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“It shouldn’t matter anymore,” she said. “I shouldn’t care what Drysdale said. I shouldn’t care that NOPD did a background check on me and knows my whole life story. It shouldn’t matter.”
“But it does matter,” Kaj said quietly, sitting next to her on the bed. He took her hand. “It was a terrible time in your life. It changed you. How could it not matter?”
“I went through therapy. I’m not supposed to feel like this.”
“First of all, therapy isn’t a cure. We both know that.”
“Yeah,” she said grudgingly. “That’s true. Is there a ‘second of all’?”
“I would never start with ‘first of all’ if I didn’t have a ‘second of all.’ ” He kissed her cheek. “Second of all, you feel what you feel. Which—if you don’t mind my asking—is what?”
She sighed. “Conflicted. I’m furious that Drysdale knows—that any of the NOPD know—but I think he meant well. He was warning me off this case. Like a dad would.”
“Does it matter how he meant it?”
“I think so. Because now I’m wondering if he’s right.” She met his eyes, hers troubled. “What if three big guys come at me when I’m guarding Elijah? What if I freeze?”
Kaj had to take a breath, because her question hit him hard. If she froze when she was guarding Elijah, what might happen to his son?
And then he realized he might have read her reaction all wrong. “I thought you were upset because he reminded you of what happened.” As soon as the words left his mouth, he wanted to take them back. “But I suppose you don’t forget, do you?”
“No. It’s always there, hovering in the background. Sometimes I’ll see a big man and I... y’know. I remember. But years of therapy taught me coping mechanisms. I took self-defense lessons and, while I’m not a multiple black belt like Molly, I can hold my own. I even deliberately sparred with big guys.”
That made him frown, just thinking of her putting herself in that position. “Why?”
“I was afraid and didn’t want to be. I figured practice with body types that triggered me would help me to develop muscle memory, so that if someday I was in that position again, I’d react as trained. The one time I couldn’t control my fear was when I was asleep.”
“So you got Czar.”
“Exactly. And I dated men who weren’t taller than me because I didn’t want to push the boundaries of my control with romantic relationships.” She dropped her gaze to her hands. “When I was intimate with someone, I wanted to be in the moment, not always on guard.”
He didn’t want to picture her being intimate with anyone else but shoved the irritation away. This is not about me. “That makes sense.”
“I was never drawn to the linebacker types like Burke, so avoiding them afterward wasn’t a conscious choice. Intimacy was hard for a long while, I’ll admit, but I had a nice boyfriend back then. He helped me through it. We didn’t work out, but I’m grateful for his patience.”
“I’m grateful to him, too,” he said, and it was no lie. The man had helped her find her balance after the assault. But insecurity tugged at him. “Why didn’t it work out with him?”
He wouldn’t want to make the same mistake.
She met his eyes with a directness that had him focusing all his attention on her reply. “He was a fixer. We were good together as long as I was broken, but when I’d found my feet, he grew frustrated. I wasn’t willing for him to keep fixing me, so we parted ways. It wasn’t an easy decision. I loved him. Part of me always will, but he wasn’t good for me long term and I wasn’t what he wanted.”
Point made. “You’re not broken.”
She nodded once, watching him warily.
He cupped her face in his palm, caressing her cheek as he chose his words. “I won’t try to fix you. But you will tell me if I do something you don’t want?”
She nodded again, clearly relieved. “I will. Just be patient.”
“I will.” It came out sounding like a vow.
“I believe you. There’s kindness in you, Kaj. Tenderness. I trust you. I did the first time I saw you. So, to go back to your original question, no, I’m not hyperventilating about my assault.” She sighed. “However, my career confidence is a little shaken.”
Which was probably Drysdale’s intent. He’d wanted all of Burke’s people so furious over this breach of Val’s privacy that they’d stop butting into the investigation.
“Have three big guys come at you before?” he asked.
She nodded. “Remember the case I told Elijah about? When the CEO’s teenage daughter slipped out to meet her boyfriend?”
