.” He looked directly at me. “June has gotten into the wine already. It’s only 5:00 but you must be tired, Kai. Do you want a coffee instead?”
I strutted over and stood to his left, opposite June. “First of all, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Oli released a high-pitched he-he from where he stood and quickly slapped his hand over his mouth. It took every ounce of my energy not to do the same. “Second of all, I couldn’t work that thing if I tried.” I pointed to their…coffee machine?
At least, I think it was a coffee machine. It looked more like a fucking rocket ship to me. It had so many buttons I couldn’t even begin to count them, three different places where I assumed coffee might come out of, a random metal spout sticking out from one side, and what appeared to be a wood chipper on top. It was the kind of thing I only ever saw in cafes, not in homes, and it was certainly fancier than anything I was used to using. The thing probably cost more than my life.
“That thing was very expensive,” June said. “Jonah bought it for the house last Christmas. You’ll love it, Kai.”
I lifted an eyebrow. “It looks like a torture device. I wouldn’t have even known it was a coffee machine if that mug wasn’t sitting on it.”
“Not surprising,” Oli said, “coming from the girl who can’t tell a lemon from a lime.”
“I can too!” I flipped my middle finger his way and smacked a hand on the counter. “It’s just different in Spanish. I told you that. And that machine is really high-tech. Mine was just a little metal pot on a stove.”
“A percolator.” Jonah’s voice sounded to my right. I turned and scrunched my nose at him in confusion. “A percolator,” he repeated. “That’s what your coffee maker was called.”
“Right. A perc-o-lator. Can we get one of those so I can make coffee too?” I glanced around at my new roommates in search of approval.
“You can get whatever you want. This is your house too,” June said.
“I’ll teach her to use the coffee machine,” Jonah announced to no one in particular as he held the bowl of chips up to me. I took one from the top and popped it in my mouth. “We’re both early risers, so we’ll have plenty of time for lessons.” There was a hint of sarcasm in his voice as his green eyes fell flat on mine, kind of like he was amused by me, kind of like he was testing me.
“She is an early riser,” Oli corrected. “You are anxious and restless and therefore cannot sleep. Don’t lump yourself in with her.” He and June each lifted a glass of wine from the counter, clinked them together, and took a sip.
“At least I’m out of my room before noon,” Jonah muttered.
“If you were doing what we do in the mornings, noon would feel too soon.” Oli grinned like a cat as June snorted and pulled him into a kiss.
Icky. I twisted my face and locked eyes with Jonah, who lifted his brows at me as if to say, You have no idea.
I took the bowl of chips from him and brought it to the coffee table, placing it in the center and shuffling around the remotes and other paraphernalia on the surface to make space for our little spread. Jonah followed with our two wine glasses and stood each of them on top of a red coaster.
“Coasters,” I said as I plopped down onto the gray couch cushions. “How adult.”
Jonah cracked a smile and sat down next to me. Oli and June plunked themselves on the other couch which jutted straight across the main room, dividing the kitchen area from the TV area. The loveseat positioned directly across from me remained empty, of course, and I began to wonder why they needed so much furniture and so many appliances for so few people. I thought my tiny apartment was over-the-top incredible just because I’d fixed the counter and painted the walls. But my friends? They were like…established. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit behind.
