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Fine by me. If I’m a mistake, that’s all she has to say.
I push down the anger that makes me feel. I’m not angry at her, I’m angry at embarrassing myself. This is exactly why I wasn’t supposed to get close.
The run stays heated despite the temperature dropping and the leaves around us turning yellow. Every time she looks back at me, I realize it’s just her way of letting me know that we’re about to run faster.
Harder.
By the end, this run becomes Astrid’s fastest two-mile time yet, and I have to leave for the arena, and neither of us talks about what happened yesterday.
“Hey,” I say as I try to catch my breath again. “You’re uh, you’re coming to the game tonight right? With Violet?” I feel a little nervous as I ask her.
“Yeah.” She puts her hands above her head. “I’ll pick her up from school and we’ll head over.”
“Okay, cool. There is that dinner after…” I let my sentence trail away. There is so much I want to say but don’t know how.
“Yeah, I’ll get us a snack before I bring her so that she doesn’t get hungry.”
Does she think I’m only interested in logistics? Or maybe that’s all she’s willing to discuss with me.
I swallow. “Right. So uh, I’ll see you then?”
“Yeah, I’ll see you tonight,” she says, not bothering to look at me as she walks away.
It’s a strange feeling. Knowing that the next time I’ll see her is tonight after the scrimmage at the arena.
As much as I want to forget everything that’s happened between us, I find myself constantly distracted by my thoughts of Astrid. How she felt against me. How soft her kiss was. How uncomfortable it all seemed to make her the day after.
I’m an asshole. I hire her and invite her into my home and now she probably feels… I don’t know. Taken advantage of? Used? It makes me sick to think that my actions have made her feel bad.
I’ve fucked everything up.
I need to fix this. I consider texting her throughout the day, but this seems like something a text message can’t fix at this point.
I try to put it away in my mind. If I can’t fix it now, there is no use beating myself up over it. I need to get ready for the game.
I’ll have time to make things better tonight. That is, if I don’t fuck up this game too.
There is a mental countdown until the scrimmage. I’m anxious all day, desperately waiting for the clock to move closer to the scrimmage start. And when it finally comes, I find myself looking for her in the arena. My entire warmup is spent looking around for a glimpse of her.
Fuck, what is happening to me?
I take some warm-up shots on the goal, feeling Coach watching me. I can’t fuck this up. But I can’t focus either.
And then I see her. Thank god. She came. She really came. I find her with ease the moment she walks down the steps, Violet’s hand in hers, to find their seats. Our eyes lock. I feel a tug in my chest. It is undeniable, we have a connection.
It’s like I’m always aware of where she is. Like I can feel her presence. Especially tonight. She looks so beautiful, wearing my jersey as if she’s been my support all along. She admitted to not being a hockey fan, so I know she bought that. And for some reason, that makes my heart beat harder.
Violet, of course, is wearing her own kid sized Daniels jersey she was given when I first got drafted. She gives me a big, happy wave, and I return it, making her jump up and down in place, tugging on Astrid’s hand and pointing right at me. It’s a strange feeling, seeing them smiling together in the stands.
My girls.
Shit. That came out of nowhere. I tamp it down, forcing myself to get my head on straight as I skate to center ice.
Scrimmages are an important part of preparing for the NHL season. Practice is tough, don’t get me wrong, but the speed difference between practice and a full-on game hits you like freight train if you’re not ready. These guys are some of the world’s best athletes. And when the ref drops the puck, you better be ready.
Cory takes center ice. Connor and I flank him on either side. When the whistle blows, we win the drop, Cory taking control down the center and evading right. He passes to me. I weave through their defense, taking it to the wall and crossing a pass back over to Cory, who passes it to Connor.
Connor skates down the boards, stopping short then maneuvering right as their defender blows past him, missing their mark.
