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“I was happy when it was just the two of us in a fucking room with a broken desk chair. You had all these goals, and you were excited. Of course, I’d follow you anywhere. But lately…” They look away.
My chin quivers. “Finish that sentence.”
“You don’t seem happy anymore. You’re snappy and angry. I hate it.”
How dare they? Everything I’ve done was for us. “You hate it.”
Jay wraps their comforting hands around my arms. “I just want you to be as happy as I am here at Ever Heart. This thing doesn’t work if only one of us is fulfilling their dreams.”
“I am.” If I’m being honest, making the leap from their basement to a high-rise was a bit more of a curveball than I realized. I just saw us up in the sky, where we always talked about being. But I had Isabel and my world shifted. My time was no longer my own. “I know I’m spread thin right now. But once Isabel goes to school full time—”
“Honey, that’s what I’m saying. We’ve been following my dreams for so long you forgot your own.” Always soothing, Jay’s hands rub up and down my arms, but it’s of little help.
All my hopes and sacrifices were for nothing. If this isn’t what they want, then what the hell am I doing here?
But this is my career. It’s all I know. I wanted this before I wanted children, but life doesn’t work that way. You can’t control fate, and I found new meaning when I had Isabel. If I don’t have this, then what do I have? Who am I outside of this building? Everything I thought I was is gone.
I remember something. Just as I don’t want to be defined by motherhood, I don’t want to be defined as a hard-nosed manager with zero people skills. Jay is right about me being angry and snappy. The more we accomplished, the more pressure built to succeed, to do better than we had the year before. When things don’t go precisely my way, I micromanage, resenting the people I oversee because I have unrealistically high standards I can’t even meet.
I’m not a leader—I’m a dictator. It’s everything I never wanted to be. It’s a harsh truth, shooting a bullet between my eyes, leaving me bleeding out with mental anguish.
“You’re right, Jay.”
Their head whips up. “Okay, now I’m really convinced aliens have kidnapped my real best friend because the Mae I know wouldn’t admit that.” Reaching over, they press the intercom on my phone. “Elliot, I would like you to make a note that, on this day, Miranda Keller told Jayden Morales they were right. Thank you.”
“I’m having an existential crisis, and you’re over there gloating. Nice, Jay. Real nice.”
“Don’t snap your lips at me. I keep it real, darling. I’ll always have your best interest at heart.”
I slump back into the chair in front of my desk. “I know. I’m just not ready to make the call yet. Can you understand that?”
“I can, only if you promise me that you’ll come to me if this shit ever happens again.”
We challenge each other in a stare-off, but it’s me who breaks first. “Ugh, fine.”
Jay raises their chin, smiling in victory. “I’m glad you see it my way.” They wrap their falafel back up. “Now, I’m going to finish this delicious wrap, and then I have work to do. So, if we’re done here…” They stall, waiting for my answer.
“Go, we’re done.” I’m not, though, because I have jobs to save. All this conversation did was make me more determined to patch the gushing hole in our boat. Sink or sail.
With an “I’ve got my eyes on you” gesture, they waltz out the door, silk fabric blowing airily behind them—like my career in the wind.
When I’m sure they’re out of ear range, I page Elliot.
“Yes, Ms. Keller?”
“I need last year’s P&L statement and this year’s projected. Plus all the leads we’ve collected over the last two years.” I don’t care what Jay says—I’m determined to save this company in its entirety. Once it’s on steady ground, I’ll be able to step back and figure out what it is I want to do for the rest of my life. Aside from raising my child, nothing has ever felt this important.
Numbers and letters dance together in a blur on the screen. I’m exhausted, but I will not rest until I figure this out. Are there any overhead cuts that can be made? If layoffs are looming, how do I mitigate the damage to a possible few?
Of course, we have an accounting team, but it’s up to me to find these “opportunities”. No one else—besides Jay—has skin in the game.
“Hey, Mae?” Remi’s soft rasp startles me as he walks into my home office.
“Yeah, you got to take off?” I asked him to stay a little later, but I can’t expect him to spend the night.
“No, I was just seeing if you want something to eat. You haven’t had dinner yet.”
“I’ll eat in a bit, thanks.” Dismissing him, I turn back to my laptop.
