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My own eyes prick with tears. “Aw, come on…”
“I love you so much.”
Tears run down my cheeks. “I know.”
“I don’t tell you enough. I find it so hard, I don’t know why. The words just won’t come out. When you say I love you, you’re giving the other person the power to hurt you.”
“That’s true, but that’s the beauty of a relationship. Trusting that the other person won’t hurt you.”
“I know, but it’s so hard. I’ve built this wall around myself, around my heart, and I’m too afraid to let anyone in. It’s the only way I can cope.”
I move back as he lowers his hands and wipes his cheeks. His green eyes glisten.
“I understand,” I say. “I know how hard it is for you. But the thing is, I need someone who will tell me he loves me. Who’ll respond when I touch him. Who isn’t afraid to hold me and show affection. I’m sorry, but I’ve tried so hard, and I just feel so lonely.”
“I know.” He meets my eyes. “But what if I was to try harder?”
“Cam… come on. We’ve tried so many times to make this work.”
“I know, but this is the first time I’ve really understood that I’m going to lose you if I don’t change.”
I don’t say anything, brushing a hand over my face. Oh God, this is so hard.
“I love you,” he says. “For Christ’s sake, don’t throw away seven years for a fucking one-night stand.”
I bristle, just a little. I suppose it was a one-night stand. But it felt so much more than that. A culmination of years of hope and longing.
“I don’t think we can get over the problems we have,” I say. “Maybe we could try if it was just about communicating better, but I think the issues we have in the bedroom are too hard to overcome.”
“Don’t say that. I’ll change.”
“Cam…”
“I swear, I’ll change. I won’t ask you to do any of those things. I shouldn’t have gone to see Vanessa, I shouldn’t ask you to change for me. I know that. We’ll work together. We’ll talk about it, and spend more time on foreplay. I’ll work really hard.”
I think about Henry. How easy it was with him. We didn’t have to work at anything. It just happened, and it was such a relief.
“I’m not going to let him take you,” Cam says fiercely, and I know then that he could see I was thinking about Henry.
“It’s not up to you,” I say desperately.
“You’re my girl,” he says. “And he’s a thief who’s snuck in during the night. I’m not going to let him steal you away from me. I’m going to fight for you, Juliette. I’m not just going to let you go.”
I didn’t expect this. I thought he’d be mad that I’d slept with someone else, and that he’d either ask me to leave, or walk out. I thought once I told him that it’d be easy. Oh God, I was so wrong.
It’s my turn to cry then.
Chapter Fifteen
Henry
I don’t hear from Juliette for two days.
That worries me. After our text message on Christmas Day, and her saying I’m nearly done, I thought the next time I heard from her, it would all be over. But nothing.
I leave it until the twenty-seventh, and then I text her.
Me: How are you doing?
