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A few seconds ticked by before she averted her eyes and let out a long, spiritless sigh. ‘Actually, you might understand it better.’
I frowned. ‘Better than who?’
‘The others.’ She fluttered a weak gesture at the world beyond these prison walls. ‘Because you love him, you see.’
The matter was growing more and less comprehensible at the same time. ‘Is this about people who fall in love with demons?’
‘No,’ she said wistfully, letting out another sigh so deep it had to come from the pits of her soul. ‘About people who aren’t scared of them.’
I blinked at her. She didn’t elaborate, staring at the wall opposite us with a wobbling bottom lip … but at least she’d stopped sobbing out loud and no longer gave the impression she would sink her teeth into my face if I asked the wrong question.
‘Is that so rare?’ I asked warily.
She snorted. ‘You’re scared of me.’
The hand on my dress seemed to be mocking me all of a sudden. ‘Admittedly, but—’
‘Oh, I know,’ she interrupted, spitting out a laugh. ‘You like me. You’d call me a friend. You’re happy enough to fight alongside me. They’realllike that – it’s just that it doesn’t change a damn thing about the fact they’re all scared of me, too.’
Right.
‘And it’s very sensible,’ Naxi added with a laconic shrug. For a moment she sounded like her own light-hearted self again, that familiar, cheerful ruthlessness. ‘Iamquite dangerous. But it still stings at times, you see?’
I did see.
Truly, how could I not understand exactly what she was telling me? I had at least been granted the small mercy of notfeelingthe discomfort around me; all I noticed were stares and whispers, and those hurt enough already. I’d seen Creon destroy himself over his demon senses. I should have known hers wouldn’t come without a price either.
‘You don’t feel empathy, do you?’ I said.
‘Oh, thank the gods, no.’ She huffed a laugh. ‘It’s tiresome enough to feel everyone’s emotions. It would be torture if I had to have my own emotions about them, too.’
It was hard to return even the most watery chuckle at the memory of Creon’s empty eyes, the shadows deepening everyline of that sharp-edged face. Torture, indeed. ‘But you do feel loneliness?’
‘I feel …’ She hesitated, running the pink tip of her tongue along her lips as if to taste the options. ‘I feel outsiderness.’
My heart twinged a little.
‘Oh, yes,’ she lightly said, throwing me a look of understanding. ‘I thought you would.’
For fuck’s sake. I didn’t want any of this to make so much sense. I didn’t want any of this to be aboutme. None of my own troubles were where I needed this conversation to go; I could ponder the many different flavours of loneliness well enough on my own, and meanwhile I wasn’t getting any closer to my one useful task for the day.
We still had a war to win. And Creon … Creon was still waiting for me.
‘So you decided Thysandra is the solution for you?’ I said, resting the back of my head against the cold alf steel door. ‘To your outsiderness, I mean.’
‘Well,’ Naxi said, face darkening as she pouted, ‘at least she’s devoted her heart and soul to people without a moral compass before, hasn’t she?’
It almost sounded like a plea – as if she needed me to agree. As if her future depended on my approval.
I rubbed my face, suppressing the urge to groan. ‘Right. And she isn’t scared of you.’
‘Not of me.’ A long-suffering sigh. ‘Just of what she feels around me, really.’
You’d better keep Anaxia away from me, Thysandra had snapped as I was leaving her cell, and whatever the emotion in her voice had been, it had more closely resembled fear than anger. I shook my head, not sure who’d win the title of most insane participant in this entire history, and said, ‘Well, that sounds like a solid basis for love.’
Naxi couldn’t have looked more revolted if I’d pushed a rotting apple under her nose. ‘I don’t feel love.’
‘Oh, apologies,’ I said, taking the risk of rolling my eyes at her. ‘I didn’t know the word was offensive.’
