AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“That’s not what I asked. Is this something you want to do right now? Yes or no?”
Finn frowned as if I’d just asked him a question in Serbo-Croat. “Lili, I’m good. Really. This isn’t about me -”
I grabbed his hand and moved it from where it was still expertly but mechanically caressing my left breast. “This is all about you! How many times do you need to hear that?” Exasperation gave my voice a far harsher edge than I’d meant. “Your being here with me isn’t bloody performance-related!”
Finn snatched his hand away as if it had been burned. “Jesus, Lili, I can’t screw you properly now! The only fucking thing in this entire world that I’m meant to be able to do, and now I can’t even manage that. So stop pretending, would you? Stop making out like I bring anything to your fucking perfect little life!”
In mere moments, Finn had become more agitated than I’d seen him in weeks. “Okay, you know what? I’m stopping this. Right now,” I said, and made to get out of bed.
“Jesus, Blaine -” Finn began, then slapped his hands over his mouth as if he could stop the name escaping, but it was too late. We’d both heard it. “Fuck. Bollocks. Fuck. Oh God, Lili, I didn’t mean…” He scrambled out of the bed. “I’m so sorry. I can’t…” He grabbed his jeans and t-shirt from the floor and bolted from the bedroom.
“Oh, brilliantly handled, Ms Bresson,” I sighed, and reached for my shirt.
*****
I sat on the edge of the bed and fastened the laces of my running shoes. Five miles of pounding the pavement to the accompaniment of a deafening selection of Bach’s greatest and loudest fugues wasn’t going to provide any long-term solutions, but it would give Finn the time he needed to pull himself back together whilst I took out my frustration on the streets of Santa Marita.
“You know we don’t have to meet Nat and Vanessa tonight,” I called to the next room.
“Oh yes we fuckin’ do,” came the furious reply. “Because if I can’t do this, then I’m truly good for nothing at all. I mean, what is it, huh? A night in a quiet pub with you, the nearest I’ve got to a best mate, and his new girl. It’s hardly setting the bar high, is it?”
“It doesn’t matter. If you aren’t up to it…”
Finn stood in the doorway, pale as a wraith. “Then I’m worth shit, Lili,” he said. “Does what just happened not bloody worry you, huh? I. Couldn’t. Fuck. You. Lilith Bresson, the most amazing woman I’ve ever known, when I’ve fucked and been fucked by bastards all my life. So I really need to be able to walk half a bloody mile to sit in a bar and have a beer without freaking the shit out.”
It wasn’t worth arguing when he was in this state. “Fair enough,” I conceded. “But the very second you’re not happy with the situation we leave. Just get up from the table and go. You know Nat won’t mind, and to be frank I couldn’t give a toss about Vanessa bloody Latimer. Okay?”
“Sure,” Finn lied, and I knew the awkward bastard would stick this evening out until the bitter end, just to prove a worth I already knew he possessed.
Finn
Lilith would give me my space because she was smart and patient, and she knew that when I turned into an arsehole I needed an hour or so to sort my head out. Whereas I was a twat. An addicted – and now, apparently, an impotent – twat. To add to my untrammelled joy, I also felt like shite. My head pounded as though a small demon was attempting to thump its way out of my skull, the vision in my right eye was beginning to dissolve into a pattern of swirls and splashes of neon, and I was shivering like a malaria victim.
It seemed that the next phase of my rattle was well and truly kicking in, just when I needed to pretend I was straight.
I sat in a wicker chair on my balcony, dressed in a pair of boxers and a t-shirt, and watched as a scattering of fireworks meant for Sunday’s Easter celebrations daubed themselves prematurely across the sky. Some kids somewhere in town were clearly having their fun. Seconds later the muffled explosions reached my ears and I found myself flinching as if they’d been gunshots.
Lilith would be a good mile or so into her run by now, and in less than two hours we would be meeting Nat and his new girlfriend and I needed to be able to pretend to be human. The temptation to throw an extra half-dozen temazepam down my neck was almost overwhelming. It would solve everything, if only for the night: I could appear calm in the company of others, the sense of baseless panic that had dogged me all day could be locked away in a cupboard, and…
And I would have failed. The one commitment that I’d made – and kept, despite the odds – would be shattered, and the one thing I’d managed to do right in these past hard months would be rendered worthless. There was nothing else for it; I was going to have to get creative. I took a massive swig of the bottle of vodka I’d set at my side, and lit another smoke.
It had been a while, but I still remembered the technique like a pro. I took one long drag of my cigarette and ground the glowing tip hard into my left thigh. Pain, beautiful and bright, surged through my body and momentarily silenced my fear. I gave a quiet moan that was equal parts discomfort and relief, and reached for the vodka again.
*****
Against all the odds I got myself showered, dressed and ready to go, and went to stand by the lily pond in the shared courtyard to talk to the fish and smoke a last cigarette as I waited for Lili to come downstairs. She wouldn’t ask me about my decision to go through with tonight again, I knew that; even though I was patently unfit to be unleashed on the public, I’d made my choice and she’d support me even if she thought I was being a wanker. I was determined not to let her down.
“Will I pass muster?” Lili asked, and I turned at the sound of her voice. She was disguised as Lilith Bresson, Society Artist, with her armour in place ready to deal with letting a stranger into our tight little circle, but she was no less beautiful for that.
She wore a sleeveless white silk halterneck dress that skimmed her backside and emphasised the burnished copper of her skin, and a scattering of tiny crystals sewn into the fabric flared in the early evening light as she moved. Black eyeliner made her pale, ethereal eyes appear huge in her elfin face, and her lips were painted in a perfect crimson bow.
I ground my cigarette out under my heel and kicked the butt into the bushes. “Jesus, but you’re stunning.” I pulled her to my chest and kissed her flawless forehead. “Whatever did I do to deserve you?”
She stood on tiptoe to kiss me on the lips. “I can only assume that you behaved appallingly in a former life. Murdered kittens by the bucketload, and made crippled orphans cry by nipping them incredibly hard.”
“Ah. That would explain it.” I hugged her close, wishing that we could stay this way for the rest of the night.
Lilith
