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But of course it’s not. Until we slept together, she hadn’t done anything to suggest she was interested in me except mess up the fucking Rubik’s Cube. And then I seduced her, and made her cheat on her partner, and now I’m making her life a misery, hounding her while she tries to stay loyal and faithful like any good partner should.
#PityPartyAndYou’reNotInvited.
I wonder what she’s doing right now?
I mustn’t contact her. I’ve already ruined my own family’s Christmas Day; I can’t ruin hers too.
I have another whisky instead.
Then one more.
The sun’s going down, and I’m more than a little drunk by the time I text her.
Juliette, I miss you, I yearn for you, I burn for you, I can’t stop thinking about you, I know I shouldn’t message you, I know I should leave you alone, but I can’t, you’re in my heart, my body, my soul, you’re haunting me, every time I close my eyes I can see you, your skin, your hair, your eyes, I can taste you, I remember what it was like to be inside you, to hear you say my name when you came, I love you, I want you, I need you.
I type the last word and press send, not giving myself time to think.
Then I throw my phone on the table and reach for the whisky bottle again.
Chapter Fourteen
Juliette
“Nice earrings,” says Cam’s mum, Kathy.
I touch the diamond lotus flowers in my ears. “Thank you.”
“Where did you get them?”
“We had a Secret Santa at work, and someone bought me these. I think they’re only cubic zirconia, but they’re really pretty.”
“They are,” she agrees. “Would you like another glass of wine?”
“No, thank you.”
“Well you’re a cheap date this Christmas,” she jokes, because I only had the one glass with my dinner.
“I’ve got a bit of a headache,” I admit.
“I’m not surprised,” she says, glancing with amusement at her husband and sons. They’re playing Call of Duty on the PlayStation, and they’re accompanying the firing of the guns and the commands of the soldiers with their own ramped-up yelling and laughing.
“Still,” she says, “they’re having a good time.”
I glance at Cam, who looks the most relaxed I’ve seen him in months. Today, he’s happy, here with his family, unplagued by the fears and doubts that normally shadow his thoughts.
I’m getting through the hours as well as I can. Kathy’s nice enough, but she suffers from depression that’s not well managed, and when it’s bad she struggles even to get out of bed. Today she’s bubbly enough, but I know that when her boys leave she’s going to crash and be unable to do even the most basic tasks, and I’m not looking forward to that.
Alan and Peter’s wives seem unfazed by the fact that their husbands have regressed to fourteen-year-olds, and they’re sitting together, talking about some soap opera they both watch. Both of them are pregnant, and they talk incessantly about babies, making no effort at all to draw me into the conversation.
Normally I wouldn’t care. I’d read a book, or talk to Kathy, relaxed enough in my own skin not to mind that I don’t feel like a part of this family. But today I feel agitated and unhappy. I miss my friends—Alex, James, Tyson, Gaby, and Aroha. And I miss Henry. Oh God, Henry.
I’m not resentful because Cam and the boys are playing video games—all the guys I know have consoles and play regularly—I often play with them, for God’s sake! But my friends are all educated, and they have a great sense of humor. They’re constantly making clever jokes, and I’m always in stitches when we play.
I know how snobbish that sounds, but I can’t help it. Peter is also a delivery driver, and Alan works in a hardware store. I shouldn’t mock them—they have jobs, and I’m sure they work hard. But we played Trivial Pursuit once, and the only questions they came remotely close to getting right were in the sports category, and then only the most recent ones. They have no idea about or interest in other countries, other cultures, politics, or the arts. In fact they laugh at people who enjoy classical music or art history or literature.
Cam is different in that he did go to university, and he’s an accountant, so he’s pretty smart, but when he gets with his brothers, who are both older than him, he reverts to their childhood relationship and joins in with their mocking until I want to scream.
I think of the trivia night and what fun we had once Cam and Cassie left. About how we bickered about the answers, and all the jokes we told. Cam hates our banter, and thinks the guys are elitist and trying to shut him out. They’re not, because they’re all decent, kind men who’ve done their best to welcome him into our group of friends, but Cam has shut himself out, then complains when he can only look in from the outside.
