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“Please know that I’m not being so insistent we have this conversation to embarrass you or make you uncomfortable.”
“Carmen.” She sighed. “You should know by this point, that topic doesn’t embarrass me.”
“Good. Me neither. So we should be able to discuss this like adults and just speak our true feelings.” I waited for her to add more, but she was unusually quiet. So I dived into the heart of the matter but couched it with some information about myself first. Maybe if I showed a little vulnerability first, she wouldn’t feel so defensive.
“It makes me happy on a bunch of levels to make you happy. Whether it’s with kind words, little gifts, or giving you pleasure with my body. When you’re happy, I’m happy.”
With a smile, she said, “You’ve been very good to me. I appreciate the efforts you make because I know they are premeditated. That says a lot about the kind of human you are.”
“Thank you, darling,” I said sincerely.
“But I want to try to explain something about me. About what goes on in here.” She tapped on her temple with her index finger, and her bright-green wedding band made me smile.
I took her hand and kissed her fourth finger and continued holding it while we talked. It was hard to be near her and not touch her in one way or another.
“Okay, I’m all ears,” I encouraged.
“Inside my head…” She huffed. “It’s pretty chaotic. Like, all the time. It’s probably the biggest reason I don’t sleep well. I have trouble turning off the inner dialogue.” She held up her hand to stop me from interjecting, but honestly, I wasn’t considering doing so. I could be patient and hear her out.
“Unfortunately, it’s no different while we’re having sex. Okay, that’s not completely true with you, but for the most part…in my experience so far…the running commentary continues no matter what I’m doing physically.”
“Can you explain what you mean when you said it’s different with me?”
“Isn’t that self-explanatory? You’ve been the only lover I’ve ever had who can manage to pull me from the mental distraction. But then last night, I slipped back into that comfort zone,” she explained, but then she started talking so fast, I wasn’t sure I caught everything she said.
“And I felt really bad about it. About losing my concentration. I was right there, right about to come, and something sneaked through the cracks, and my mind took off in twelve different directions. I know from experience there’s no way to come back from that point, so I gave you an out.”
I tilted my head to one side because I wasn’t sure I heard that right. “Gave me an out?” I repeated her words in hopes she would hear how lame they were.
Instead, she gave a firm nod, completely standing by the statement. “Yes. You’d already worked so hard at…at what was going on, and I thought you’d be disappointed if I didn’t climax. It’s not fair to you, for one thing, and sometimes a woman’s body can only take so much before it becomes not enjoyable. You know?”
“Okay, fair enough—the part about your body, at least. But I’m telling you right here and now, to make it my official stance on the matter. I would rather you tell me the truth than fake it. That’s harder on a guy’s psyche than an honest conversation. And my beautiful storm…” I couldn’t resist reaching out and tugging on a lock of her blond waves. “A man worth your time in bed can totally tell when you’re faking. So don’t think you’ll do it again.”
“But…” she began but slouched down on the seat, looking completely defeated.
“But what?”
“Never mind.”
“Please. Tell me what you were going to say. I’m not mad, and you’re not mad—we’re just two people sitting here having a conversation. About a very important topic, no doubt, but there’s no reason not to say what you want to say.”
“I was going to explain why I did it, but it will just sound like I’m making lame excuses. That’s so not me.”
“All right. I’m one hundred percent clear you’re being genuine. Please finish your thought.”
She sighed long and heavy and thought for a few moments. I was just about to get growly and demanding when she spoke.
“My brain is a very busy place.”
“Yes.” I couldn’t stop the grin that spread across my lips. “I would agree with that assessment. It’s one of the things I love about you.” And yes, I heard the words that just slipped past my lips but had no intention of recalling them.
“Like I just said, it’s really easy for me to get distracted—like, all the time. So I end up thinking about fourteen other things when I should be concentrating on what I’m participating in.”
“This will seem like it’s coming from left field, but do you like pain with sex? So far, you seem to like what we’ve done in bed, but I think I have a few other ideas to keep you present in the moment. I wouldn’t do something more intense without your consent first.”
The question was a legitimate one, and a little pain during sex had been proved to keep a person grounded and focused. We might have stumbled into a really fun solution to the problem.
If she agreed to it, of course.
