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But I know her well enough to understand that faith is different from religion, and this is going to evoke all kinds of moral questions that won’t be easy to answer.
I cover my face with my hands, then run them through my hair. “I’m such a fucking idiot.”
He tips his head to the side. “So you would consider being with her now, if she wanted to be with you?”
I look away, out at a plane that has just landed and is taxiing to the gate. “It’s not the perfect situation. She’ll never be free of Cam if she’s pregnant with his baby, and he’ll continue to be a fucking thorn in my side. But it’s done. And if I want her, I guess I need to accept his baby, too.”
“Maybe the best way to think about it is that it’s her baby,” Tyson suggests.
I look back at him. “Yeah, maybe.” It’s not the baby’s fault that this is happening. The child is innocent, free of sin, and deserves the best start in life it can possibly have.
Is that with me? Is that really the best option for it? Or would growing up with Cam be better? I think of James, who’s adopting Leia, because he insists she deserves better than her birth father. I happen to agree with him, but is it really his decision to make? To take the choice away from Leia’s birth father?
“Having one daddy is great,” Tyson says. “So having two must be double great, right?”
“I don’t know how Cam would feel about the baby calling me Daddy.”
“True. Maybe you’ll just be Henry. Either way, you’d be the one who got to live with Juliette, and who’d be there looking after the kid day in, day out. Cam would be in Australia. It’d be hard for him to be too much of a pain in the arse if he was over there.”
Privately, I think he could still manage to cause trouble even if he moved to Venus, but I don’t say so. If I want this to work, I’d have to find a way to work with him, and for us to at least be civil toward one another.
He’d obviously play a major part in the baby’s life. Juliette would have to consult with him about all the major decisions like health and education. And what if his opinion was different from mine? I can foresee all kinds of pitfalls, with Cam doing his best to make it as difficult as possible. He’s that kind of guy—jealous and vindictive—and it would be impossible for it not to turn into a war.
Do I have the stomach for that?
These are the questions that Juliette must be asking herself. We all like to think that love conquers all, but there’s so much more to this than who loves whom the most. For her there’s the added weight of duty and responsibility. For Cam there’s revenge and control. And all I feel is a kind of hopeless impotence, because once again everything seems to be out of my hands.
I wish she were pregnant with my child. I wish I could do that for her. But I can’t. And at least this takes away the problem of sperm donors and adoption. The baby is half hers. That’s the best I’m going to get.
I look outside, to where it’s starting to rain, pattering on the windows.
Juliette. She might not even have me now. I fucked up by reacting badly, and she might decide she’s better off alone.
I need to get back and talk to her. Until then, I’ll just have to be patient, and hope that she’s strong enough to cope on her own, without going back to him.
*
Because you have to be at the airport three hours before an international flight, and we didn’t want to leave the conference until after lunch, our plane leaves at seven p.m. It would have been easier to fly out on Sunday, but both of us wanted to get home as soon as possible, so we had to put up with the late time. The flight is three hours, but Sydney is two hours behind Wellington, so it’s midnight before it lands, and nearly one a.m. before I actually get home.
There’s still no message from Juliette. I do have one missed call from Rangi, but it’s too late to call him back now. I’m tired from the trip and the energy I had to summon for the presentation, and I go straight to bed and crash out.
Next morning, I text Alex, who’s away with James, witnessing his marriage to Aroha, and let him know that it went well, then I try to call Juliette again. It goes to voicemail. Frustrated, I’m considering calling Gaby to demand to know which hotel she’s at when my phone goes. Expecting to see Juliette’s name, I experience a leap of the heart, which plummets again when I realize it’s my brother, Philip.
“Hello?” I say.
“It’s me,” he replies.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“What are you doing right now?” he asks. “Can you come over?”
I frown. “Why, what’s the matter?”
“It’s Rangi.”
I get to my feet and go over to the window, my pulse picking up. “What’s happened?”
“He took an overdose last night.”
