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Bouncing my baby in my arms, I hum a lullaby, trying to ease her suffering and mine. Her molars are breaking through, so I run downstairs to the freezer and find her a teether to chew on. I strip her down to her diaper to release the heat from her skin. By the time I get her soothed and settled in her Pack ’n Play, her cheeks have cooled. I take her temperature to be sure, and then it’s time to get ready for work.
I’m in the shower when it hits me. The guilt. The grief and the shame.
What am I doing? I’m relieved that my child feels better, but not for the right reasons. I’m relieved because now that she isn’t running a fever, I can drop her off at daycare. Pain, sharp and swift, slices my chest.
Did my mother feel this way about me? I used to get so upset when she chose her work over me, but now I realize it’s not a choice. It’s survival. My father left us with nothing, so she had to pick up the pieces and create a life for us.
It doesn’t ease the resentment, though. How ironic is it that I became everything I didn’t want to be?
Shame is a dangerous friend. My daughter deserves better than what I’m giving her. She needs to be nurtured with one-on-one attention.
As soon as I step out of the shower, I call Child Care Connection. I still haven’t heard back from the agency about finding us a better fit. An unattractive and older better fit.
“This is Kiara, can I help you?”
Oh, good. Just the person I need to talk to. “Hi, yes. This is Miranda Keller. I called a few days ago about finding a replacement nanny and haven’t heard anything back. I need someone as soon as possible.”
“We’ve been trying to find a good placement for you, but I’m afraid male child caregivers are few and far between. Remington was the best fit, but since it didn’t work out, I’m afraid I need more time.” Her voice is polite and full of that customer-service persona.
“I don’t have that kind of time,” I bite out with clenched teeth. Taking a grounding breath, I try again. “Do you have any connections with other companies that might have what I need?” My voice goes reedy as if I’m asking for something illicit.
Kiara’s tone cools. “We are the best agency, Miranda. Our placements are matched perfectly, and our charges get into the most prestigious preschools Chicago has to offer. I don’t place caregivers at random. You may check with other agencies. But I can assure you, you won’t find what you’re looking for.”
I didn’t plan on eating crow for breakfast, but she’s right. I’ve spent countless hours researching and meeting with child care agencies. CCC is the best.
I pace the bathroom half naked, leaving drops of water everywhere. “Is Remmington Arison still available?” I’m chewing on my thumbnail because I really want her to say no. As much as I want her to say yes.
“I thought he wasn’t a good fit.”
I wring out my strawberry-blonde hair with one hand. “I… He was great. Really, he was. It’s just, he’s…”
“Young?” Kiara offers with a smile in her voice. Yeah, she knows what’s up.
“Yes. He seemed too young, and I’m not quite sure of his dependability,” I confess with lies because I don’t add, and I’m a perverted lecher, who can’t keep her thoughts about him clean.
“Ms. Keller, let me restate. I do not place caregivers haphazardly. Remi is the perfect fit. Young but experienced with all ages and practiced in child psychology. I see his age as a benefit as he will be taking care of an active toddler who needs a lot of physical play and activities.”
Crap. I didn’t think of it that way.
“You’re in luck—he’s available immediately. I can send him over right away, but it’s your call.”
Crow feathers really dry out the mouth.
Isabel’s whimpers float over the baby monitor, and they almost sound like, “Please Mommy”. In the short time they spent together, she bonded with him. Kiara is right—he is a great fit. If only I can keep my wits about me.
It’s not as if I’m going to see him much, right? A little bit in the morning and then he’ll go off on his merry way in the evening, and I will be chaste and professional. I can do that.
I note my weary green eyes in the mirror and give in. “Send him as soon as possible, thank you.”
I hope I’m not making a mistake.
“I mean, I don’t know what they want from us, Jay. We’ve put the contract together to their specifications. We have our best team on their branding. Why is Deximo still dragging their feet?” I pace my office and let out a frustrated breath.
“Mae, these things take time. Why are you getting so stressed over one potential deal?”
“Because we need it. We have employees depending on us. We can’t lose our momentum.” If we do, my house, Isabel’s private preschool, and the fancy nanny I’m hiring go with it. I won’t sit idly by while laying off dozens of employees. It’s not right. I’ll sacrifice what I can before it comes to that.
“We won’t.” My best friend steps up to me and places their hands on my shoulders, stopping me from wearing a path in the carpet. “We’ve got a few good ones in the works. And the accounts we do have love us. They certainly aren’t going anywhere.” When I give them a glum face, they add, “It’s a marathon, Mae, not a sprint.”
