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Right?
Even though my body is sated mush, my mind whirls and my sleep is restlessly filled with delusions of pain and heartbreak. It’s a prison of fear I can’t escape.
I want to trust Crosby. I love him.
But it’s hard to do when your heart and future is on the line. I don’t know if I can picture a future without him in it anymore.
He’s ruined me.
Let’s hope he doesn’t destroy me as well.
CHAPTER 19
APOSTLE
For the last couple of days, I’ve spent my days at the clubhouse. Not only have I been helping to get the females we helped situated, but I’ve been making plans with the inner circle about how we’re going to deal with the rest of the RRMC. They’re going to be scrambling for leadership.
Again.
But then what happens?
We can ignore them for a little while, but it’s possible that they’ll come back again. The whole fucking club are kind of like cockroaches in that regard.
We’ll need to be prepared and this time we’ll stop anything before it gets going. We can’t risk any more women being caught in their trap. The guilt is already weighing down my brothers as it is.
After being so focused on the club and what it needs from me, one of the only things I’ve looked forward to is going home to Sioux.
She’s my solace and I hate how I’ve been bringing home the darkness from what we’re dealing with as a club. It’s hard, sometimes, to focus on my woman, when I know that there is still more work to do.
The only other good thing I’ve experienced over the last few days is that I’ve mended Tara’s feelings after my reaction to her asking about being an angel. I want to help her, and I really do think that she would be ignoring what needs to heal if she became an angel. The only good thing about it is that we could continue to help her out and keep an eye on her.
My brothers seem concerned about me. When we met up in the shed this morning for the second session with our guest, they were eyeing me with wariness and curiosity. It put me instantly on edge.
I barked, “What?”
Prodigal and Scythe shared a look, one that had me grinding my teeth together. I didn’t like it at all.
Prodigal was the one who stepped forward while we stood in the shed on the floor above where we kept our extra special guests. The underground nature of our torture cells helped to keep it hidden and gave us a layer of protection that we didn’t need all that often. But when we did, it was key.
“We’ve noticed that you’ve gotten close to Tara,” Prodigal had questions in his eyes, but he wasn’t accusing me of anything. Not really.
“Yeah? And?” I felt defiance and defensiveness rush through me. “She needs our help and that’s all I’m doing,” I insisted.
“It looks like more, brother,” Scythe was the one who piped up next and I cut my eyes toward him.
“It’s not more. I want to help her. I get what it’s like to feel lost after losing your parents and she’s more comfortable with me because I’m the one who carried her out of that room,” I snarl.
Prodigal held up his hands and assured me, “I know you want to help her. But I think she wants more.”
“She asked me about being an angel,” Lucifer added, and I spun around to look at him.
“You said no, right?”
He scoffed, “Of course. We don’t allow drug addicts to be angels and right now, since she’s refusing treatment of any kind, I’m still considering her an addict. She won’t even go to the clinic to get tested. Everyone else was eager to do it,” he adds on.
I stood there, stunned, and unsure of what to say. “Look,” I tried to reason with them, torn between my loyalty to the club and the hope I had that Tara could get her life back on track, “I’m sure she’s just scared. Give her a little time and I’m sure she’ll come around.” The looks on my brother’s faces told me that they weren’t quite so sure. I sighed, “I’ll talk to her.”
“I think that’s a mistake,” Prodigal’s voice was firm, but I wasn’t going to let him deter me from what I knew as right.
