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So we had to go.Clearlywe had to go. But if we left the continent now, there would always be reasons not to return, every other mission more urgent than a doomed attempt to find a goddess no one had heard from since her presumed death some five centuries ago. And that would be the end of months of work – that would be the end of my promises.
My gut turned cold. Why were they all looking at me as if I, the clueless-years-old little unbound mage, should be the one to solve this conundrum?
Because I had been the one to start this madness, my thoughts helpfully reminded me. Because it would just be plain impolite for them to tell me this was where we gave up, even if it was the only conclusion I could reasonably reach. Were they just waiting for me to say that part out loud so we could all move on to the more important matter of saving lives?
Was I going to say that part out loud? I didn’t have a choice, did I?
You’re still trying to please everyone …
For fuck’s sake. I couldn’t think here, with their expectant eyes on my face, with Naxi’s almost-tears glittering on the edge of my sight. My mind filled itself with the need for silence and solitude, the almost physical itch torun.
‘Would you all mind …’ It took an effort not to snap the words, or worse, not to say a single thing and just sprint off. ‘Could I take ten minutes to think? Do we have that time?’
Naxi looked like she was about to tell me no, but Lyn said, ‘Of course. Just be careful.’
As if I’d hurl myself down the hillslope just to avoid making a choice … and then again, the forest and its deadly quietness seemed unusually attractive as I fled the apartment, unsure of where to go and even more unsure of what to think. At least if I died a tragic death by giant acorn, no one could blame me for losing a war.
I gave myself a mental kick in the shins and set a course for the temple gate instead.
The building was a blur around me, useless altar after useless altar, empty room after empty room. It was madness, wasn’t it, to think that we may still find Zera after all these centuries? Lyn had looked through every book she’d saved from the rubble. We had searched every room twice, maybe more often. There were living dragons in the woods, fine, but there was no strong reason to assume they were linked to Zera, and even if they were … what sort of fools would we be to run after creatures of that size drenched with divine magic? They might kill us before we found anything.
So I should make the wiser choice and save the lives that stillcouldbe saved, focus on those innocent nymphs instead of some idle dream. Creon had sacrificed worse to win this war. I knew he wouldn’t blame me for giving up on his voice.
I would blame myself, though.
I wasn’t even thinking anymore. I was just fleeing and falling to pieces.
Why did it have to happen to me, this life of bad options and worse alternatives, of trying so hard and never hard enough? I just needed someone to tell me how it worked, saving the world. Needed someone to take my hand, the way Editta had sat me down by the fire all those winters ago and shown me how to sew – pins here and fingers there and all will be well. Where did the pins and needles go when there were lives at stake? Where was my practice rag, a world I could safely ruin a few times before I got the hang of this job?
Where were the adults, if even the twelve-hundred-year-olds around me had no clue what to make of life?
My boots slapped against the floor faster and faster, the hollow sound echoing at me from the pillars and the alcoves. I had to be near the centre of the temple by now, and still I wasn’t any closer to finding an answer, to figuring out what role I was to play in this war for freedom. How long had I been gone now? Five minutes? Ten?
I should return to the others and start packing my bags. It truly was the only sensible thing to do. But I rounded the next corner, and before me …
Low and broad, the door to the heart of Zera’s temple.
Only then did it occur to me that my feet had known exactly where to go.
The magic of the forest was tangible here, a cool presence against my skin, enveloping me like shrouds of morning mist. It didn’t feel particularly hostile now, and I tiptoed forward until I stood on the threshold of that pentagonal room. The gnarled tree looked as healthy as two days before, growing straight from the smooth marble in a room where no sunlight had ever reached it.
I did not turn back this time. If we were leaving before the hour was over, what did I have to lose?
Nothing stopped me as I took my first step into the room, sucking the delicate smell of verbena and cherry blossoms deep into my lungs.
It was a fragrance I knew. A whiff of it had lingered in the temple ruins on Cathra, too, that abandoned complex at the centre of the island where only the children still visited to play. Where I’d spent so many hours hiding in the bushes and laying traps for wild birds, sure that if I just stalked Zera’s grounds long enough, one of them would be that coveted white dove carrying her blessing.
I’d tried so hard. Even then, long before I understood the side glares Editta’s friends would send me, I’d tried so very hard.
It was the scent that broke me, somehow, that intangible reminder of the girl I’d been, the girl I’d wanted to be. The first tears came leaking from my eyes at my next inhalation, and then there was no stopping the rest of them; I sagged onto the floor in an eruption of sobs, further from being a saviour of the world than ever before. I’d just wanted to get back his voice. Just that one thing for the male who had already sacrificed so much, and I’d have to give up even that for the greater good and whatever hopeful symbol the world had found in me?
I curled up against the wall, knees to chest and face between them, and found myself praying for the first time since I’d given up on those bloody birds.
Hear me, gentle lady of our hearts– the words welled in me so easily, ingrained in a part of my consciousness too old to forget. I mouthed them into the smothering warmth of my own skin, even the quiet shapes of the syllables a comfort.Saviour of the broken, finder of the lost, embrace me in my hardships …
I lifted my head, wavering. No goddess magically appeared between the blossoming branches to find and save me.
‘Please,’ I whispered, forcing the word from my clenching throat. ‘Tell me what I need to do. If you’re still anywhere – if you’re wanting to be found … Give me a sign. Anything at all. Because I need your help, but I can’t keep running after some impossible dream if I have to sacrifice other lives for it, and …’
