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“He is.” Phin exhaled. “I don’t know good words to say. But I do know something about keeping secrets from your twin. Don’t you blame yourself, Val. If he didn’t want you to know he was using, he would have known how best to keep it from you.”
“Did you?” she asked quietly. “Keep secrets from your twin?”
“Yeah. I came home from Iraq a different person, but not that different. I just wasn’t able to hide it as well afterward. Scarlett thought we were the same because we were twins. She thought that we were both good. But I was always angry and I didn’t know why. When we were younger, I could stuff it down and pretend like it wasn’t there. Once I came back, it was harder to control and I started drinking. I hadn’t done that before I served.”
“Did she get angry with you?”
“No. She never did. She should have. My whole family should have. I couldn’t take their understanding. My family watched me like I was a wounded dog, ready to bite them.”
“Their concern was a weight around your neck.” She’d felt that. Her family had also known she was different when she’d returned. She’d allowed them to believe that it was the things she’d seen and not that she’d been raped by three big men who’d made her feel powerless. “I get that. How long since you’ve seen your family?”
“Five years. I was shot in a bar fight. Scared my family real bad. It was my twin sister that took it the hardest. She tried to get me help and I... wasn’t ready. So I ran.” He stared into his cup. “They looked for me. And Scarlett would send photos to my phone. She still does.” He patted his shirt pocket. “I keep the same number even if I never use it. Just for her photos. She has a daughter now and I’ve never seen her in person.”
“Why not?”
“When you saw your brother with the woman, with Sandra Springfield, how did he act?”
“Shocked. And... shy. At least I thought so. Now, knowing what I know, I think he didn’t want me to know about her. He didn’t look me in the eye the entire week I was home.”
“You were a reminder of what he should have been.”
She thought about that. Van had helped her choose Albuquerque when she’d wanted to leave town. She’d been thinking Charleston so that she could still see her parents occasionally, but Van had insisted she move far away. Was he using back then? Was that why he’d wanted her out of his life? Because she was a reminder of what he should have been?
Maybe. But she wasn’t going to get answers from Van, so she focused on Phin. “Is that why you haven’t seen your family? They remind you of who you think you should have been?”
He smirked. “I see what you did there. Who I think I should have been.” Then he sobered. “It’s real, Val. I hated myself for so long for so many things. I kept thinking I’d go home when I’d figured everything out. Now I’ve been gone so long...”
“You think they’ve forgotten about you? That they don’t love you anymore?”
“No. But I think their lives are settled and they don’t need me fucking it up for them.” He met her eyes and his were haunted. “They found me a few years ago. In Miami.”
“Where you lived before New Orleans. Is that why you left?”
“Yeah. I was walking to my apartment and I saw Scar outside. She was with her fiancé and his brother. I... hid. It was an awful neighborhood. I was ashamed that they knew I lived there. That I lived like that. I thought they’d go back to Ohio and give up on me.” He shook his head. “The next day I figured it was safe enough to go back to my place. Her fiancé’s brother was waiting outside my door. Told me that Scar was desperate to find me. That he’d seen me hiding.”
“Was he a cop, too?”
“No. He’s some investigative reporter or something. Damn good eyes. I thought he’d pull Scarlett out of a dark corner and say ‘Aha!’ But he only patted my shoulder. Told me that I should come home, but that I had to be ready. Not perfect, just ready. He said he’d keep my location quiet. And then he gave me his card. Said I should call him if it got bad. That he was a recovering addict and he understood not feeling worthy.”
“He sounds kind. You ever contact him again?”
He nodded. “I call him a few times a year. Get updates on my niece. Our niece, I guess. Look, all I really meant to tell you is that being a twin doesn’t mean you’re mind-melding. If you didn’t know what was happening with him, it’s because he hid it from you. And if you’re anything like my sister, you’re feeling guilty about not being ‘there for him’ or some such shit. Don’t. He made decisions all on his own. He knew you’d be there for him. He knew that, Val. So don’t feel guilty, because you’re in no way responsible for his actions.”
She hadn’t known how much she needed to hear that from someone who hadn’t kissed her. Kaj had told her the same thing, but he might have been a little biased.
“Thank you,” she whispered. “But I might be the bad twin. My younger sister was there when my brother was murdered. I was so sure she was totally responsible because he was only in a drug dealer’s den to stop her from using, but now...”
“You’re not so sure?”
“I’m not sure about anything anymore. Except that I was wrong. About Van and about Sylvi. Even if Van was there that night to keep her from buying, she still wasn’t responsible for his murder.” She looked away. “I’ve been so bitter toward her all this time and I was wrong.”
“I can understand that. Both this epiphany and your anger toward her. If someone killed my sister or even did something that caused her death, I’d never forgive them.” He pointed to the notepad. “So, what do you really want to know from Sandra Springfield?”
“If Van was there to buy or if he was there to keep Sylvi from buying. Not sure I want the answer, but I need it.” She glanced at Jace and Elijah again, satisfied that they were still focused on their videos. “Not sure if you heard, but Sandra’s been visiting my sister and my mother with regularity.”
Phin nodded. “Burke told me. Sounds like you want the truth about the night your brother died and the truth about why she’s kept contact with your family. It might be innocent, but based on everything else? I’d sure want to know.”
Val realized that those were really the only two things she needed to know. She wrote the questions down, then paused, pen still on the paper. “I didn’t lie to Elijah. I do want to know if Van was happy. He looked embarrassed the day I saw him and Sandra together in the Quarter, but he must have figured things out. He introduced her to the family after Thanksgiving that year.” But not to me.
