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Cas nods. “We’ll stay with them.”
Slinging my arm around Aspen, I lead her up to the first open room we come to and close us inside. It’s like being home again. From years ago, before I knew Aspen was walking this earth, when Myles and I had the whole world in our hands, and Dad and Grumps were both alive and breathing down our necks. Now they’re gone.
I stumble, my back slamming against the door. All feelings in my legs vanish, and I drop down to the floor. I can’t breathe. Pain shoots across my chest, a pain I’ve never felt before, not even on the verge of dying. Clutching at it doesn’t help ease it.
Aspen rushes toward me and drops to her knees at my side. Her hands clambering to get a grip on my face.
“Mase, oh, Mase. It’s okay. I got you.” She pushes my head back so she can seek my eyes out. “Just breathe. Do it with me.”
She inhales long and slow, and I focus on the swell of her chest as it starts to rise and fall in rhythm with mine.
Throwing her arms around me, I cling to her in return and dig my fingers into her hair.
How the fuck did I ever think I could live without her, even if it were best for her and the babies.
I need her as much as I need my brother, more so even. I see that now.
“They’re gone…”
“I know, I know…”
“They’re not coming back. I’m not gonna see them ever again.”
“I know,” she soothes.
She holds me for I don’t know how long. Hours pass, and I’m unsure when we moved from the floor to the bed, but I have her in my arms, her back to my front. The smell of her shampoo fills my nose. I slide my hand over her stomach and leave it spread out across the center.
Our future is beneath my palm, and I could kick myself for nearly losing her because of my actions.
“You’re going to be a great father because you had one yourself. When our twins are born, you’ll pull from your memories, and you’ll know what to do.”
Her faith in me is infinite and undeserving. “I hope you’re right.”
“I know I am. In a lot of ways, you and Myles truly are the same, and he’s an amazing father. You’ll be no different. That’s why it was so frustrating when you kept pushing me away.”
Stroking her hair, I say, “I wish I could take it back. I don’t want you having those memories now.”
“We’ll create new memories, Mase, with our babies. None of it will matter when they’re born and completely take over our lives. Let it go.”
I promise, “I’ll try.”
Fatigue wears me down, and I close my eyes when I know Aspen to be asleep. However, sleep doesn’t come peacefully. My father’s face plagues me, and if not his, my grandfather’s. The sound of their voices. The many, many memories I hold of them, us together as a family. The first time, Myles and I learned to ride our motorcycles with Grumps and our dad. It’s like my entire life rolled through my mind and wouldn’t stop.
Climbing out of bed, I slip my jeans on and let myself out of the room. Down in the bar, the old timers are passed out, but Myles sits between our father and grandfather. I drag a chair across and join him.
“It’s best to say goodbye now before the place is busy in the morning.”
“How the fuck do we do it, brother?” I ask him. “How do we say goodbye to them?”
“I’ve been sitting here waiting for it to come to me 'cause I have no fuckin’ idea either.”
Snatching the bottle of whiskey from him, I take a long pull and let it burn my chest.
We sit in silence. Perhaps if we had a revenge to take in their honour, it would make this easier. I’ve always considered them solid and powerful men because they were just that, but in death, they are no more or no less than anyone else.
There’s not one part of me that can blame my dad for getting himself killed, and it leaves a huge gaping hole in my chest. I’m so used to feeling anger or the void where revenge would usually live.
“I’m gonna miss you so much, Dad. I’m so fuckin’ sorry,” is all I can say.
