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“What the fuck?”
“Yeah, that was my thought as well. I was devastated and blindsided. I felt like he betrayed my mom and even though he swears that nothing was going on while she was still alive, it just didn’t make sense to me.”
“Do you believe him?”
She chews her lip. “I do, even if it sounds like I’m just in denial. I don’t think he would do that. He said he’d never been alone like that; he’d always had my mom, and the nurse, Tina, had lost her husband in the last year so she could relate. When I lost Carson, I didn’t react that same way. I didn’t run into someone else’s arms so to me, it didn’t make sense. I do realize that he and my mom were together for decades and that it’s more normal than I realized when someone loses their spouse of many years.”
“How are things between you now?”
“Better. It’s not the same but we’re working on it. I sent him a postcard from Paris and I told him I would call him when I get back from here. I have yet to go to Florida and see his new place. I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”
“I can understand that.”
“Does that make me selfish?”
“No, not at all. That makes you human.”
It feels strange to share this moment with someone. A moment where we’re both so vulnerable, sharing things that we don’t share with anyone else. Especially since we’ve only known one another for a short period. I wonder if she feels what I feel. I wonder if she’s running from her feelings of losing her fiancé and using me as shelter from them. It’s a thought that makes my stomach turn.
“Hey, what are you thinking?” She places her hands on either side of my face.
“Nothing.” The guilt of my growing feelings for her starts to rear its ugly head, a new feeling on its heels… resentment. Will I grow to resent Daphne for replacing Mira? Is that what I’m trying to do, replace her? I know it doesn’t make sense, but my brain won’t let me get around the thought.
“That doesn’t sound very convincing.” She’s staring at me, waiting for a response that I don’t give. “Did I say something? Is this because of Mirabelle?”
“What?” My eyes snap to hers. “Why the fuck would you bring her up?” My tone instantly grows sharp, making her flinch.
“I-I just thought since we were talking about our past and?—”
“Did I mention her at all? No.” I stand up, moving her off me. “She is none of your business and I’m not interested in discussing her with you.” I hate that I’m reacting this way but it’s like I can’t stop it.
“But you can mention my fiancé?”
“When did I mention him?” I almost spit the word him.
“Yesterday, you said you didn’t know I had a fiancé after I told your parents about him. I’m not trying to pry about your late wife; I was simply asking if your instant mood change had something to do with her, if I said something wrong that offended you.”
“Can we just drop it? I’m really not interested in bonding with you over the fact we both lost someone.”
“Fine.” She sits back down, crossing her arms over her chest and looking out into the vast darkness.
“I didn’t mean to offend you,” I soften my tone, “it’s just that there’s a difference between losing your wife and losing a fiancé.”
“Excuse me?” She turns to look at me, her scowl deeper than before. “How is that not offensive?”
“Because it’s not the same, Daphne. We were married for several years; we have a child together.” I don’t know what point I’m trying to prove here but I’m only digging a deeper hole.
“So what, our love wasn’t as ‘real’ as yours because we didn’t have a legal document saying so or a child? That is absolute bullshit!” She stands up, pointing her finger at me, tears pricking her eyes.
“I’m just being honest about how I feel,” I say, attempting to defend myself even though she’s right. This is bullshit and coming from a place of anger and frustration with myself. Frustration because I can’t just admit to myself that I’m falling in love with this woman. Frustration at the fact that more than likely, her love with Carson was more real than mine with Mira.
“You know what,” she says, shaking her head, “I hate hearing that. Masking cruelness in the name of honesty is such a cop-out. I’m going to bed. Good night.” She turns on her heel and walks down the deck as I hang my head in shame.
I step toward the edge of the deck, grasping the railing. I look up at the inky sky filled with twinkling stars, my heart feeling like it’s about to rip through my chest. I’m terrified. Terrified that I won’t know how to be there for Daphne the same way I didn’t know how to be there for Mira.
“I’m tired of fighting for your leftover attention, Wes. I’m tired of begging for scraps of your time. I feel like I’m merely a pretty object in your life that you can pull down from the shelf when you need it. I feel like I’m on the outside of your life looking in. I’m supposed to be your partner and I’m not. I’m just a prop.”
I remember one of the last fights we had before she got sick. She begged me to try harder. She told me that she was falling out of love with me and I could see that she was falling in love with someone else.
