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I’m a big ball of nerves as I wait for Apostle to come home. Once he’s here, I’ll have my Crosby back. It’s strange to have a man in my life who is like two different people, but I understand the need for it. When he’s the club brother, when he’s Apostle, he’s strong and stoic with barely restrained violence running through him.
When he’s my Crosby, he can be vulnerable and sweet. He can be everything I need him to be.
I don’t know why it took me so long to differentiate between the two. But the reality is that both sides live inside of one man, a man I know I love.
When I spoke with him this afternoon, I could hear the regret in his voice, but also his resolve. I could have chosen to be petty or to try and make him feel guilty for needing to do something for the club, but then I wouldn’t be accepting part of who he is. And I love all of him.
It was obvious that he wanted to tell me that he loves me, but I didn’t want to hear it over the phone. When we exchange those words, I want to be able to look into his dark eyes. I want to be able to wrap my arms around him and hold him close.
I want to be able to kiss his lips.
So, I didn’t let him say the words, but I let him know I knew how he felt.
We’ll say them when we’re ready and not before.
As long as he comes home to me.
My gut clenches painfully. I wasn’t able to eat and now hunger and nerves are competing in the pit of my stomach. He probably won’t be happy with me when he finds out that I didn’t eat considering how he’s always trying to take care of me.
But the thought of eating something makes me nauseated.
Maybe when he gets home, I’ll be able to make sure he’s eaten something as well. I look at the time on my phone, again, and let out a soft groan.
It’s late, far too late for me to be awake and be somewhat coherent tomorrow. But I know that if I go and lay down, I won’t be able to sleep. There’s no point in even trying.
I gaze at the flowers on the coffee table in front of me. They make me feel a little bit closer to him even though I know it’s silly. Maybe I should have gone to the compound. At least then I would have been there when he got back from whatever the club is doing.
Is it just him? How much backup does he have? Is he safe?
I shake my head to dispel the thoughts of something horrible happening to him. I refuse to manifest that kind of shit. Not now, not ever.
He will come home to me. He will be in one piece.
Anything less is unacceptable.
When Wrenley called me earlier, I could hear the worry in her voice, “Do you know what they’re up to tonight?”
I shook my head even though she couldn’t see me. My voice was a little flat, “Club business.”
Wrenley sighed, “Yeah, I don’t know either.” She paused and I could feel her gathering herself. “I love Reid with everything me, but the hardest part about loving him is sometimes not knowing what he’s doing under the guise of club business.”
That had me straightening my back. “Do you think he’s doing something that would jeopardize your relationship?”
My heart sank as I said the words. I didn’t want to believe such a thing. Hell, I didn’t even want to think such a thing. For her sake.
And mine.
“No,” Wrenley barked out a laugh, “he would never do that, and Lucifer would never ask him to. I just know that sometimes what they’re doing is dangerous. I’m always afraid that when they come back that he won’t be with them.”
I swallowed hard, but it wasn’t enough to wet my dry throat and mouth. “I know,” I whispered, not wanting to admit my own fears louder than I already was.
“I know you do,” there was compassion and understanding in her voice. “I guess that is the price we have to pay to love men who are as fierce and loyal as ours. They are good men and have their own moral code,” she mused.
“They are, but that won’t protect them from a bullet,” I sighed and instantly regretted my words. “I’m sorry,” I blurted, “don’t stress out because I said that. Stress isn’t good for the baby.”
Instead of being pissed at me, which she could have been, Wrenley laughed. “You didn’t say anything I haven’t thought myself,” she assured me.
Some of the tension eased from my shoulders, but not nearly enough. Talking to my best friend helped, but the waiting felt like it stretched before me without an end in sight.
