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But he didn’t say anything about the baby, or tell me he still wants to be with me. All he said was that he’ll always be there for me, and while that’s sweet, it’s not enough.
She sighs, then leans back as the waitress delivers her coffee. “Thanks.” She adds a sweetener and stirs it. “Tyson didn’t mention that.”
“I doubt Henry told him. I don’t think he’s proud of his opinion. When he was talking about James adopting Leia, he said, ‘He’s a bigger man than I am.’”
“You’ve spoken to him about his infertility?”
“Yes, we talked about IVF. He said he’d do it, but I could tell he was just saying what I wanted to hear. And he definitely didn’t want to use a sperm donor. I think those two years of trying with Shaz killed any desire he had for kids. And I really want children. He was so angry when I told him I was pregnant. Not at me, but at the situation. I think for him, it was all over as soon as I told him. He said, ‘I hope you’ll be very happy,’ and hung up.”
“I’m so sorry.”
I sigh. “Ever since the trivia night I’ve been torn between the two of them, but that choice has gone now. Unless…” I sip my coffee. “I’ve been thinking about terminating the pregnancy.”
She stares at me, and we study each other for a long moment.
“So you can be with Henry?” she asks eventually.
I lean on the table and put my face in my hands. “Don’t say it like that. It sounds so fucking callous. But if it’s the only way I can be with him… Ah jeez…”
“You can’t do it for Henry,” she says. “You’ll never forgive yourself if you do it for that reason, and even if he doesn’t want the baby, it’ll always be between you.”
“I know.” I blink away tears and lower my hands. “You think I should keep it?”
“Ah… Juliette…” She takes my hands in hers. “You shouldn’t ask me.”
“I am asking you, though. I want to know what you think.”
“Well, Tyson and I are trying to have a baby, and we’re not sure if he can have kids yet, so I’m the wrong person to ask. A baby seems like a beautiful gift to me, no matter who the father is. But our situations are very different. I’m married, with a loving husband. And I think it’s a bad idea to stay with Cam for the baby.”
I nod slowly. “I agree. But the only other alternative is to have it on my own, and…” I pause, not sure how to voice my frustration. “I know it sounds pathetic—there are loads of single mums out there who bring up kids on their own without any problems at all. But I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“Being pregnant, to start with. I don’t know anything about pregnancy, or childbirth. And of having to bring up the child on my own. I’m terrified.”
“Aw, you’d have me, and Missie, and Aroha, and your mum to help.”
“Yes, that’s true. But…” I swallow hard. “Having Cam’s baby is going to tie me to him, even if we don’t live together. And I keep thinking about how hard it’ll be. He’s not a bad guy, and I’m sure he’ll be a good dad, but he’s such a narcissist. Everything is about him, and I can just foresee so many issues, trying to get him to pull his weight financially and with his time. It’s going to be a constant battle, and I don’t know if I’ve got the strength for it. In many ways, it would be easier to stay together, you know?”
“I can see what you mean.”
“I know that’s wrong though. Of course it is. So the only other option is to have an abortion. And then I feel bad because it’s not the baby’s fault, and I think about you and women like you who struggle to get pregnant, and then I feel terrible.”
“Oh God, don’t think like that.”
“It’s impossible not to.” I press my fingers to my lips, trying not to cry. “It’s such a fucked-up situation. We came so close to making it. Henry wanted me to leave Cam, and I think if I’d done it earlier, and we’d spent some time together, he might have been open to the idea of bringing up the baby as his own. But now he’s actually said he wouldn’t want to bring up another guy’s child. I think I’ve sort of been spoiled for him.”
And then I do cry, silent tears that Gaby tries to mop up with serviettes, and she can’t think of anything to say to comfort me, because what is there to say? I don’t want to be with Cam, and I’m too scared to have the baby on my own, and the only way to be with Henry is to terminate the pregnancy, and Gaby’s right—I can’t do that just to get him, because I’ll never forgive myself. I’m just going around and around the maze, trying to find my way out, and I can’t, because all the exits are blocked.
What the hell am I going to do?
Chapter Twenty-Six
Henry
Despite the way my personal life is collapsing around my ears, as usual I have no problems with my professional life, and on Saturday the conference goes swimmingly. Tyson and I make a good double act, providing just enough humor to warm the audience, while being knowledgeable enough to convince them we know what we’re talking about. Tyson gives a moving talk about his own experience, and I keep them captivated as I show footage of MAX and THOR, our exoskeletons, and show interviews with those whose lives we’ve changed.
After our presentation, during lunch, we talk to health professionals and industry experts, and we exchange business cards and come away with lots of exciting contacts.
