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I’m truly sorry that I hurt you by doing it, and that’s for you alone.
You’ll probably throw this in the trash along with the lunch Kip volunteered to bring to you - so I wouldn’t fuck it all up again - and that’s okay. Don’t take it out on him.
He reluctantly agreed to do this so he could check on you and make sure you were doing okay. He misses you and I know Knoxville does, too. Even if you don’t give me another chance, you should at least cut them some slack. He’s only ever had your best interest at heart and his son loves you. Hell, you’re the only mom that kid has ever known.
Hopefully, you enjoy your lunch.
Your Sorry Bastard,
Breakneck
Kip handed me a tissue and it was only then that I realized I’d been crying. “Damn him,” I muttered. “If he hadn’t included you and Knoxville in the end, I would have thrown it all away and now I can’t because for once, he wasn’t selfish.
Kip’s brow rose in surprise. “I have no clue what he wrote. I didn’t read it.” I handed the letter to him, but he shook his head. “Those words were meant for you alone, sweetheart.”
“I’m sorry for walking out on you and Knoxville.”
“Can’t say that I wasn’t disappointed, but I also understood. Wish like fuck Ash hadn’t caused her usual level of shit that day, otherwise…”
“Otherwise, you wouldn’t have needed me at the clubhouse, and I would have been left in the dark. I should thank her for not showing up for her son, as awful as that sounds.”
The look in Kip’s eyes told me he disagreed wholeheartedly. “I would have found out, and that’s not something I would have allowed Breakneck to keep from you. If he hadn’t told you himself, I would have. Need you to know that. My loyalty will always be to my club, but you were too important to me and Knox to lose because you didn’t trust me. I wouldn’t have lied for him.”
“He wants me to forgive what he did.”
“Do you think you can do that?”
“He’s asking for the wrong thing. Forgiveness and trust aren’t the same thing.”
“No, they’re not. Maybe one is the first step to finding the other, though?”
I shrugged. Of course, that was how it worked. Letting go of the hurt and the heartache he’d caused was a different story. His actions hadn’t just stolen him from my life, they took my newfound family, too. Granted, my reaction is what ultimately did that, but still, his actions had been the catalyst.
“Would you ever forgive Ashlynn for all the things she’s done?”
“That situation is a lot different. When we were a lot younger and dated, I thought she might be the girl who could heal my heart and be by my side. She proved me wrong then. I lost the woman I loved because I was too much of a fool to fight for who I wanted. When Scout and I had our troubles, Ash was convenient.” I winced and he nodded his head as if he knew it was as bad as it sounded.
“Should have never gone there when I did, especially because the anger I felt toward what happened with Scout was short-lived. Beyond that, it should have been aimed at myself, instead of me feeling the need to punish her with my actions. My anger and impatience pushed me to react stupidly. I can’t regret what happened as a result because my son isn’t something that I’d ever give up. Even if it meant that Scout and I were together with babies of our own, I couldn’t wish Knox away.” He swallowed, as if something about that idea made him sick.
“Never thought I’d admit that having a baby with another woman was so important, but it happened, you know?”
“I understand where you’re coming from. Knoxville is a treasure. He’s here. You can’t look back and wonder ‘what if’ without losing him in those scenarios. I get it, Kip.”
His eyes glimmered with moisture I knew he wouldn’t allow to fall. “I love Scout. Still, after all these years, after everything I’ve been through with Ash. I never stopped loving her and that’s why Ash hanging on the way she did, making the threats that she did, it was the worst mistake she could ever make.” His hands shook as he spoke.
“Ash thought trapping me would earn my love back or something. Nothing would ever make me fall in love with her - even if she had been the model wife and mother I hoped she would be. Not even having a son and marrying her could diminish the love I have for Scout. Even knowing she stayed at the club and has been with…” He couldn’t bring himself to say it. “I couldn’t be angry with her for that when I married someone else and had a child with another woman. It’s all so fucked and that’s the only reason I’m going to say this, so take it for what it’s worth.
“If you love him, and think you can forgive him someday, don’t waste the time you have. Shit happens when we’re busy being pissed off at the people we love. Sometimes, there’s no taking back what happens. It could change the course of your lives forever, and I’d hate for you to look back with so much regret the way I do.”
We sat quietly for a few minutes before he circled back to my original question. “So, whether I could forgive Ash or not, won’t factor into whether you think you could ever give that to my brother. He fucked up. It’s up to you to determine if that’s something you can forgive and move on from.”
“He warned me that he would cheat on me in the very beginning, but he swore that he would tell me before he allowed anything to happen. I just don’t understand why he never talked to me about what he wanted, needed, before he went there. We had an agreement, and he broke it.”
“Did you talk to him about what you needed?”
I shook my head. “It’s not like he gave me the chance. When I mentioned things could be better, he shut down and left me alone.”
Kip chuckled. “Yeah, I told you I wouldn’t lie for him. My brother’s a dipshit. He’s literally never had a real relationship before. Didn’t think he’d ever settle down after watching his father put his mother through the ringer for his whole childhood.” Kip realized I was about to argue with him and stopped me. “Not giving him an excuse for his behavior, just telling you how it was before you came around. It’s obvious he cared about you.”
