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“Cheers,” I said. “Doesn’t feel much like that right now, if I’m honest.”
“I understand. You’ll just have to trust me for now, okay? I’ll support you as much as you let me of course, but there are also several practical things I can do, but only with your permission. I’d like to make some calls to see if this man is still a member of the clergy, find out if there are any other investigations into his crimes, or even just any other concerns that were raised. Would that be alright?”
The thought of McKenna still wielding his sick power over a new generation of terrified and voiceless boys turned my blood to ice. “Sure. Do whatever you need. Ah shit, I hope someone’s stopped the bastard by now.” I cringed. “And I’m sorry for the swearing.”
Baroja smiled. “In the circumstances, It’s entirely justified. Also, I teach religious education at the high school every Tuesday and Thursday so I think I’m immune to its worst effects. ”
“And you call me brave?” Before the last of my month’s allocation of courage evaporated completely, there was one last thing I had to ask. “Would you do me a favour, Father?”
“Of course.”
“Now I’ve told you, would you hear my confession? Please? I mean, I know it’s been a few years and I’ve done some stuff, but I swear I’m sorry for it -”
The priest held his hand up to stop me. He looked appalled, and I guessed I’d just asked for the impossible.
“I can’t forgive you for anything I’ve just heard from you today, Finn,” he said, and the pity in his tone made me shiver.
In my heart I’d known that would be the case, but to hear it stated so plainly still felt like a physical blow. I tried to summon a smile of thanks; at least the man had made the effort to come and tell me to my face. “That’s okay,” I assured him. “It was good of you to come.”
“What?” The priest scowled, then his eyes widened in horror. “Dios mio I’m a fool, and now Lilith is going to kill me with an ice-pick to the temple, and I will wholeheartedly deserve it for my stupidity. You misunderstand – what I mean is, there’s nothing to forgive. Well, nothing to forgive you for, anyway. Whether I like it or not right now, I represent the Catholic Church. It wouldn’t feel right to ask you to confess when there’s so much that you have to absolve us for first.”
“No. No, I’m sorry.” I shook my head. “That’s wrong. You’re wrong. You heard what I said, didn’t you? I’m damned.”
The priest shrugged. “Heh, I’m just the spokesman for the boss man here. It is my unassailable belief that we are all loved – absolutely and irrevocably – by our creator, and if God himself feels that way about you, then who are you to go against him?”
“I… I’m not…” I stammered, still trying to find the words to explain how mistaken he was. My whole world had just shifted beneath my feet. I pinched the bridge of my nose and squeezed my eyes shut because if I wasn’t careful I was going to start bawling again, but this time in front of someone I’d only just met.
Father Baroja placed his hand over mine, and to my astonishment the gesture felt okay. “Finn, Our Father loves you. You were never lost to the Church and certainly never lost to God. You are perfect and beautiful in his eyes, and any sin was done against you, not by you. I need you to at least start to believe that – could you do that for me?”
I managed a mute nod, aware that if I moved my head too much the tears would finally overflow, and there was no guarantee that they would stop. I was at serious risk of dissolving.
“Good man. And in return I promise you that the doors to my church will never be locked to you again.” He patted my hand before releasing it. “I’m only sorry that you thought they were ever closed in the first place. Once you’re well enough I’d be honoured if you came to mass at Santa María Magdalena, yes?”
Another nod. The man was going to think I’d turned into some sort of mute imbecile.
“Excellent. But for today, I can pray with you and offer you Holy Communion, if that’s something you’d want?”
“Yeah. Yeah, that’d be good,” I said, impressed that I’d managed a whole sentence.
So for the first time in over a decade I bowed my head and prayed without fear in the presence of, in Lilith’s words, ‘a proper priest’. Father Baroja murmured gentle words of healing and love to replace the damnation that had filled my flawed soul for so long and I finally surrendered and silently cried. For once I didn’t care; I imagined the corruption placed in me by McKenna escaping with each tear.
Finally the priest took a communion wafer from the tiny silver pyx he’d placed on my bedside table and held it in front of me. “The body of Christ.”
“Amen,” I said in automatic response, and as the wafer melted on my tongue a part of me that I’d thought was lost forever came back home.
*****
Father Baroja stayed for another hour, drinking coffee and making small talk whilst surreptitiously checking that I was going to be okay now that he’d turned my worldon its head.
I only had two more pressing concerns, and I wondered if one of them might send the man out of the door, never to return. Still, I had to ask.
“Er, you do know that Lili and I, we’re living together and, um…”
“Oh Finn.” Father Baroja gave me a wry smile. “You are absolutely determined to convince me that you’re beyond salvation, aren’t you?”
“Well last time I checked the Pope still didn’t seem too keen on that kind of thing.”
The priest shrugged. “I promise not to tell him if you don’t.”
