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For a moment, the world shrunk to him and me and the empty space between our lips … Just a moment, and then I remembered who were watching us.
Another burst of panic exploded through my veins. Fuck. Three pairs of suspicious alf eyes in the room, and how long had I stood here, gaping at him like some damsel about to swoon in her rescuer’s arms? Mere heartbeats, but it felt like an eternity – it would look like an eternity to Tared’s eyes.
What for hell’s sake was Ithinking?
I yanked back my hand and ducked past his left wing, all but elbowing the dark velvet aside in my hurry to put a few more feet between myself and the irresistible, irrational pull of every gods-damned glorious inch of him. My heart rattled a nauseating rhythm in my throat. Creon’s touch lingered on my skin with an intensity that made me want to curse out loud. Everywhere I looked were wide-eyed, startled gazes; Edored’s hand lay around the hilt of his sword, Tared’s around the nearest leather water bottle.
The stew simmered unperturbed above the fire, broth and lentils bubbling loudly in the breathless silence.
‘I’m fine,’ I managed, wrenching the lie over my lips. I wasnotfine. After the scene of this afternoon, after all the suspicions I’d already unwillingly fostered … How much had I given away in this small, stupid moment of accidental intimacy? ‘Good gods. Could you alves be alittlemore thoughtful about where you fade, next time I’m standing with my nose over a fire?’
‘I’m so sorry, Em.’ Even Beyla’s frail voice sounded unusually feeble. ‘I didn’t realise—’
‘It’s alright.’ I dropped into the nearest chair, not daring to look at Creon, realising only then my knees were quivering uncontrollably. I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted them to stop thinking about what in hell had happened a moment ago. ‘I’m fine. Everyone’s alive. Can we have dinner, please?’
‘Of course,’ Lyn hastily said, but she hesitated as she slid from her chair, gaze wandering from me to where Creon must still be standing behind me. There was an unmistakable apology in her voice as she quietly added, ‘Thank you.’
Oh, Zera help me. Had I even thanked him yet?
I … I hadn't, had I?
But when I turned around in the croaking leather chair, clenching my nails into my newly healed palm, Creon didn’t meet my gaze. His nod at Lyn was all uncaring boredom, all faintly amused arrogance – the look of the calculating murderer who’d saved me from the flames only because I still had a role to play in his schemes.
Behind me, Edored was pilfering antique plates from cupboards, the clattering and clanging suggestive of a horse tramping through a pottery.
‘Creon?’ I said.
His glance slid over me with unmistakable coolness, not even the faintest hint of a smile to break through that glacial mask. Was he just playing the game with me, keeping up the pretences for our unsympathetic audience?
Or was it rather …
Nervousness stirred, thick and nauseating. He’d pulled me away from the fire faster than any of us could think. Had not hesitated to take that blistering pain upon his own shoulders even in the mere moments before he healed me, had preferred to suffer himself rather than let me feel a second more of that agony.
And I’d shoved him aside as a triviality, hurried away from him as if he was some horror to be avoided at all costs.
‘Creon?’ I whispered again.
He didn’t turn to meet my gaze. Combing a hand through his hair to smoothe any rebellious strands back in place, he settled himself against the wall and watched the rest of the company gather plates and spoons and ladles with bottomless dark eyes. A cold shell of a male even to the most vigilant onlookers – even tomyeyes.
Sickening alarm seeped into my guts, alarm he had to feel, and he still didn’t look at me.
Fuck.
Fuck.
We should have talked. We should talk right this moment. But Edored fell into the chair next to me with an unusual string of curses, and Tared didn’t smile even when Lyn sat down beside him with a plate of lentil stew in her lap. If I snuggled up to Creon for a cosy conversation now, they wouldn’t forget. They may not stay silent. And sooner or later, the wrong people would know.
I didn’t get up from my chair.
The dinner conversation slid past me entirely. There were compliments for the food Creon had cooked, demonstratively aimed only at me. Something about Zera’s forest, which felt unusual according to Naxi and looked like a pretty nightmare according to Beyla. Something about our location on the map and the direction of Zera’s temple deep in the woods.
I waited for all of them to finally be done, waited until they’d go to sleep so I could sneak into Creon’s arms unnoticed and plead my case. But as Naxi put down her spoon, the first thing she said was a breezy, ‘Mind if I take the first watch, Creon? Ihategetting up early.’
Gods damn me, what was she doing?
Creon merely shrugged, nodded, and grabbed his bag to pull out a tightly folded blanket. Only then, as he gracefully rose to his feet, did his gaze wander back to me, not a fraction warmer than it had been before our meal.
‘Anything I can help with?’ I forced myself to say, which was nowhere close to what I would have said had we been alone.I’m sorry. I love you. Can’t you see I’m trying to keep the both of us safe here?
