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I lift my arm to use my shirt sleeve to wipe away yet another stray tear, hating that I haven’t yet been able to pull myself from this crying game. It makes me feel weak, as if all my options have run out.
“Ads?”
I spin around, the green icing on the tip of my spatula slinging across the kitchen and landing on the side of the solid white wedding cake I managed to finish without ruining.
“Oh shit!” Cash snaps.
“Can I help you?” I ask, my voice full of hatred I didn’t know I was feeling until it slipped out.
The icing mishap isn’t the end of the world. I can easily fix it but with the way my day is going, that cake could very easily end up on the floor if I touch it again.
“Madison called,” he says.
“Of course she did,” I mutter before turning back around to scoop out more icing so I can finish the golf-themed cupcakes I’m working on for an order someone in town placed.
“You’re upset.”
“Of course I’m upset. I have to finish these cupcakes, and then I have to fix that wedding cake.”
“We can try again next month.”
My hand freezes, icing threatening to fall to the floor.
I need to have a conversation with Madison. What I say to her shouldn’t be relayed to Cash. She should know better.
I hate that I got so tangled up and confused about the different aspects of my life. I struggled to keep them separate no matter how much I convinced myself that I could handle the situation. I wanted a baby with Cash so badly, but I think I wanted the fantasy of him being mine in every way even more.
“We can’t,” I whisper, another round of tears threatening.
“What was that?”
I shake my head, incapable of repeating myself.
He doesn’t walk up to me and wrap his arms around me. He doesn’t repeat his offer, and I’m certain that’s because he didn’t mean to say it in the first place.
I want to turn and stare into his eyes, but I’d crumble if I saw relief there.
“You’ll get your baby, Ads.”
He doesn’t say we. There’s no us anymore. What we had is broken. I get no baby, yet I still don’t get to hold on to him.
It’s soul crushing, losing someone you were once so close to. It’s even worse when they’re only a handful of feet away but so unreachable they might as well be in another solar system.
“I have work to do,” I tell him, doing my best to look unaffected when I toss a smile his way over my shoulder.
“Ads,” he says, but there’s a certain level of resignation in his tone.
He sounds a little sad, but I can’t help him with his problems when I’m barely managing to keep a lid on my own emotions.
“It’s fine, Cash.”
“I want to stay, but I have to get to the office. Eastyn is—”
“Can you turn on the open sign on your way out?”
There’s a minute of silence, but I know he hasn’t left yet because, as always, I can feel his presence.
“Sure. Have a great day.”
