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I drop my eyes back to her. “I think that if Cash felt that way for me, he’d tell me. The man is an open book.”
“Just give it a go. I can guarantee that he’ll get one taste of you and will never let you go.”
Such things are easy for her to imagine. Madison is pregnant and not only in love with but loved in return by the man she’s always pictured herself living out her happiest days with. Plus, she doesn’t know Cash the way I do.
When the man says that he doesn’t want kids, he means it. When he says he’ll give me what I want with no expectations, that is the truth on both sides. He’s not the type of guy who changes his mind in the middle of doing something.
“The clinic is the best way to go,” I say, resolute.
“With Cash’s sperm?”
I shake my head. “The donor.”
“I say it’s going to be a lifelong regret.”
“I wouldn’t ever regret having a baby.”
“Not the baby, Adalynn. You’ll regret not having that experience with Cash. Maybe you won’t get pregnant the first month. You could have sex with him and not have to worry about seeing him hold your baby. You can do the IUI the next month.”
“That’s deceptive,” I mutter.
“I’m not telling you to do anything to keep it from happening,” she clarifies. “But the chances of getting pregnant the first month is slim, right? Your research told you that it takes most couples several months.”
I nod, swallowing the ball in my throat that’s still wanting to argue with her.
“So have great sex with Cash. You’ll always wonder what it was like if you never do it. Now’s your chance. Who knows, maybe he’ll climb in your bed and never leave.”
“Maybe,” I tell her, but I know it can’t happen.
Even if Cash decided we were good in bed together, our goals in life don’t lineup. He doesn’t want kids, and I’ve always wanted to be a mother. The line between the two of us is like a steel-covered concrete wall, and nothing will have the power to break it. It would ruin us. Our friendship would never survive it. Of that, I’m certain. Losing him, risking that friendship isn’t something I could do knowing the consequences.
I have no doubt it’ll be great sex, but the aftermath wouldn’t be worth it.
“Seriously,” Madison continues. “Save the money and jump his bones. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”
I know I will, but I’d regret it even more if there was fallout from us getting together that way.
I know myself. I know I could be convinced not to have children, to think that a life with him without kids would be enough, but I know I’ll end up resenting him because of it.
There’s absolutely no way this could happen and things end up working out.
It’s not going to stop my heart and brain from working together to convince me that I can have my cake and eat it too, either.
“Do you want another cupcake?” I ask rather than continuing the conversation.
Madison looks a little sad, but she dips her head.
After I grab her another treat from the display case, she changes the subject. I’m grateful that she can see I’m at my limit of being pressured.
The woman is living her own fantasy, but she has to understand she’s the exception to the rule. Not everyone will beat the odds and end up exactly where they want to be. They end up where they’re meant to go, and there isn’t a scenario that I can formulate in my head where Cash and I end up happily together with a bunch of kids running around.
Chapter 9
Cash
“I still can’t find it,” I grumble, getting even more annoyed when Chandler invades my space and comes around my desk.
“Right there,” he says, pulling open the drawer to the left.
