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“Before you start, I have to tell you somethin’,” Chance says suddenly, his voice low. “I was ready to let you go and give up on ever seein’ you again. I’ve been fightin’ for you and a relationship between the two of us for over a year now. You didn’t fight for a second. I had a fight before comin’ over here and was so angry at you. At why you would keep yourself closed off and away from the people who love and care about you. Especially considerin’ you refused to talk to me, but you told my dad what’s goin’ on.
“At the end of the fight, I realized somethin’. I realized that you’re the only woman I’ve ever felt like this about. It didn’t take me long at all to fall in love with you. Not because you’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen or any of that bullshit. Which you are. I fell in love with you because of the woman you are. You’re sweet, lovin’, hardworkin’, independent, so fuckin’ strong, and have given up so much to take care of Lyric and be here for her. If you weren’t the woman you are, I know you would’ve left Cedar Bay when you got the chance and built a life for yourself away from here. Instead, you chose your sister and fought for her to remain in your life over goin’ into foster care after the accident. So, all of the anger and pain melted away the second my dad hugged me and told me to come after you. I’m all fuckin’ in, Paige. I love you and I will fight with everythin’ I have on a daily basis to be with you. I just need to know you want that,” he says, looking the most vulnerable I’ve ever seen him in my life.
“I do love you, Chance. I fell in love with you so long ago. And that’s why I tried so hard to push you away. You’ve always told me what you want in your life and how you want your future to be. There hasn’t been a single thing we haven’t talked about in regards to the future. Well, you’ve talked about it. I promise, I hurt myself daily by pushing you and everyone else away, and I didn’t used to be like this. I’ve always been shy and prefer to be at home, curled up with a good book over going out. I don’t have many friends. Right now, I don’t have any. My life for the past four years has been dedicated to taking care of Lyric and keeping a roof over our heads. To understand why I am the way I am today, I have to go back quite a ways in my past,” I begin, tears already filling my eyes as I think about opening myself up for the first time in so long with a person who means so much to me.
When I told Tank my story and what happened after the accident, it was different. First, I don’t love him. I respect the man and love how he is with those he considers family. Secondly, the man is a damn magician. He really didn’t do anything at all and I spilled my story to him. A few words from him and I knew he’d keep my secrets. I’ve heard the rumors about Tank and how all the ol’ ladies go talk to him when they can’t talk to anyone else. I really didn’t believe them though. I thought it was something everyone kind of made up because he’s such a large, scary man. Well, I can definitely say, the rumors are true and I will never be able to repay him for getting me to see how much I truly needed the help I’m now getting.
“Growing up, we didn’t have much at all. My dad worked and that bitch worked the third shift at the factory here in town. Together, they barely had enough money to pay the bills and put food on the table. When our mother was home, she put on a good act. At the time we didn’t know it was an act, but we do now. She was loving, attentive, and made this trailer a home for us. There wasn’t a day that went by where we didn’t feel her love and know she was here for us. We’d bake together and make a complete mess of the kitchen and she would just laugh along with us. There was dancing all over the trailer as we cleaned or just hung out on one of her days off. When our dad was home, he’d light up whenever he looked at her. She was the center of his world and the man was head over heels in love with her. It’s the kind of love I always wanted to find for myself.
“Just before my ninth birthday, we got woken up in the middle of the night by the police knocking on the door. I snuck out in the hallway and listened as they told my dad that the bitch was involved in an accident at work and didn’t survive. They said she was crushed by a piece of equipment and were conducting an investigation into how it even happened. That was the day our dad truly died. He lost the love of his life and kind of gave up on living. He went through the motions of the funeral and burying her. Every day, he’d get up, go to work, and then come home to us. Lyric was only six at the time and I knew it was up to me to take care of her. I’ve been taking care of my sister since I was eight years old.
“Over the years, our dad gave up. He started drinking every single night as soon as he got home from work. It started out by him having a few beers to numb the pain of our mother not being there anymore. Then he started drinking the heavier alcohol. Soon, he’d drink from the second his eyes opened until he passed out at the end of the day. I can’t be sure he didn’t drink while he was at work if I’m being honest. He’d walk through the door of this trailer with a brown paper bag in his hands. There’d be two bottles of whatever cheap liquor he bought. One would remain with him while the other was put in his room on the stand by his bed. I don’t even think he ever knew I took the checkbook from him and started paying the bills and everything before he could spend all of his money on alcohol. I’m sure he did because he still had to sign his name to them,” I tell him, my voice cracking as giant sobs make me shake uncontrollably.
I’ve never truly let myself talk about this shit. Not even with Lyric. It’s the one aspect of my life she’s never known anything about. I didn’t want to burden my baby sister with the crap I was seeing and feeling at such a young age. To me, Lyric was never a burden and it was natural to slip into the role of taking care of her when we lost our mother and dad. I did what I had to do in order to know she was fed, bathed, did her homework, and had a good life despite not having much of anything to our name.
Chance pulls me into his arms and holds me as I take a few minutes to gather myself. He doesn’t say a word as he wraps his strong arms around me and pulls me into his body. I soak up his body heat as I feel like I’m freezing from the inside out. I’m laying myself wide open and realizing things I didn’t before now. I’ve always been the caretaker of our family and never once said anything about it to Lyric or anyone. I haven’t had a normal life since before I was nine years old. I’ve been the one to take care of everyone around me and didn’t get a chance to live my life.
“You don’t have to keep goin’, baby girl,” Chance finally says as the tears continue to slide down my face and I try to suck in a deep breath of air.
“Yeah, I do. I just need a minute,” I tell him, trying to stop the tears from falling and getting myself under control so I can continue.
Chance pulls the blankets up over us and tucks me in tight. I’m shaking from head to toe as he holds me and kisses the top of my head. We don’t talk as I simply take in his body pressed against mine. Neither one of us got dressed after our shower so I feel his hard body and smooth skin against mine. It takes me several minutes, but I finally manage to get myself under control enough to continue on with my story.
“I’m gonna skip ahead a few years now. That’s just how our story started. For the most part everything over the years remained the same. I paid the bills for our dad, took care of the house and Lyric, and went to school every single day. I essentially became Lyric’s mom and made sure our dad didn’t hurt himself when he was drunker than hell. I grew up at the age of nine because I didn’t have a choice. I don’t regret anything I did over the years either. As soon as I was able to, I got a job to help cover the bills and make sure Lyric had what she needed. It wasn’t much, but she had new clothes and school supplies every year at the start of school. I went with what I had from the year before. Neither one of us gave a shit about having the latest brands or any of that shit. We just wanted to get through school so we could leave Cedar Bay. I was going to wait for Lyric, but she refused to hold me back once I graduated and was accepted to several schools.
“I decided to take a gap year. Our dad was getting worse as far as his drinking and missing work. He got fired because he was showing up drunk and couldn’t hide it like he did in the beginning from what I understand. Lyric and I were both working by then and we took over paying for everything in the house. Again, neither one of us minded and we were happy to do it. Our dad was a good man and we know he loved us. He was just so lost in his grief for the love of his life and was dealing with it the only way he knew how. Lyric and I took care of him the best we could.
“One night, Lyric and I had the same day off. For the first time in my life, I wanted to go out and have fun instead of staying home and doing the same thing over and over again. So, we went out to dinner and then found a party to go to. We didn’t stay for very long, but there was no one sober to drive us home. As you know, there are no taxis or anything in Cedar Bay and buses don’t run through town either. Yes, we could’ve walked home, but I was tired and it was so dark out. We didn’t want to risk something happening to either one of us. It was around the time the drugs and shit slowly started to seep into town and that wasn’t a risk we wanted to take. So, I called our dad and without hesitation he came out to pick us up.
“We were on our way home and it started to rain so hard. Lyric asked him to slow down, but he said it was fine. I was trying not to show how nervous I was about his driving the regular speed limit with how hard the rain was coming down. I wanted to be strong for Lyric because I knew she was scared. I’m not sure how it all happened, but we were in an accident. Neither one of us remembers what happened or anything until waking up in the hospital. We were told our dad didn’t survive the accident. Lyric was really banged up and needed some stitches in a few of the wounds. She had to have surgery to repair her wrist. I wasn’t so lucky. Somehow I ended up with a pipe in my stomach. It did a lot of damage and when they had me in surgery, they couldn’t get the bleeding to stop. I had to have a complete hysterectomy in order to get it to stop. I can never have children, Chance. I lost that opportunity just before turning nineteen because of one night. My entire world shattered. I’d always wanted to be a mom and have a ton of kids running around the house. I couldn’t see past the words I was told about having a hysterectomy. It’s what started my downfall.
“Lyric knew only because they put us in the same room. If she hadn’t been in there when I was told, I don’t think I ever would’ve told her about what happened. Anyway, I’ve kept that to myself for almost five years now. No one has ever known until the night I told your dad. I’ve carried my pain and didn’t let myself form attachments to anyone because I was mourning the loss of my ability to have kids. I decided in that hospital room as we waited to get discharged, that I’d never let a man into my life. I might go out and have a one night stand or something when I wanted to have sex, but that is all I’d allow myself to have. I didn’t want to have a reason for a man to leave me down the road when he realized I couldn’t give him children. That’s why I didn’t want to get any closer to you, Chance. I know how bad you want a family and I can’t give that to you,” I tell him, needing to stop talking as I start sobbing once again.
My heart shatters in my chest because I know once Chance processes everything I’ve just told him, he’s going to leave me. I don’t blame him for it either. Chance snuck under all of my defenses and broke down the walls surrounding my heart. I fell in love with him before I really knew what was happening. That’s just the kind of man he is.
“Baby girl, I’m so fuckin’ sorry. I don’t even know what to say right now. I want to take away all of this pain from you. My heart hurts seein’ you so fuckin’ upset, Paige. Why didn’t you think you could talk to me about this before? It’s nothin’ to be ashamed of. I mean, I’ve seen the scars on your stomach and always wondered what happened, but I didn’t want to push when you were already holdin’ back,” Chance says, his voice barely above a whisper and he pulls me in tighter to him.
“I just didn’t want to think about it if I’m being honest. When I talked to your dad, he made me see how much damage I was truly doing. Not just to my relationships with everyone I love and care about, but to myself as well. I’ve buried my feelings about this so deep for so long, that I broke myself completely. So, he made me promise that I’d get help when I told him I’d come back to Cedar Bay. I see a woman named Valerie daily for counseling. She’s been helping me work through things and one of my goals is starting to repair my relationships. To truly let go and start talking about my past with everyone I love because it’s not my burden to carry alone. Not when I have people who are willing to help me carry the load.
“Valerie has also made me see that I can still have a family. Just because I can’t physically carry a child, doesn’t mean I can’t be a mom. There are so many ways to have kids and I’m just now realizing that it’s still possible. They did freeze some of my eggs when I was in surgery. Since I was so young, they didn’t want to completely take the chance to be a mom away from me. I’ve done research and know it’s hard to ensure the eggs are going to make it and then the implantation will work. I spent hours looking at every aspect of it. Now, I realize even if all of my eggs aren’t good and none of them work if I choose to have a surrogate, I can still foster kids and adopt those who need a home filled with love. I’m a work in progress, but I feel myself getting stronger every single day and I want to move forward with fixing all the damage I’ve done,” I tell him honestly as I shift slightly to look up into Chance’s eyes.
“That’s really great, Paige. I’m so fuckin’ proud of you. I’ll do whatever you need me to do to help you through this. If you want me to go with you to counseling, I’ll go. If you just need me to hold you when you get back from a session, I can do that. I’m here for whatever you need. I already told you I’m all in and I want to be with you. I want it all with you, baby girl. I just need to know what you want,” Chance says, that vulnerable look covering his face once again as he thinks about me pushing him away again.
“I want you, Chance. I’ve never not wanted you since the second I saw you. I want to be with you and build a future with you. I might not know what that looks like for us, but for the first time in four years, I’m not afraid of it. My only worry is that you’ll leave me if we choose to use my eggs and they don’t work. That I can’t give you a family,” I respond honestly as my voice hitches.
“I’m not gonna leave you, baby girl. Yes, I want a family and I’ve let you know that more than once. However, as you said, there are different ways we can make that happen. We’ll figure it out when we’re ready. So, as of this second, you’re mine. I’m not ever lettin’ you go. I mean, you’ve always been mine in my mind, but now you’re on the same page as I am. Let’s get some sleep. I’m exhausted and I know you are too. You just bared your soul and I know that shit takes a lot out of you,” he says, leaning forward to kiss me before we get settled in to go to sleep. “I love you, Paige.”
“I love you too, Chance,” I respond, my voice already fading as exhaustion hits.
With Chance’s arms wrapped around me and my head laying on his chest, I quickly fall asleep. For the first time in over a month, I’m completely at peace and know I’m making the right choice moving forward. Chance is a man worth risking my heart shattering into a million pieces because he’s willing to explore options for us having a family when we’re ready to take that step. I didn’t think I could love the man anymore, but he just proved me wrong.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ricochet
A WEEK HAS passed since Paige and I had our talk. She hasn’t come back to the clubhouse in the last week, but everything in our relationship has changed. She’s open and honest with me and we have been talking more than ever. I’ve taken her out on a date and sat at the diner while she’s been at work. Paige has even been getting close to Haley. Haley still doesn’t know about her past in great detail, but she knows enough to realize something horrible happened. The biggest change is that Paige is smiling more than I’ve ever seen her before. I’ll never get tired of seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. Laughing is something else she’s been doing a lot more of too. It's like a weight has been lifted off of her shoulders and for the first time in a very long time, Paige is free. She’s not letting her past weigh her down any longer and is taking control of dealing with the situation and her relationships with others.
Since Paige and I have been dancing around one another for the last year, I’ve decided I’m not waiting a second longer to make her mine in the eyes of the club. We’ve talked about me claiming her and she’s agreed to be my ol’ lady. I’m not going to push her into doing it if she truly doesn’t want to, but this is something Paige wants to do. She’s excited about it and is actually looking forward to going to the clubhouse today. I’ll claim her before the cookout we’re having. She has a session before we go and I know she takes a nap afterwards. There’s plenty of time for her to do that.
