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A wave of relief for someone I don’t even know washes over me.
“That’s great news.”
“What brings you to the office today, Adalynn? You’re two months early. Do you have concerns?”
“I tried to get pregnant last month and it didn’t happen,” I blurt, feeling a little uncomfortable.
I use my right hand to cover my left because there’s no ring on that finger, but Dr. Glade doesn’t miss a beat.
“Was this your first month attempting to get pregnant?”
I nod.
“Were you on birth control prior to this?” She glances down at my record.
“I haven’t taken it in months. It bloated me, and I was exactly… I wasn’t having… I mean, I wasn’t sexually active until recently.”
“I see,” she says. “Sometimes it takes a while for conception. Stressing out about it isn’t healthy for you, and it could even be a deterrent for fertility. Maybe take a month or so off, or maybe even try to forget about it altogether. Sometimes it happens naturally even without actively trying.”
I don’t know how to explain my current situation without sounding like a terrible person, but I can’t explain what things are like with Cash and how naturally isn’t an option for me.
I’ve probably already caused irreparable damage to our friendship by letting things get as far as they have.
“Okay,” I agree. “That makes me feel a lot better.”
I know without much consideration that this may be my last visit to this office. I’ve already chosen someone from out of town because I don’t need people gossiping about me. Although Dr. Millway at the clinic in town is nice enough, I heard once that, a few years ago, he had a few too many beers at The Hairy Frog and answered a private question about a patient to someone who was being nosy. I would die if he spilled my secrets that way. I moved all my private business out of town the week after hearing that.
I don’t linger at the food warehouse when I go shopping for my weekly supplies. I just don’t have the energy to waste any time. There’s no joy in my life these days, and it’s not supposed to be like this. The distance I’ve put between Cash and me was supposed to be healing. It wasn’t supposed to be painful and something that continues to chip away at me daily.
The lights behind me as I enter town aren’t surprising. If anything, it should make me smile. More than once, Cash hasseen my car reentering the city limits, and he does this to get my attention.
“I just wanted to say hi,” he’d tell me from the driver’s side of the car.
I’d tell him he was abusing his power. He’d say something to the effect ofI only break the rules for you, Ads. I would try to hide my smile because it would be confessing too much.
He doesn’t bother to walk up to my side of the car. Instead, he pulls open the passenger side door, moving my purse to the back seat, before climbing inside.
I keep my eyes locked ahead, unsure of what I should say to him.
He shouldn’t feel like a stranger, but somehow the last couple of weeks separating us feels like years, decades even.
I chance a glance at his face, watching as his jaw flexes.
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
I take a deep breath, pointing my focus out ahead of the car. Looking at him is painful, causing an ache inside of me that’s unreachable, a wound that has no chance of healing any time soon.
“I just got back from the doctor. She suggested I stop trying to get pregnant.”
I feel his eyes on the side of my face.
“Is there something wrong?”
With you, goes unsaid because of course it has to be my fault.
I shake my head, refusing to give in to that spiteful whisper in my mind to tell him that maybe he’s the problem. Pointing fingers and issuing blame doesn’t help this situation at all.
“Everything is fine, but I think I agree with her.”
