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The smile hiding beneath my cheeks pushed harder at my skin, trying to pry its way out of me. “You say that now.”
“I mean it. You couldn’t find another friend better than me if you tried. So, there’s nothing to be jealous of.”
“Is that a dare?”
“It most certainly is not. You’re mine, Jo. All mine.”
That’s what I wanted to hear. For a moment, my brain was silent. “I am entirely.”
“Fine, then, maybe you’re right.” She sat up once again, restless in her position, and stuck her teddy bear on her head to try and balance it as she spoke. “Stay in your room. Better yet, drop out, please. I can’t have you around all those distractions. I don’t want anyone stealing my best friend.”
“That would never happen,” I crooned.
“I know.” She giggled as she dropped the dramatics as well as the bear from her head, her voice returning to her neutral happiness. “I just want to make sure you’re okay, Jo. You’re in there all day, every day.”
Groan. Was it so hard to believe that I preferred to be in here all day every day? What other option did I have? Go outside and force an enthusiasm that wasn’t mine? “I’m more than okay, Kai.”
“Mhm.” She didn’t believe me. Rightfully so, honestly. “And Oli? How is he? Is he having fun?”
I shrugged. “He hardly leaves the library. He’s been studying so much.” I barely even saw him during the day. He spent endless hours in classes, studying away for a degree he didn’t even want. What he really wanted was approval from his father and, not to be a dick, he was never going to get it. “Have you talked to him recently?”
“How could I? Between your calls and texts, I hardly have time to shower, let alone talk to other people.”
Ah, a perfect setup for me to say something stupid. “If you take our calls into the shower with you, you’ll free up just enough time to check in with him. See how simple?”
“Careful what you wish for, Jonah.” She lifted an eyebrow as her voice lowered into something sultry. “Your cool exterior will only get you as far as I let it.” Mmm. Minxy Kai.
“You know, someday I’ll learn to bite back, and you’ll regret it.” It was a lie. I would never be strong or cool enough to conquer her in any sort of way. At least not in real life.
“I don’t believe you one bit, Jo, but it’ll be fun to watch you try.”
I accepted my loss and changed the subject as I was now in real danger of a smirk emerging from my stoic face. “What about you? How’s everything in Madrid? Tell me your findings for the week so far.”
“Oh, Jojo.” She sighed sweetly, dropping her head back on the wall behind her and letting her bear sit in her lap. “Same as every week. Everyone here seems biologically drawn to thumpy music and cheap hookups. I’m trying my hardest to find the fun in it all.”
“You don’t have to, Kai, if those things don’t interest you.” She didn’t have to nor did I want her to, frankly. What can I say? Sue me. There were plenty of activities in which she could partake that didn’t involve getting close to strangers while I sat around imagining the worst against my will. Our friend group was never one for hookups or parties, and to see her thrust right into the middle of it all was just uncomfortable. For me and for her, by the sound of it.
“Yes, maybe I should just sit in my room, wearing black and writing songs instead.”
“I recommend it. I don’t want you out there getting distracted either. It’s not hard to find someone more likable than me but I need you to keep believing that it is or I’m afraid I’ll lose you forever.”
“Oh, Jonah. I couldn’t live without you! I couldn’t breathe without you!” she said with performative verve, lifting the back of her hand to her forehead. Dramatic Kai. A favorite of mine. When she was in my favor, of course.
“I know you’re just saying that to make me feel better.” Not that it didn’t work. She was the only one who could accomplish such a feat. Sure, Oli dampened the calamity in my head with his presence or surprise bottles of whiskey, but Kai silenced it. I honestly had half a mind to believe she was some sort of sorceress.
Just as I caught a glimpse of the person I was a few months ago, Kai put the ever-dreaded end to our conversation under the ruse that she needed to get to dance class and that she’d be late if we chatted any longer. I obviously didn’t expect her to drop her entire life and keep me afloat—I wasn’t that much of an asshole. But, selfishly, I did find it a bit unfair that I seemed to be the only one in our little friend group who found themselves unable to continue living.
Our video chat ended, and I was once again left at the desk of my dorm room, sinking into my sweatshirt, staring at the books in front of me and letting my bones cut into the wooden chair with the punitive weight of my body.
This is bullshit. This is all bullshit.
I wasn’t always such an asshole. And truth be told, I’m not really pretentious either. I prefer the term misunderstood.
It all started about four months ago. I was eighteen years old, recently graduated from high school, spending a beautiful summer morning neglecting my long, black hair by tying it into a low bun instead of brushing it. Looking down, I noticed the T-shirt I’d worn to bed the night before was still perfectly clean, so I left it in place, naturally. I pulled a pair of black, jean shorts over my legs. My stupid, skinny legs. Then, I looked at my own green eyes in the mirror for a few long seconds. After confirming that I was still just as unattractive as I was the day before, I made my way downstairs to the kitchen.
As soon as my foot hit the floor tiles, the sound of incessant knocking invaded my ears, tapping against my brain sharply. I craned my neck with a grunt to find the back door vibrating under someone’s strong fist. The top of Oli’s head was visible through the decorative window at the top of it.
I trudged toward him to let him in before he caught the attention of everyone in the house. “Oliver, I believe the agreement had always been that if you wanted to destroy my home, you’d need to huff and puff. The use of fists seems unfair, considering your size and strength—”
