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Jay places their fingers over their astonished mouth. “No, you didn’t!”
Reluctantly, I nod.
They bust out a big guffaw.
And there it is … the you-made-an-ass-out-of-yourself-and-I-wasn’t-even-there-to-watch laugh. “Oh, God. Make it stop.”
Jay’s laugh becomes hysterical, and I can’t help but chuckle at my absurdness.
“Not helping.”
“I— Bahaha… I’m sorry, Cruella.” Jay wipes the tears from their eyes. “Welp, he’s practically family now. There is no going back after that snort, you know that, right? It will be burned in his memory forever.”
I open up my arms to them with grabby hands. “Cuddle me?”
Great, now I’m acting like my two-year-old.
Jay climbs up on the papasan and spoons me with the finesse of a grizzly-bear.
“Remember when we used to lay like this? Everything seemed so complicated then, but looking back on it now, it was simple.”
There was nothing to worry about except for who got the last piece of tres leches. No “everything we’ve built is crumbling, and people will lose their jobs”. We didn’t exhaust ourselves over the future. There were no babies to support. Our only responsibility was to be home for dinner—food we didn’t have to buy nor make.
“You mean, when you hogged all the covers and the choices I had were to use you for body heat or die of hypothermia? Yeah, can’t forget it,” Jay gripes, sounding bitter. They’re teasing. If I know one thing about my best friend, it is that they love a good cuddle.
“Do you ever wish we could go back? Be innocent for a little longer?” I’m wistful in my thoughts.
“Never. First of all, I never want to wear braces again. That Justin Timberlake phase is a big blight on my childhood.” We laugh because I remember it like it was yesterday. We fried Jay’s hair—first with peroxide, then doubled down with perm solution. “Besides, innocence is way overrated. Sex is hella fun. Also, we have our baby and she’s everything. I wouldn’t trade her for the world and I know you wouldn’t either, so where is this coming from? Your little crush?”
I shrug, contrite. “I just want to give her everything I never had. It’s all I want. But sometimes…” My chin quivers with unshed tears. I swallow the lump of loneliness in my throat. “I wish I had someone just for me.”
“Rude. I am just for you.”
I smack their arm. “You know what I mean. I’m thirty-three, and I’ve never had an Ian,” I say, reminding them that they do, in fact, have someone just for them.
Jay and Ian are a match made in heaven. Undeniably perfect for each other. I’m so happy for them because they are happy. But if I’m being completely honest, I get jealous sometimes.
“Not even when I was with Brad. There was always something missing between us.” I look away, introspective.
What was so wrong between us that he had to resort to such measures to get rid of me?
“I should have known something was off, but I refused to look deeper. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust anyone enough to let them in romantically.”
“Whoa, where is all this coming from? Not all men are like your bullshit ex. Brad is a piece-of-shit’s shit—the really repulsive kind. The only thing he was good for was providing little swimmers to make sweet baby Isa.”
A harsh breath escapes my lungs. While true, it doesn’t change my mind about what most men are like—flight-happy the moment things get a little complicated.
“As for Ian,” Jay continues. “It’s pretty self-explanatory, love. You’re not me.”
Laughter rumbles through my chest. “Thanks for astute analysis of why Ian and I are incompatible.”
Jay pulls me tighter, and I relish in their serenity. They’ve always felt like home. “I do believe that each one of us has someone out there. To find them, you have to look with your heart and not your head. Love isn’t something you can plan or control, Mars Bars. It just happens. Your heart will know when it’s time. Have faith.”
If only I could. My heart gets me into trouble and my head keeps me out of it, so I tend to listen to logic and avoid emotional decisions. What’s scary is that it’s not just about me anymore. Whomever I meet has to not only be an amazing person but also fit seamlessly into our lives—before I’d even consider giving him the time of day, let alone meet the most important person in my life.
“I love you, Jay. Don’t ever leave me.” I squeeze my eyes, holding back tears, remembering the first time I’d ever said that to them.
It was the first time they brought me home to their family, taking me in without question. I have never felt so loved and secure in my life. They welcomed me. Gave me a place to sleep. Always had a plate for me at their table. Forever supportive of anything Jay and I did. When Jay had begun using they/them pronouns in high school Mama Morales didn't even bat an eyelash. She loves and accepts everyone for who they are. Mama still tells me I’ll always have a home with them.
