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nine
Olympia
Tav’s been gone for most of the week. Since the ball, things have been pretty tense between us. We haven't kissed, we haven't even touched. Not since that night.
I think maybe that's why things are tense. He hated it.
He did it, kissed me for the show. For the cameras.
I got lost in it, and he hated it.
When I think about that, even now, it burns. I hate that it burns, because even as it burns, even as the sting of that knowledge sears inside me, I can’t help that when I think about that kiss—when I pull up the pictures of us online and see myself cradled in his arms, his big body towering over mine, his mouth devouring mine—even though I know he hated it, I can’t help the feeling of pleasure that swells inside me. The want. The need.
Those feelings chase the sting of hurt, before I remind myself that he hated every moment of it, and the sting returns. It’s a cycle. A vicious, painful, degrading cycle.
It's probably a good thing that Tav has been working most of the week. If he'd been home, I’d have been tempted to ask him to kiss me again. And this time, not for cameras.
That wouldn't go over well.
I might not be experienced, but I know enough to know that much.
It’s also a good thing I'm used to being home alone. It's a good thing I'm accustomed to being housebound, as I was while living under Remira’s rule.
Being that I don't have a car, and Tav doesn't exactly live within walking distance to anything—not that I have money to burn—I can’t really go anywhere. It's not a big deal, though, because I am used to this. I’m used to being on my own.
Surprisingly, Tav doesn't have staff. He can afford it, but he doesn't have it. There is a sweet lady who pops in to clean and do his laundry on Tuesdays and Fridays. She’d been here this morning while I did my yoga in the backyard under the bright sun. I've never done yoga before, but anyone can learn anything online, and I've learned that I quite like it. It feels good to start my morning like this, outside, in the sun. It feels good to stretch and breathe. It's peaceful, and after the years I've had and the hurt I've endured—and now this with Tav—well, I need peace. Peace is important.
Besides, it's my mission to be happy and healthy.
Yoga is a positive direction on that mission.
I've also taken to spending time in his pool. A lot of time in his pool. With Tav never being home, I don't have to worry about him catching me in my bikini. I think if he did, he'd probably glare at me. He tends to glare at me no matter what I wear. So, I've told myself I don't care. He doesn't have to like my clothes. He doesn't even have to like me. He just has to pretend that he likes me for the next fourteen months. After that, I'll give him the will. I’ll have my freedom, my inheritance, the ability to care for myself, and I'll leave him to his life.
Simple. Clean. There's no happily-ever-after for me here. The fact I ever hoped there could be makes me feel foolish and childish.
I'm a woman now. I can accept that the man I've crushed on my whole life feels nothing for me. But I hate, even as I tell myself I can accept that reality, that I still feel that sting.
I suspect, no matter what kind of time passes, and how much he tells me he loathes me, there's always going to be a piece of me that loves him.
I've accepted that, too.
Closing my Kindle, I disconnect my brain from the insanely addictive, and surprisingly delicious monster romance that Nevaeh recommended to me while we chit-chatted about our favorite books at the ball. Both Wrenlee and Nevaeh work with books, Wrenlee editing and Nevaeh designing covers for indie authors, so they both have more than a few must-read-recommendations. Nevaeh, however, is the one with a rather intense taste in books. I’d been hesitant at first, but she’d assured me I’d be hooked. She hadn’t been wrong.
Who would have thought I could get turned on by a monster with tentacles on his—ahem—I can't even say it. It's bizarre. Bananas, really. A thing with tentacles…
An audible giggle escapes as I tip my head back to the sun, letting my eyes drift closed. It’s the same leisurely life I’d had back at home, but it feels so different here. I’d never had peace there. Not like this.
I’d never felt safe. Relaxed. Like my limbs could melt in the sun without fear of being beat while my guard was down. For a mistake I didn’t realize I’d made.
I can relax here, and just slip away. Letting all thoughts disintegrate around me. At home, I’d always been on edge. On guard. Ready for whatever punishment Remira felt I deserved. The punishments came often, so I was always prepared. If I let myself slip, let my mental shields down and she came at me, it was so much harder. Those were the times I’d cry, when she caught me unprepared for a punishment.
I’d learned to stay prepared.
It's nice not to have to be now, though I catch myself tensing every now and again as though my body hasn’t quite accepted that I’m safe here. That’s the main reason I started practicing yoga. I need to relax. To unwind. To try and heal the damage Remira has done not only to my body, but to my psyche.
She can’t do any more damage. She’ll never touch me again.
I can't help but smile now, knowing how infuriated she must be. I've run away. I’ve ignored her command, shattered her control, and betrayed her rule. I've stolen her pawn and ensured that she won't be provided for. At least not by Darius, not anymore.
