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“What do you mean?” I giggled, hoping the laugh would cover up the fact I was about to call him out. “You have friends who are girls. Besides, you know I’m not only into guys and you don’t mind when I hang out with Ana and Rachel. I’m only into you.”
I moved my hand to his shoulder, but he shook it away.
“Whatever, Kai. For all I know you’ll fuck Jonah and Oli and his girlfriend since you’re all so fucking gay. Think about how I must feel with these guys just showing up. I’m done.”
He spun out of the room in a flash and shut the door behind himself as I was left with a sinking feeling I’d become rather acquainted with. I shouldn’t have said that. If I hadn’t pushed back, he would still be here. That was my fault.
I stared at the wall, unable to make any sort of next move. I understood that my words and actions always led me to the places I ended up; that was easy to grasp. What I didn’t understand was why those words and actions always seemed to lead me to the wrong places. I tried. I made an effort. I did my best to fit in, have fun, and ensure the people around me did the same. So why weren’t the pieces falling into place? Why the fuck was Javi mad right now? And why was it always my fault?
“Let’s go up on the roof,” a quiet voice said behind me.
I whipped around to find the source and came face to face with June. I stuck on a friendly smile for her. “How’d you sleep?” I asked. I much preferred to hear about her rest patterns than her concerns.
She tilted her head to let me know she saw right through me. “Come on.”
Dammit. My eyebrows twitched as I turned and followed her out, remaining in silence as we ascended.
She pushed open the heavy door to the roof of the hotel, and we were immediately met with crisp air. We’d only slept a few hours, and the sun and breeze felt excellent on my sleepy headache. There wasn’t much on the roof besides a couple of tables and a few dinky chairs, so we walked to the edge and leaned on the stone railing. The busy street below bustled with Sunday morning cars as I folded my arms on the surface in front of me and hung my head down to gaze.
It was a perfect day to stroll the city and drink coffee. It wasn’t hot nor cold, not too sunny nor too cloudy. Just crystalline, blue skies and an easy spring feeling. Everything was lovely, except for the nausea building in my gut.
My brain knew that Javi and I would talk again. We always did. But my stomach and my heart never seemed to listen because they were left shaken each time he stormed away.
“Do you want to talk about it?” June asked. I looked up. Her eyes stayed firmly on me as she tucked her dark hair behind her ear. “I hope I’m not being too nosy.”
I shook my head. “Not at all. It’s no big deal, really.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.” I took a deep breath. I could already feel the tears filling up my body and threatening to spill over into my words. “I think I just need to be more careful about his feelings. Sometimes I don’t…” Unfortunately for my dignity, the tears spilled over mid-sentence. “Sometimes I don’t even know what’s going on and then suddenly he’s mad and it’s my fault.” She nodded. I was shocked she could understand me through my sobs and mumbles. “He’s always upset, you know? And I…” I sucked up a thick sniffle and swallowed my whines. “I try so hard to be a good girlfriend, and he still gets upset. I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.”
“You’re not doing anything wrong, Kai. He is.”
I stared at her for a moment. No one had ever said that to me before. Not in the weeks since Javi and I started dating nor in the weeks prior during which we were just sleeping together. But I didn’t quite believe her either. If I was going to wait around for a perfect partner who never fucked up and I never fought with, I’d be alone forever. That kind of thing just didn’t exist. It was impossible that I wasn’t doing anything wrong because everyone does things wrong sometimes. So, why should I have judged Javi on the things he did wrong as opposed to the things he did right?
“Did you understand what we were talking about back there?” I asked, wondering what base she had to go off of.
“No. But I’ve been watching him since yesterday, and from what you’ve just said…” She shrugged. “Sorry. I don’t mean to overstep, but it seems like you need to hear it. Girl to girl.”
I smiled to make sure she knew I wasn’t offended. “It’s okay. He’s fine, he’s just got a lot going on.” I liked June a lot, and I wanted to get to know her better, but I wasn’t quite ready to talk about Javi. Not with her or with anyone. Not even myself.
???
By the end of the week, I hardly remembered the drama from that first morning, but my queasiness settled back into place as I realized we only had a few hours left until Jo, Oli, and June’s flight home.
Jonah and I sat alone on the bed in the hotel room, leaning against the headboard as Oli and June showered together. I tucked my knees into my chest, and he sat criss-crossed next to me. The room was entirely devoid of movement or visible emotion as we stared straight ahead, doing nothing more than listening to the spray of water through the bathroom door and the cars outside the window.
Finally, I piped up. “I don’t want you to go.”
He just shook his head and looked down at his fingers which were placed in his lap. I knew he was just as sad as I was, even if he didn’t show it.
The last time I’d seen him in person was when I moved. Pulling away from that driveway was something I’d never forget.
He held it together on my last day, keeping a straight face though his eyes watered for most of it. It wasn’t until the very last second, when our car had moved just far enough up the road and the boys were almost out of sight, that I saw Jonah turn to Oli and sob. It’s not that I hadn’t seen him cry before. I had. Only once or twice, really. But that cry. Boy, it was heartbreaking. They bent over each other like two wilted flowers for only a split second until a fast line of bushes cut my view of them forever. I never saw them like that again. They were older now. I was too.
Jonah still hadn’t said anything back to me, so I bumped his shoulder. “Aren’t you gonna miss me?”
No answer.
