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‘Even better.’
‘Said he was just trying to protect me from your lecherous wiles – not in those words – by being an arse until you would leave us all alone. Without informing me of it, of course.’
A muscle trembled at the corner of his lips. ‘I take it you told him what you thought of that strategy?’
‘Hence the blood,’ I said sheepishly.
His grin broke through. ‘Then it looks to me like there isn’t that much left to feel guilty over, wouldn’t you say?’
‘No, but you don’t get it!’ This time he did allow me to break away; I stumbled half a step backwards, regretting the move as soon as the cold air found the skin that had been pressed against his muscular body a moment ago. ‘Even if we’re finenow, I can still blame myself for all the hurt I caused you in the meantime, can’t I? I messed up so much of it. I …’
‘Well,’ he said, settling both his hands on the edge of the desk as he tilted his head at me again, ‘you never saved the world before, of course.’
‘No, but …’ I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting for words. ‘Look, I want to saveyouas much as I want to save the bloody world, alright? It’s bad enough that I can’t magically undo three centuries of suffering with some clever blue magic – I shouldn’t be adding so much as a single bloody day to it if I can help it.’
‘Thatisa little ambitious, Em,’ he said, some emotion in his voice I didn’t quite recognise yet.
I scoffed. ‘We’re not going to win the war without a little ambition either.’
‘Cactus …’
He hesitated. I didn’t look his way – didn’t quite dare, unsure if that had been disappointment in the hoarse tones of his voice, and very sure I had no desire to see proof of it had that been the case.
‘They are entirely different things,’ he eventually said – speaking even more slowly now, no unhurried confidence but careful contemplation of every syllable that left his lips. ‘The past few centuries as opposed to whatever pain you could cause me. I spent half a life assuming that what my mother felt for me was love, and the other half believing I must truly be a monster if I wasn’t even worthy ofthat. So having you here after all of that, just … justfeeling…’
Again he faltered. I looked up before I could stop myself, meeting his gaze half a step away – dark eyes reflecting everyshard of old hurt I could catch in his voice, every twinge of regret.
Not disappointment.
Definitely not disappointment.
‘You could never hurt me like she did unless you abruptly stopped giving a damn about me,’ he said quietly. ‘Which was never the case. So you’re in no way bringing back those years – I just don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to feel like … like I may not be quite worthy of you either, in the end.’
‘Like when I started betraying you to a bunch of alves,’ I grumbled.
A chuckle broke through the restraint. ‘Who’s the dramatic one now?’
‘I’m not trying to be dramatic!’ My voice cracked. ‘It just feels like I’m nowhere close to putting things straight. You can’t just shrug this off and pretend nothing happened when—’
‘Your problem is you’re waiting for some punishment,’ he interrupted, leaning leisurely as ever against the edge of the desk as he ran a hand through his long hair. ‘Which I suppose is natural, given that you grew up with parents who wouldn’t allow you to forgive yourself for a mistake unless you’d suffered appropriately first. It’s just nonsense, too.’
I blinked at him. ‘What?’
‘I said it before, Em.’ He folded his arms. ‘You’re not some pet I’m trying to train.’
‘I feel like you’re oversimplifying this,’ I said, sucking in a deep, barely controlled breath. 'It would be extremely natural for you to be angry with me, yes?’
‘Is that what you want? Anger?’ A small, wry grin. ‘Because that will reassure you I won’t quietly continue to resent you, if at least I’ve been allowed to hurt you back?’
‘You’re impossible!’ I sputtered. ‘I’m just—’
‘Let’s reverse the situation,’ he cut in, waving my objections aside with an elegant gesture of those calloused fingers. ‘Remember that time I fled the Underground and left you on your own because I couldn’t get together the fucking guts to face my own magic? You never really got angry about that, if I recall correctly. Are you still waiting for me to set things straight there?’
‘What? No!’ I bit out a laugh. ‘You hurt yourself plenty in those weeks, for a start. Why would I …’
He just quirked up an eyebrow.
My jaw fell shut.
