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Adam shook him and hissed, "what the hell is wrong with you?"
Elias asked that question countless times, seeking answers from doctors of all kinds over the years. Family physicians. Therapists. Surgeons. Specialists.
Almost everyone had the same answer—there are no drastic solutions that wouldn't put your fertility at risk, and it's too soon for you to surrender your chance to conceive. Those words were the perpetual shackles across his wrists, so he'd put one around his throat to match. There was no way in hell he'd take it off. Mating and pregnancy were his worst nightmares.
"I don't know," Elias muttered.
The words fell flat, shattering the tense silence. With a scoff, Adam tugged, and his knot popped free. Elias shuddered in relief when the alpha pulled out and got up, cutting the restraints off of his wrists. He let them drop to the pillows, unable to move properly on his own.
Adam walked to the bathroom and stopped with his broad back facing Elias. "I'm sorry for hurting you. The compulsion was so strong it consumed my every thought. The blood on my hands and in my mouth is making me sick to my stomach... Now I realize why you didn't want your scent around me. Your pheromones are poisonous, aren't they?"
The alpha glanced at him, showing his eyes were green again. Ignoring the twitching of his weak body, Elias tightly shut his eyes, unable to protect either of them from the excruciating reality. While not the precise scientific definition, one could argue that Adam was spot on.
"Yes."
"Did you see it coming? What I did to you, I mean."
A breath shuddered out of him, leaving him empty and bereft. Why did he feel like the monster here?
"No, I didn't. I thought you were the one."
"I thought so, too," Adam replied, showing the barest hint of regret. "Well, don't do this with an alpha again, for everyone's sake."
Elias' head spun. "How could you transition from desperately pleading for a mating bite to suddenly accusing me of fueling your obsession? It's clear you're trying to avoid taking responsibility."
"Responsibility for what? You never trusted me with anything."
"That's not fair," Elias said, trying to sit up to salvage some dignity. "I've trusted you with my heart and my mind, just not my stupid, pheromone riddled body. Isn't that the least important part?"
As he gazed into his boyfriend's eyes, he saw nothing but apathy reflected. Elias knew it was over before this conversation, but if he didn't, that look would've made it clear. Adam had reached the point where he no longer saw any hope of fixing Elias or loving him.
"Not to me," he replied with a grimace. "Let me clean up, then we'll get you ready to go to the hospital."
With that, he fled into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him. Elias couldn't even bring himself to be upset. This would be the eighth partner he'd mourn for in just four short years. At some point, he started waiting for the day they fell over the edge. His most recent therapist once told him he might have developed an addiction to the pain.
Elias forced himself to remember that conversation, cataloging the connection to talk about it next week. It was a pathetic thing to think about in his current situation, but Elias was a habitual creature who kept score of all the hurt he'd accumulated. It didn't win him anything, but it made him realize that he'd been through hell and was still breathing.
He was still breathing… and that was good, right?
The bedroom was pitch black when he finally blinked open his tired eyes, cursing that damn nightmare. It was a memory, and one he'd rather forget. Elias couldn't help but wonder if his brain was trying to protect him, sounding alarms about the risks he took pleasure in indulging. He frowned, rolling over in his cacoon. Wrapped in the blankets from the alpha's bed, Elias had a sense of security and protection.
They did exactly what Elias asked for. Ian ate him out, knotted him twice, and praised him enough to leave a small, sunny garden of water lilies flourishing in the pool of despair at the bottom of his stomach. He figured that was one step up from it being an empty, stagnant lake.
However, it wasn't enough to erase the lingering insecurities that plagued him. After the last round and a ten-minute breather lying atop Ian's sweaty chest, Elias forced himself to stand, drop himself into the bath alone no matter how much Ian protested, and go to bed alone. For half the night he tossed and turned, his hole clenching mercilessly as if his omega was angry they weren't sleeping with Ian's cock warming inside him.
Elias tried not to think about the shock of interest that thought brought on. Was he really so much of a whore that he wanted dick at all times of the day?
He threw the covers back and sat up with a wince. Despite his body being built for taking the knot of an alpha, Ian left him sore. His dick was so thick Elias regretted not wrapping his lips around it and sucking until he choked.
Okay, maybe he was a whore.
Elias rubbed one hand across his sternum for comfort as he slowly shuffled around the room, collecting clothes, his watch, and shucking off his pajamas. The door to the bedroom was open, and from the sizzling sound of cooking, Ian was up. Not that it surprised him.
Ian didn't sleep much. He got paged into emergency shifts many times throughout nights and days alike, making his schedule crazy. But his dismal sleeping patterns began back in high school after he ascended. Ian once told him his body was too restless to lie down and do nothing, even if that nothing was important for bodily function.
Elias moved into the bathroom with a scoff, leaving the door wide open behind him. He had to rinse again this morning and change his sheets for how much slick he produced. The sweet tint to it made him want to throw a punch at the many memories it dredged up.
He swiftly dried himself, brushed his teeth, and put on a pair of joggers and a tee shirt. It was one Ian had gotten him several years ago in Oakford that read: my alpha is bigger than yours. Which, in hindsight, was fucking hilarious.
