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She snickers. “Okay, fine. He was good. Sweet, even. I like the way he kept looking at you like he was slightly in awe. I don’t even know if he was aware of it, but he definitely had mushy eyes at one point. He really likes you.”
Giddy bells start dinging in my stomach, and I can’t contain my giggle. “I know. I still can’t believe he’s my boyfriend. I thought he might bail on that after I left his place the other night, but he totally hasn’t. We’re a legit couple, Lei-Lei.” I squeal like I’ve forgotten I’m twenty and do a little happy dance on the edge of the bed.
Lani laughs along with me for a second before her smile drops away and she kills the happy buzz in the room. “You need to tell him the truth.”
“What truth?”
“About Ben.”
Guilt swells in my throat, and I refuse to look at her as I try to toe off my boot. I haven’t loosened the laces enough, and I end up huffing and grunting.
Seriously, why do I wear these boots?
Because they’re cool and comfy and you love them.
“Caroline, he deserves to know. It’s kinda criminal that you haven’t told him yet.”
With a desperate little whine, I bend back down and loosen my laces some more. My movements are practically frantic, my fingers shaking as I yank at the laces.
“Ignoring it won’t change anything,” she murmurs.
“I know that,” I snap. “But I finally got him. I can’t go fucking this up with the truth! He’ll hate me, and I won’t risk losing him.”
“But—”
“No!” I shoot her a warning look. “I can’t tell him I slept with Ben, okay?”
“But you should.” She gives me a pained frown. “It’s not like you cheated on him. He never called you back. But he does deserve to know that…” Her voice drops off to a soft whisper, and she mumbles the last part. “The baby might not be his.”
I swallow, resisting the urge to vomit all over my fucking boots.
We stare at each other across the room for a minute, saying everything without speaking a word. My chest rises and falls as thick, painful breaths punch out of me.
I don’t want her to be right. I need her to forget that I made such a stupid mistake with Ben. It was about a week after my hookup with Casey, and I was hurting big-time that he still hadn’t called me. Lani convinced me to go to this party, and I got off-my-ass drunk, then ended up falling all over the first guy to start flirting with me. My memories are a little hazy, but flashes have come back to torture me—enough to know the sex was wild, my angst coming out in growls and bites as I rode Ben, fisting his open shirt and pounding on him like he could hammer away my anger with a good fuck.
We used a condom. I’m positive that we did because he made me stop so he could suit up.
Thing is, Casey and I used a condom, too, so…
So…
Shit, I don’t know who the father is!
“I need it to be Casey’s.” My voice quakes, making the words tremble out of my mouth like an earthquake is moving through me.
Lani shakes her head with a sad sigh. “But what if it’s not?”
Flicking off my boots, I throw them against the wall on my side of the room before disappearing into the bathroom. I take my sweet time brushing my teeth and washing my face. I can’t look at my reflection in the mirror… which means my best friend is right.
“I can’t tell him,” I murmur again, my stomach roiling at the very idea of having to admit something I can’t even admit to myself.
The truth is inconsequential, isn’t it? I mean… it doesn’t have to matter, right?
I shake my head, not even wanting to think about how full of shit I am.
Of course it matters!
And I’m a terrible, horrible, awful person for allowing things to go this far with Casey and not even once talking to Ben.
