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“Millie, I know that—”
“It’s not that, Melissa. It’s complicated.”
“Well, when you wanna talk, promise me you will come to me?”
I smile weakly. “Of course.”
She stirs the batter in silence, to the point where it is almost awkward. “Look,” I say, getting up from the stool. “I won’t be here for long. I remember how much of a greedy bastard Hella is with you and I don’t want to intrude.”
“No!” Melissa quickly drops the mixing spoon and rounds the breakfast bar, wiping her hands on a paper towel. Shaking her head, she places her hands on my shoulders. “Don’t. We want you here. For as long as it takes. We can talk about more of that stuff once the boys get back.”
“Get back?” I question, taking a seat back on the barstool. “From where?”
I had assumed they were right behind us. I need to stop assuming things because things play out a lot differently than they usually do in this world.
“From Raze’s house,” she answers. “He’s hot.”
“Melissa?”
“Hmmm?”
“Don’t start, okay?”
“Okay.” She winks at me knowingly. She’s still semi the same. Good to know.
“What happened there anyway?” I ask, looking around the kitchen for alcohol. “I need a glass of wine or something.”
She stops pouring the batter and turns to face me. “Okay, sis, just how far gone are you?”
“Well…” I scoot off the stool and walk near her, opening up the drawers in the kitchen on my search. “I’ve been touched, rubbed, licked, sucked, and fucked, seven different ways on seven different occasions, until I was fucking blue in my face. I’ve dropped a molly, been so drunk off my face that I couldn’t see straight, and…” I pause, pulling out the bottle of red wine and a glass. Blowing the dust off the bottle and ignoring the silence from behind me, I continue, “Oh yeah! And I’ve had an orgy, and a threesome with two of the hottest guys I’ve ever laid eyes on, all while watching the guy I had teeny tiny feelings for have sex with one of his live-in whores right in front of me.” Twisting the cap off, I pour the wine into a glass and spin around to face Melissa who is so pale, I think I shocked her into silence for once in her life. I wave my hand around her face, bringing my glass to my lips. “Yoo-hoo? Earth to Melissa…”
“Holy fuck,” she gasps, gripping the kitchen counter until her knuckles turn white. “Okay, hang on…” She pauses, rubbing the back of her hand across her forehead. “Okay, before I go any further, did anyone rape you?”
Her eyes connect with mine and it’s like looking into a mirror of glass just before it’s about to shatter. I can almost hear the sound of cracking.
“No, Melissa,” I answer truthfully.
She exhales a strong shaky breath, her body bending over with her palms resting on her knees in relief. “Thank fucking god. Holy shit, I thought that was going to be quite a list of people for me to wipe out.”
“But that’s just it,” I answer, walking back to my stool. “I fucking liked it,” I whisper so hoarsely my throat tightens around my truthful words.
“Oh, honey.” She walks over to me, taking the bottle out of my hands and bringing it to her lips before she tips it and takes a long pull of the red bitter joy. “Is your soul punishing you because of your body?”
“That’s not it either.” I take it back from her and pour my glass to the rim.
“What is it then?” She quickly walks back to the pancakes and flips them briefly before turning them out onto a plate.
“It’s that I felt nothing. I mean, I cared about Miles and was obsessed with Raze. I fucked them both, but would still dream of nights where I wanted Raze’s head on a stick. Those feelings were very real, but they felt superficial at the time. Like I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. I felt anger and hurt and, fuck, I wanted to kill Cassia on more than one occasion, so those are all feelings, but!” I pause, taking a long breath and sucking down some more wine. “But I didn’t have any of the love I felt before. The love that is natural, the love I have for you,” I whisper. “Until you came, that is, and then I felt it. You splashed your color back into my very black and white world.”
“Holy shit,” she breathes out. “So what happened? With you and Raze? I mean what is actually going on?”
I begin to tell her about Raze—at least, the parts I know—but before anything can escape, my mouth slams shut. I don’t know why. I don’t owe him anything. I should pour out every single thing I know about Raze to Melissa. Hell, I should use Melissa and the club as a means to take Raze down. But I can’t, and that annoys me even more. Even though I want to, I can’t bring myself to snitch on Raze, even if it is to my sister.
Shaking my head, I finally answer, “I don’t know much. I was nothing to them.”
Her eyes remain on mine for another few seconds before she taps the counter. “Alright then, if you say so.”
I know she knows I’m hiding something, but I also know that Melissa respects loyalty in whatever form it comes in. I feel terrible, like I’ve chosen a side and I don’t want her to think that at all.
