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Renee and I both watch the car go. One of its wheels dips into a groove and spins. I brace myself for it to get stuck. If that happens, I'll have to go push them out, and Renee will be gone, and it'll be too late.
Whoever's behind the wheel revs the accelerator and their wheel pops free of the groove. They keep driving until they're out of sight.
I turn back to Renee, but her eyes are still on the spot where that car disappeared into the night. It's clear the moment was broken by that car. I'm not going to get it back. She bites her lip, looking beautiful and determined, and I'm not sure I like where that look's going. Car or not, maybe I was already too late. Maybe it was never on the table for this to be real.
Renee lets out a small sigh, her breath white in the cold. It dissipates quickly, and I keep my hands pushed into my pockets.
She looks up at me, and it feels like she's a million miles away instead of half a step across a snow-covered dirt parking area.
“All the what ifs don't add up when it comes to us, Griffin.”
There's a beat where I think she might take it back, but her face doesn't fall and her eyes don't soften and she doesn't. She opens the driver's side door of her car and climbs in.
I wrap my hand around the top of the doorframe as she puts on her seatbelt. It clicks into place, and I want to reach down and undo it. I could take her hand and pull her out of the car and kiss her. Remind her of what it feels like. My fingers tighten on the doorframe, but I can't be the guy who chases her if she doesn’t want to be chased.
I have to force myself to loosen my grip.
“Get home safe, Renee.”
“You, too.” Her hands are on the wheel. She looks up at me, and there's something in her eyes that makes my stomach sink. It makes me sure that someday, she's going to leave this town, and I'm never going to see her again.
I open my mouth to say something. I could tell her not to drive away. I could admit to the feeling that's taking up my whole chest. I could make her promise not to leave town.
Based on what? Something she thinks is pretend?
There's a hint of indecision in her eyes, but then she takes a breath, and I don't want her to tell me to shut the door. I don't want to make her ask me to back away.
“Good night,” I tell her, and shut the door for her.
Renee turns away and reaches for something on the dash. Her headlights turn on, and they splash against the back door of the bar. It looks empty in the light, almost abandoned, and that's not how it felt a few minutes ago. It felt cozy, all tucked in for the night, but that was only because she was waiting out here for me.
I turn my back on Renee and stride over to my own car. She looks out her window and lifts her hand to wave to me.
I wave back.
Then she backs out of her spot, her tires cutting new tracks in the snow, and pulls carefully out onto the road. Renee pauses to make sure there's no traffic, even though there hasn't been another car since the one that drove by, then starts down the road.
I wasn't going to stand here and watch her leave, but that's what I end up doing. Her tail lights flash red a couple of times as she makes her way down the road. I can see her silhouette in the front seat when the moonlight hits her just right. I don't have enough time to watch her before she turns on her blinker, stops, waits...
And goes.
And then she's gone, and the road's dark. Bar's dark. Sky's dark, covered in winter clouds.
I swallow hard, then unlock my car and dig my ice scraper out from the back seat. There’s no ice tonight, just a thin layer of snow. I brush it all off the car and watch it fall away, disappearing as it goes. Then I drop into the driver's seat. The leather's cold and feels pretty damn unwelcoming after the warmth of the bar and the warmth of Renee. I pull the door shut behind me, shutting out the wind, and start the car.
Maybe I should have run after her.
I don’t know what to do when she won’t tell me what happened. She plays it off with shy smiles and sweet laughs. But something happened.
“It wasn't pretend for me,” I whisper. It's too late for Renee to hear me, but I have to get the words out anyway. I flick on the headlights, and they light up a piece of the empty road, some dark trees, and the rest of the night without her. “I think I love you, Renee.”
I let my head fall back against the headrest.
Nobody heard me say it, but that doesn't seem to matter.
“Fuck,” I admit in the silence, not knowing how to tell this woman she is breaking my heart, and I think it’s because hers was broken too badly long ago. “I know I love you, and it's not the same for you.” I wish she’d let me fix it. If only I knew what happened, I’d make it right. I fell in love with her…and I’d have to be blind not to see that she fell in love with me, too.
Griffin
