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“How’s Chicago?” Linda butted in. I could practically see the years of practice with this dynamic. Scott said something backhanded to Tommy, and Linda would jump in to redirect the conversation, smoothing out the rough edges.
“Colder than California.” Tommy gave me a shy smile. “But the pizza’s good.”
I ducked my head again. He was only doing this to help sell our relationship. There was nothing else to the way he shared a conspiratorial smile with me. When I glanced back over at Tommy, I noticed he was still looking at me. The look in his eyes made a warmth grow within me. It was like I actually meant something to him. Linda and Scott went to grab the condiments and toppings for the burgers, leaving the two of us alone.
“Your parents are nice.”
“My mom definitely is,” Tommy agreed as he leaned back in his chair. “My dad not as much.”
“I’m sure he loves you.”
“He doesn’t know how to have a relationship with me outside of baseball.” Tommy’s hands rubbed at the arms of his chair as he stared out toward the ocean.
His childhood home backed up to the beach, and they had a private walkway that led right to the ocean. It was the complete opposite of my apartment that sat on an alleyway of some office building that had been built after developers came through and bought up a bunch of older properties to tear down. I could imagine a young Tommy running on the beach as he worked to sharpen his body for college. I remembered the pictures on his social media page of him surfing and wondered if some of those pictures had been captured here.
It was an odd feeling to suddenly have someone come into your life and to find yourself wanting to know everything about them. Tommy continued to stare out at the ocean, a far-off look on his face. He was still deep in thought and nowhere near our current conversation.
“Are you excited to play against your old team tomorrow?” I was starting to pick up on Tommy’s signs, and right now, his body language was telling me he’d rather not continue talking about his dad.
“Honestly, I’m not.” Tommy turned his whole attention toward me then, and I could see a tortured look in his eyes. “It feels like a reminder of how badly I fucked up.”
I could imagine the battle that was waging within him. He was having to play against his old team with teammates that knew him as someone he previously was and for the mistakes he had made. Even if he had changed, his previous indiscretions were still on the minds of the fans there. It was eating Tommy up, that much could be seen in the lack of a smile on his face. He looked sad.
“Everybody messes up, Tommy. That part doesn’t matter because you can’t change it.” I reached over and took his hand in mine, watching his eyes drift down to stare at them. “The only thing that matters is if you let it define you.”
Tommy turned his hand upward so his fingers laced with mine. My own eyes dropped to our joined hands. An energy that only he and I could feel seemed to electrify the air around us. It was magnetic as the two of us looked up from our hands to stare at each other, both of us seeming to acknowledge whatever was happening between us. The air grew heavier as Tommy’s eyes slipped to my lips and the warmth that had grown within me from the moment that we had shared that conspiratorial smile morphed into a bonfire. I glanced at Tommy’s lips and wondered what they would feel like pressed against mine.
“Dinner’s ready!” Linda came through the back door with plates of burgers and toppings in her hands. I dropped Tommy’s hand like it had burned me and sat back in my chair, trying to put as much space between us as possible. Tommy stared at where our hands were for a second longer before he stood up to help his mother with the food.
My hand drifted up to press against my lips as I realized I hadn’t thought about Luke that entire time. There wasn’t an ounce of guilt within me from thinking about someone else. Instead, that warmth from before felt like glowing coals as I watched Tommy help his mom plate the food.
Tommy
“Don’t forget that McDaniels probably has a scout on you.” My dad had yet to go five minutes over dinner without mentioning yet another thing that I already knew about the game tomorrow.
Dinner had been going relatively smoothly. Maggie and my mom seemed to be getting along really well. My mom asked Maggie about her family, and Maggie asked my mom for stories about me when I was younger. I groaned when my mom decided to tell her about the time I was learning to slide at a baseball camp when I was a kid. We were indoors, and they had us sliding into mats that were a couple of inches off the ground. My mom’s face lit up as she recalled my very first attempt at sliding. My foot caught on the lip of the mat, sending me flying face-first into the pile of mats in front of me. I remember feeling so embarrassed as I looked up to see the college players trying to hold back their smiles. I could laugh about it now, but at the time, I refused to go back to any camps at that college. I had been thoroughly mortified.
Maggie laughed at the image of me as a little kid, gangly and uncoordinated. I watched as she threw her head back, letting out a throaty laugh that made a bubble of heat grow in the bottom of my stomach. I couldn’t take my eyes off her all dinner. It excited me how easily she fit in with my family. However, my time admiring the amazing girl across from me was tainted by a short comment my dad felt like he needed to make. Every one of them revolved around baseball. He hadn’t even bothered to ask me about how I liked Chicago. Or even if I had made any friends with my teammates. Every comment was centered around me and the game. It took everything in me to stay civil at the dinner table. I knew I needed to—not only for my mom’s sake, but for Maggie’s. I didn’t want her to see how ugly my relationship with my dad really was.
“Thanks, Dad,” I told him after finishing off the rest of my water. My dad was nursing a beer and a small part of me ached to grab one from the fridge and down it, but I had promised myself I would do better. That included taking a break from alcohol. So I was out of luck and liquid courage for this conversation.
“Have you gone over the spray charts I emailed you last week on their lineup? Those will help you with positioning on the field.” Anger began to boil inside me. I could feel both my mom’s and Maggie’s eyes on me as they waited for me to respond.
“How do you like your new place?” my mom cut in. I could drop to my knees in thankfulness for having her as my mom. She knew exactly when to switch the conversation before a nuclear explosion went off.
“I love it,” I told her. “I’m in Lincoln Park. It’s perfect. I love seeing all of the families on walks or people out jogging. It feels like somewhere I can grow into later. Maybe even start a family there.”
Maggie coughed, her hand flying up to her mouth. I raised an eyebrow at her in concern. She waved me off, trying to tell me that she was fine. If I knew any better, I would have guessed that I had caught her by surprise with that comment.
“I can’t wait to see it.” My mom reached across the table and squeezed my hand. “I am so proud of you. You’ve been doing so well.”
“If he’d been doing well, he wouldn’t be in Chicago right now,” my dad grumbled from his seat.
“Scott,” my mom hissed at him. My dad chugged the rest of his beer in response.
“Maggie, why don’t you help me clean up dinner?” My mom reached over and squeezed Maggie’s hand before standing up from the table. Maggie’s eyes remained glued to mine, concern etched across her face. It killed me that she had to see this part of my life. I didn’t want her to see the remnants of chaos my past life had caused. I had hoped my dad could get through one dinner without opening his mouth, but I guess that was too much to ask. I wanted Maggie to see the man I was trying to become, not the mistakes the former version of myself had made.
I had no idea why I had wanted her to come tonight. My mind had tried to convince me that it would be a great way to practice our relationship for when we were in public, but I knew that was a lie. I wanted to see her here, with my family, and imagine what it would be like if all of this was real.
