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“You don’t understand, Asti. I saw freedom. I saw it and it made me happy. I am circling the drain. I will end up like Papa if I stay like this. Four more years? I will be mad by then!”
Our father was a complicated man. He struggled to maintain normalcy and keep himself together. He had always been eccentric, but my grandmother’s controlling behaviour and constant shaming of his differences made him spiral out of control. Then, when he needed help grieving the loss of our mother, she stowed him away in a country house. He wasn’t seen for two years. And then, we lost him. We never got a chance to say goodbye. It was heartbreaking. I knew she would relish doing the same to me.
“What can you do then?”
“I can meet him.”
“What if she changes the rules?”
“I will only become engaged if she makes a formal proclamation about the regency ending? I don’t know. I didn’t get into it because it sounds ridiculous. In our world, who does this?”
“Royals. Just royals. It’s backwards and fucked up.”
I looked at Astrid. Her pretty face was twisted. All Astrid wanted in this world was to be free. She was a wild spirit. She could be an unbridled force for good left to her own devices.
“I admire you so much,” I said, tears welling. “You remind me every day of Mamma. It is heartbreaking to think how much she would have adored you, too. But… I know it. And… I only want for you and the girls to be happy.”
“You shouldn’t sacrifice your happiness, Alex!”
“It’s my lot. I was born first, Asti. It’s the way it was always meant to go. I can do some good or I can hurt you all. What would you have me do? Besides, Mamma and Papa began this way. Celeste said so. They eventually fell in love. Mamma loved Papa like the moon and stars, and he didn’t want to live without her. Maybe it is for the best after all?”
“Do you really believe that?”
“If you were able to go to school abroad and study whatever you wanted, wouldn’t you?” I asked. “If I could give you that…”
“I could never ask you to! God, I couldn’t?—”
“Stop!” I shook my head. “Just stop. I must make this choice for myself.”
“I’m not going to say anymore, but I think it’s stupid!” Astrid popped up. “Do you want to watch a movie?”
“No, I think I’m going to go take a walk.”
I stood up and walked down a long hallway, opposite our TV room. I stopped before the door to Celeste’s sitting room. She had the best quarters in the house, while I remained in my childhood bedroom. I was announced. I entered and remained standing.
“Yes, have you thought better about our conversation?” Celeste asked.
“Possibly. If I do this, I expect you to proclaim an end to the regency before my engagement. Then, you can ask parliament to dissolve it just before the wedding. I need that assurance.”
She shrugged. “Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.”
“I also want you to assure me the girls will be free. They will report to me.”
“I cannot guarantee?—”
“I will only do this if you comply. I will marry a man of your choosing—quietly and meekly do so if you promise me this.”
“I will promise you this,” she said. “But really, you won’t need that. You will be queen in your own right. It will be up to you and your husband to make those calls.”
She was right. If I could make this work, everyone would get what they wanted. If I could tolerate being married to a man for a few years, having a baby or two, and existing with my freedom, my sisters could have much better lives. Celeste was still running a grift. When wasn’t she? This time, it might benefit all of us for me to play along.
Six
Rick
My father summoned me to dinner at the palace. I had a swanky condo overlooking the sea and rarely came by unless my presence was requested. Attendance was never optional, of course. When my father rang, we came. My brother was still on his honeymoon—lucky bastard—and got out of it.
“How are you?” Mamma asked.
