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He points to himself. “Me. I ruined it. When I left, she had to go get a job that paid well and had benefits. She wanted to show you that she could do it on her own; she wanted to support you two. That’s why she started the trust, to put the alimony and child support in it for you someday.”
I feel my heart break for her. I had no idea.
“She didn’t want you to know because she worried you would think it was your fault that she went back into finance.” He grabs my hand again. “On the same vein of sharing secrets, something you don’t know is your mother and I made up in the years leading up to her death.”
I jerk my head up. “What?”
“She and I were good friends, always were better friends than spouses. She reached out and told me that she was dying and she wanted me to promise her that I would fix things with you, no matter the cost.”
“Why didn’t she tell me?”
“She was worried you’d be hurt or angry at her for forgiving me for what I did to you both. She said you weren’t ready to forgive me yet and she didn’t want to force you into it because she was dying.”
I feel so confused and sad. So many things I’m finding out about my mom that I just wish I could sit and talk with her about.
“You know she still made me take her out in my Porsche with the top down just like we did today down Lake Shore. She’d smile and close her eyes, holding her hands up in the air like she was flying.”
I watch as a single tear slides down my dad’s face as he describes the scene. He looks out over the lake, and I know that he has so many unsaid things, so many unfinished memories with her… so many regrets.
“If you could do it all over or if you could have Mom back for one day, what would you say to her?”
He looks at me, then back to the water.
“I’d tell her I’m sorry. I’d tell her that she was an amazing woman who deserved the world and I failed her. I’d tell her that she raised an amazing woman and that she should be damn proud of who you are. I’d tell her all those little things I held back, all those times she looked nice or made me laugh or made me happy.”
He scoots back and sits right beside me, sliding his arm around my shoulders and bringing me closer. I rest my head on his shoulder.
“I’m not a good example, Brontë, but one thing I can tell you, don’t live life with regrets. Tell the person you love them. Say the thing you’re too scared to say. Go after the goals and dreams you think you can’t accomplish or don’t deserve or can’t make work because at the end of this life, you don’t want to be left holding on to the what-ifs. They’ll just be a pile of regret weighing you down.”
I don’t know what I expected today or how I expected our conversation to go, but it was nothing like this. I feel closer to my dad, more than ever. We pack up our lunch and take the final drive to Mom’s grave just north of the city.
When we finally pull back into my dad’s driveway and shut the car off, he reaches over and squeezes my knee again.
“Promise me something, B?”
“Yeah?”
“From here on out, let’s be open and honest with each other, okay? Nothing will come between us ever again.”
Chapter 20
Beckham
I stare down at the third tumbler of whiskey in my hand.
Rain pelts the windows of my living room as I slump down in my chair, looking out over the city. The lights look fuzzy from the droplets hitting the windows and running down the glass into each other.
I wonder where Brontë is. What she’s doing. If she’s smiling and laughing through the pain or if she’s a complete wreck like me. Her words about getting a paternity test have been swimming through my mind all day.
I wish I had a father in a situation like this. One I could call and explain everything to. One who wouldn’t judge or condemn but listen and offer me advice man to man, even if it’s the kind of advice I don’t want to hear.
The Elvis record I’ve had on repeat all night begins to skip and I walk over to change it, opting for Ray Charles’ Genius + Soul=Jazz album.
My phone buzzes in my pocket and I pull it out to see that my lawyer, Alton Feldstein, is calling me. I slide the answer button across the screen.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Beckham. Sorry to call so late but I wanted to let you know that we got the approval to move forward with purchasing the lot next to the Archer Foundation. Figured you’d want to hear the good news as soon as possible.”
