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“Christmas is coming up.” Brody folds his arms over his chest and looks out the front window of the bar. Most of the snow blew away already, but the town still has a holiday look about it. There are garlands everywhere and most of the businesses have a wreath on the door. “You're going home, right?”
“Yep. Visiting with my parents. I'm going to stay for a couple days if that still works out for you.”
“It'll be fine. I'll manage the bar the day after Christmas. I figured we could do a short shift just so people have somewhere to go, but I don't want to keep everybody here too long.”
“Sounds like a great plan. It'll be my turn next Christmas when you have the little one.”
“I'll hold you to that.” Brody smiles, but it takes him a few beats to turn and smile at me. I know he's thinking of Mags and his new family. By next Christmas they'll have a baby who's about a year old. His life will look completely different. He must be thinking the same thing, because he says, “I can't wait.”
We stand there for a minute with him checking his phone and me avoiding checking mine because I know she hasn’t messaged. The guys in the kitchen are making noise, getting ready, and I can hear Mary Sue on her phone in the break room, talking to somebody before her shift.
Frustration gets the better of me and I pick up my phone before I've finished the thought and send her another message.
Griffin: Just thinking about Christmas plans. Is there anything you like to have on Christmas in terms of food?
There's another pause that's so long that we get our first customer up at the bar. I pour his drink, and Brody chats with the guy, taking over the tab when my phone goes off in my pocket.
My heart drops when I see it’s just my mom. I read her text and I know she just misses me. A second comes through before I can respond to the first.
Mom: I can’t wait for you to come home. I'm making your favorite cookies. Do you want sweet potatoes and mashed potatoes at dinner? I don't mind making both.
Mom: Your father is telling me that he wants both. Sorry to bother you I hope your morning is going well
Griffin: You're not bothering me at all and I'll eat both kinds of potatoes. Love you mom. Have a good day
I hit send on the last message to my mom. Before I can put my phone away, Renee's name pops up on my screen.
Renee: I can't go
I open up the text fully and read it again. She can't go? The only plans we have are for Christmas. My stomach turns into a knot. I don't know whether to be worried that something happened, or worried that she's changed her mind about me, or worried that some other thing happened that's about to completely blindside me. Maybe her family decided to celebrate this year, I don’t know.
Griffin: To Christmas? Everything okay?
She doesn't answer.
I run my fingers through my hair with frustration. I’m ruining this and I know it but all I want is for her to talk to me. But I think that’s the last thing she wants.
I get the feeling that it’s over. And I hate it.
Renee: Yeah, I can’t come because something came up. I’m sorry.
She responds an hour later.
Griffin: It’s all right. How are you doing?
Renee: I miss your smiles today too.
I stare at my phone feeling like there’s hope and like I need to stop pushing. I’ll just be here for her because I know she’s going through something. I just don’t know what. I can make her smile though.
For a moment I feel like it might be okay.
If only I knew what was coming.
Renee
I'm so disappointed in myself that the emotions won't stop hitting me. Every time I breathe through it, they just come back again. I'm not totally sure what feels worse. Disappointing Griffin or not being able to do a damn thing to really help my mother.
There’s only about two thousand dollars in that water jug at home. That won’t last her very long, and I’m not sure she’ll even accept it.
