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He knew that I knew that he cared, didn’t he?
My head spun. My words came out in a pathetic stammer. ‘I— No, but—’
‘So of course I want you to unbind them all,’ he added before I could gather my thoughts. Why that fierce emphasis, though, as if this would be news to me? ‘But not at the cost ofyou, do you understand?’
I understood.
And I also didn’t.
This was the second time in three days he was lashing out at me over nothing, making me feel like a fool, snapping at me when he could so easily have made the point in his usual leisurely manner – things he’d never done before in all the time I’d known him. Just tired, I’d told myself the day before yesterday. Just hurt or sick of the world pushing us to our limits. But to hell with that – Iknewwhat he was like when he was tired and hurt and sick of the world, and none of it involved losing his temper with me.
So what in hell had gotten him so touchy about reckless battle strategies and broken bindings?
‘Yes,’ I made myself say. ‘Yes, I understand, but …’
He waited without speaking this time, shoulders straining, wings furling and unfurling in restless little twitches. As if hewas bracing himself – the look of a male caught red-handed and desperate to talk his way out of it.
Gods help me. Telling him that he was being ridiculous in this state sounded like guaranteed trouble.
‘I’m honestly not sure how we got here.’ I sucked in a long breath. Best to move the conversation elsewhere, then. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to hear you won’t blindly sacrifice me to save the world, but …’
His sharp-edged features mellowed as he tilted his head, eyebrow coming up a fraction. ‘But you’d still prefer to sacrifice yourself?’
And all of a sudden there was no trace of that haunted vigilance left on his face. The soft lines deepening around his eyes instead were so radically different that I wondered for a moment if I hadn't simply misjudged his expression in the dusky light – what if it was nothing more than a misunderstanding, all of this, some spectacularly poor reading of tone and body language?
But for goodness’ sake, I wasn’t mad, was I?
‘Well, I wouldprefernot to sacrifice anyone,’ I said, allowing myself a cautious huff by way of experiment. His expression didn’t change – thank the gods. ‘But right now, my alternative is letting down all the people who rely on me to save them, and how am I supposed to justify holding back in that situation? Hell, evenZeraexpected me to … to …’
To save the world. To do the job I promised her I would. I didn’t manage to finish the sentence; it tasted far, far too much like failure.
Creon shoved his blankets aside and swung his legs out of bed, revealing every last inch of that chiselled fae body with an uncharacteristic lack of dramatics. ‘And you’re telling me that you truly believe Zera would want you to use your godsworn magic in this way? After all the doubts she had in the first place?’
I swallowed, lips pressed tight together. I didn’t dare to trust that my voice would come out steady.
‘Yes,’ he said, mirthless smile tugging at his lips. ‘That’s what I would think, too.’
How had he morphed back so easily into this version of himself, no more sudden sharpness, nothing but all-seeing tenderness? I wanted to ask. Ineededto ask. I couldn’t let these outbursts keep gnawing at the back of my mind. And at the same time, I wanted to bury the question six feet deep and forget about it – why risk getting an answer if the problem had mysteriously solved itself already, if this was simply my own Creon again, the male I knew and understood and loved so much it hurt?
‘But what if we’re wrong,’ I whispered, swayed by the lure of the easy way out. ‘What if shedoeswant—’
‘Em, she didn’t give these powers to whoever you wish you could be.’ His eyes burned so piercingly sharp between the deceptive softness of his lashes; his low, rough voice was the gentlest punch in the gut. ‘She gave them to you.Becauseof the choices you would make with them.Becauseof the empathic capacity and moral compass that you showed her. So why are you trying to get rid of those very things now, as if you’re failing her by doing exactly what she trusted you to do?’
My knees were trembling. I wasn’t sure when they’d started.
‘You don’t want to use the damn magic,’ he added wryly, sending me a slight, one-shouldered shrug. ‘So don’t use it. Do something better instead. You’re allowed to keep it that simple, cactus.’
It sounded like a lie, all of it – not becausehewas a liar, but because it seemed unreasonable for the truth to be so convenient. ‘But if Thysandra never talks …’
‘Sooner or later, she will.’ He closed his eyes for a brief instant. ‘I did, too, in the end.’
After the Alliance first captured him. After Lyn talked to him, for days and days and days on end, until finally he’d come to realise that he’d spent his life on the wrong side of this war, that the Mother he’d served had never loved him and never would.
He’s served his purpose.
A familiar flare of hot anger burned through me.
‘But you had been very explicitly abandoned,’ I said, turning away in a desperate attempt to keep my scattering thoughts in line. Thinking clearly was somehow much easier without the distraction of his naked body on that bed. ‘So at least you couldn’t cling to the fantasy of being her cherished son anymore, could you?’
