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I don’t want her to worry about me, so I give her a bit of truth, not wanting to bog her down by thoughts that I’m sure will untangle the moment we win.
She isn’t distracting me. That’s silly. Tommy is wrong and Cory and Connor are my friends, just calling me out on my shit. It’s just a slump. Everything is fine.
“Yeah,” I say, running a hand through my hair. “We lost to them at home, so away…” I swallow, deciding last second to tell her something. “Coach said my head wasn’t in it at practice today and he was right.” Having the words off my shoulders feels good.
She looks at me for a moment before responding. “You’re going to do great, Sean.” Her tentative fingers stroke my arm. “You’re an amazing player.” She reassures me.
“I know.” I close my eyes, leaning into her touch. Something about having her near me gives me a sense of relief. “I just got to believe it.” And I need to believe that I’m not making the wrong decision investing in my personal life for the first time in my career. “I’m going to pack.” I gesture towards my room and leave Astrid with a small smile.
“Let me know if you need anything.” Her voice carries after me.
I breathe a sigh of relief as I close my bedroom door behind me. Shutting her out like this doesn’t feel good, and I hate how concerned she is for me. She doesn’t deserve to see me like this.
The sounds of packing echo through the rooms as I gather my belongings. The clatter of a suitcase being zipped shut punctuates the quiet, amplifying the gravity of the moment. I feel like this game somehow serves as an indictment for what will happen next.
Astrid moves through the house with a sense of purpose, her movements deliberate yet tinged with an underlying tension. I know that she’s trying to figure out if there’s more wrong than what I’ve admitted to.
I can tell by the way she lingers nearby. Never pushing me for more information, but rather staying close at all times, as if she excepts me to open up at any minute.
And suddenly I can’t wait to leave. The tension I’ve created is too much. It’s my fault. I know that I can’t keep up this lie much longer. Astrid has a way of getting the truth out of me. The longer I stay in this house the more likely she is to get me to admit to what Tommy really said.
In the midst of my preparations, Violet senses the shift in energy too. Her usual stoic demeanor is replaced by a quiet contemplation. Instead of coloring in the corner, or building her Legos by herself, she clings to Astrid, as if seeking reassurance. The impending separation weighs on my little family, and the house, once a sanctuary, now feels like a temporary refuge.
I’m bringing them down, and I can’t stay here while I do that to them.
“All right, I’m all packed. So uh, I’m going to head out.” I stand.
Violet rushes over to hug me and I lift her into my arms, hugging her tight.
“Be good for me while I’m gone, okay? Listen to Astrid.”
“Okay.” She says into my shoulder.
I hug her until her little arms pull back first, only then setting her down.
“Thank you, for everything,” I say, looking at Astrid. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”
She closes the distance between us in two steps and wraps her arms around my middle, burying her face into my chest and not letting go.
I stroke her back, hating myself for putting her through this. She deserves so much better.
“You’re going to do great, don’t be nervous,” she says eventually, still not letting me go.
I stroke her head, placing a kiss on the top of her hair. “Thank you,” I say.
“I’m going to watch you, okay. I will make sure that you win. Okay? I think that I’m good luck.”
That makes me laugh and I squeeze her tighter. “Alright lucky charm.” I rub her head.
She pushes back and fixes the tangles I’ve created, giving me a playful, dirty look.
“I’ll text you.”
“Okay.” She smiles but I can see the sadness in her eyes as she does so.
I hate that I’ve done this to her. I should’ve dealt with my shit in the car on the way home and presented myself as happy and carefree, the version of me that left this house this morning, the version that she deserves.
As I move towards the garage door, the symbolic threshold of departure, the tension doubles. Astrid watches me, I can feel it. And when I turn around, her expression is a blend of concern and affection. The unspoken understanding between us is palpable, a silent acknowledgment of the challenges that we both are about to face in my absence.
